Partner refusing to consider autism

This is really helpful! 

Hi Julia,

I posted my story and I read yours, which I found super helpful. 

https://community.autism.org.uk/f/adults-on-the-autistic-spectrum/21333/partner-in-denial

I wonder if we could connect? It would be really helpful to know that I'm not alone!

I have no experience with medical treatment and I have no plans to go down that path. I acknowledge how life can add up to a point, where it is necessary but I have a strong believe that it should be a last resort at any time.

There game changer for me was to understand how I am not disabled by nature. I am disabled by society and environment. This was a huge difference because I was not intended to work in another way. I work perfect. The context for me to excel is just very limited in a modern society packed full of attention-demanding impressions, demands in general and an extremely narrow and intense norm for behaviour. 

I do not try to fit in anymore. And I say no to stuff I do not want to do. This has all given me the energy to feel myself and work on my mental state. 

Like the Einstein quote: "Craziness is doing the same thing and expecting a different outcome" - or something like that. I've completely changed my perspective by accepting my autistic self and live authentically. Even to the degree that my body has started stimming and react spontaneously to overwhelm e.g. by flapping my arm and twisting my head. Something that was buried away before. 

To me it is so sad seeing SO many unique people with special capacities being told they have no value because they don't fit the description put down by the institutional approach to the world. 

I might not be able to have a small talk conversation - (because most people are extremely flat and uninteresting) - but I understand complex matters in a heartbeat. I was not meant to socialize. I was meant to be unaffected by social structures to be able to take actions and decisions regardless of the group. A group that is often suffering for group think, impairing their ability to make strong decisions. 

Much of the traits of autism, I believe is symptoms from a life lived being told that you are not as good as "the rest of us". Anyone would develop some dysfunctional traits under those circumstances. (A quick remark - I completely acknowledge that the autism spectrum includes some actual disabilities, and I am not disapproving these in any way :) )

There's a lot here and I'm due to go to work so I'll come back to it hopefully this weekend. I recognise a lot of what you're saying, it's not easy. I'm AS, but can still find the behaviour of other AS's confusing, frustrating and hurtful in close relationships. There's good advice in people's comments, such as focus on the behaviour that impacts you and how you feel and it affects you and what you'd prefer, rather than getting him to see his autism. It's hard to create a safe space for someone in shutdown to communicate, it's something I'm thinking about a lot this week, and is what I'd like to come back to and comment about when I've chance.

Autism isn't mental health. Dealing with autism may lead to mental health issues, but autism is a condition or a disorder, it's not a illness.

That means it can't be 'cured' and it means that someone can be autistic and in perfect mental health. So don't talk to him about mental health. Talk to him about the issues he's encountering that may - or may not - be due to autism, and things that can help address those.

One of those things may be going to his GP to start the process of understanding why those issues are arising. It may be autism, it may not, and an independent objective assessment will help find out. That in turn can lead to an understanding of appropriate responses and approaches to address the issues that he's encountering.

Try switching your focus. Address the issues, not the label that leads to them.

I just want to reiterate to everybody that I apologise for my bad, tired writing published earlier, that was hurtful/offensive to some of you. I often have my feelings get the best out of me and end up being tactless.

When I enquire about how useful it is to get a diagnosis and how to manage a relationship with a possibly undiagnosed autistic partner, it is not because I want to change him. It's because I care about him and us, our wellbeing as well as our health. And as I know he suffers from some of his traits and is sometimes lost as to why he's like that, I try to educate him to the possibilities of who he coud be.

Because I come from a family where health and disability subjects are very easily talked about and well informed, I easily forget the misconceptions and traumas there are in many people across the world on such matters. So once again, sorry for the offense and thank you for the reminder to be careful with my words.

Thanks to everybody who gave their opinions, it is insightful and I will keep your words in mind if I start questioning the situation again :)

Thank you for your reply Kirsty and apologies for my post being insensitive. I reread it and edited it; I shouldn't have posted it while being tired at night. It came from a place of worry/loneliness/tiredness rather than aggressiveness, even if it didn't seem like it.

Thanks for your insight on the diagnosis and the proccessing stage; patience is always gold indeed! And I am glad you have a supportive network. It's interesting that you mention it because it makes me realise I do feel a bit lonely knowing I am the only person who sees my partner for who he is. He says so himself; he's half conscious of it now, but he does mask himself in front of everybody else and only feel comfortably himself with me. 

Truly, believe me, I love his own self. There's so much beauty and authenticity in one's quirks. What saddens me is when he struggles to cope with his traits, and it affects his happiness and wellbeing (such as burning out last month, or having 0 energy to fulfill his hobbies cause he doesn't take good care of himself). Which is why I'm seeking ways to help him further.

I'll keep on being patient and just bring up any major issue as they happen. It's his own journey as everyone reminded me, after all. :)

Thank you!

Thank you for your feedback! Very interesting opinion to hear :) I hope whatever happens with your diagnosis you'll feel alright with it!

I think as it's been mentioned above and in your comment here, I will try paying attention to what I'm OK with or not; thinking of possible boundaries or rules, as you say. I've always been afraid of letting him down, I can't be heartless and not help him or compensate for him when he needs it. But maybe if it's get too much it'll be the only solution, both to bring me relief and to make him understand which situations can be hard for me to deal with. I'll keep that in mind. Thanks!

And yeah, I'm not trying to force the idea of autism down on him. The one time I asked if he thought about it he reacted so brutally it calmed down. He's more at ease with the subject now, but I still don't bring it up unless he's really at loss with a problem he's struggling with. Even so I would just suggest "do you think maybe it could be related to a wider root cause?". Anyway, thanks for the reminder that yup, it's up to him anyway, whatever I think.

Autism or not anyway any relationship has their problems to deal with :) Personally when I struggle too much with myself I seek professionnal help, but yeah, it's up to everyone to decide on that for themselves. If we end up in a situation where none of us can be sustainably happy about our relationship, then yeah, we might have to split, but I'd rather avoid it. We still have something good and are happy most of the time and that's what matters :) I just don't want to miss an opportunity to reduce some of our struggles.

100% agree with you, and I'm glad you have such a positive mindset :) I can relate in some ways as I am hearing impaired. I'll never hear at 100% like most people do; I'll always make efforts to fit in society despite that disability, but I also want people around me to understand my difficulties and accomodate when possible. I've always treated mental conditions in the same regard as physical ones. And our differences can be our greatest powesrs! I try to remind my brother who suffers from his autism a lot about that fact.

Anyway; it's good to know that for some like you it can make a big difference to acknoweldge oneself as autistic. I've heard such bad reviews about medical treatment and uselessness of a diagnosis recently, I was wondering if there's any value in it at all.  Thanks!

Diagnosis is an extremely personal journey and it is completely up to him (when he’s ready) if he wants to take it down that road. I know on my journey it left me in an even worse state for a while. A lot of the things you state you are tired of are autistic traits and I see a lot of things you point out in me, so forgive me when I say I find this extremely insensitive especially in a forum that’s designed to support autistic adults. 

a diagnosis will not remove those traits! I have had issues with food since I was kid and they have still not gone, I can still act like a big kid at 33, I mask on a daily basis and it tires me out, but I have a support network that understands my difficulties and gives me time to work things out or helps me. If I snap, they don’t react and just give me time to chill out. Even if he admits to being autistic it won’t change anything because that’s who he is, so if you are unhappy and tired then you need to go your separate ways.

It seems based on what you put for the moment he’s going through the processing stage and wondering about things. We as autistic people sometimes do take longer to process things, it was only same with me going through my diagnosis process, but people just gave me the time to think things through. 

Yes, labels are interesting. And it tends to be easier, for most people, to accept a label if they have sought out the label themselves. When a label is put upon someone, there's often a natural urge to resist it.

I would say, autism or not it shouldn't fall entirely on one person to take care of the other in a relationship, so I understand what you're saying but I think it would be worth getting a good idea of his perspective on that, does he feel like he's doing a lot of the work too, and why? It seems to be an issue in a lot of relationships where both will think they're putting in the most effort and the other is leaning too much on them for support, it would make a lot of sense that this would happen with an autistic person in a relationship since there is often a feeling of everything feeling like it's too much already, when to an outsider it looks like they aren't trying or whatever. So I think understanding his perspective is a good start and then explaining in a non judgemental way how things affect you and what you'd like him to work on (without making it out to be a burden to you) 

I'm not diagnosed but on the waiting list now but yeah, the realisation that it's a possibility has already helped me a lot (to the point that I have 0 idea what I will do if I'm assessed and they say no you're not on the spectrum, because I so heavily identify with so many things to do with it, that's another aspect to consider if you've been insisting these traits are ASD traits and he is assessed and they say it isn't, how would that make him feel? Likely as if he's just odd or not like other people and that's tough to feel), but I know I wouldn't have appreciated it if people just told me it's this or that unless they're a professional who can recognise it or whatever, I had to get there myself, its jarring having someone point out the things you know are flaws a lot, and even more jarring to have them keep insisting you need to sort them out because they're burdensome on loved ones, my own boyfriend has a degree in psychotherapy and before I made my own way to ASD being a possible explanation for all my issues that hold me back in life he would just constantly point them out as being a problem and often only fixate on how it affected him and how he hates dealing with it and acting like a carer etc

Same as with my partner I try to understand the other perspective too which is that it must definitely be exhausting to want to help but the person needing the help needs so much of it compared to maybe what you've been used to that it feels like a drain, but yeah as much as I can see your intentions are good and that you want to help him improve his life and in turn yours and make the relationship less strained, you can't force anyone to get support or help for anything or realise it's a particular thing making it all happen til they want to themselves, what you can do is have clear boundaries on what you are and aren't comfortable doing to help support him like I said in my other comment, and if the absence of your support in certain areas leads him to realise it's something he may need to reflect on and get some professional support with then great, or yeah he may find his own way of dealing with it

*edited to fix a few mistakes!*

Thank you for the feedback

For me it is a clear yes. Acknowledging myself as autistic and ADHD has made a huge difference. Now, it is not something I need to improve my way out of. It is something I need to get the best out of. This is a big difference, because it is not my fault that I feel alien at work. I am alien - neurologically speaking. Most people will not understand me - just like I will have a hard time understanding them. That is ok. The important thing is however, that I am equally responsible for creating a good relationship. I need to strive to sympathize for other people and learn how they work. But I do not need to be the same. 

I'd like to repeat. Nobody can do any good for themselves or others, when they are burned out. It's important to fix the basics before you can hope for positive changes.

Thanks for all of your answers. Some of them are very helpful.

I'm sorry if I offended anyone and I'm happy for the post to be removed if needed (I can't see how to do it myself though?). My intent is not to change or fix him as is so often mentioned. I have always been extremely patient and understanding with him, as he has been with me, and given each other all the space we need. We already discussed that numerous times.

I know autistic/disabled people are very sensitive/fearful about the threat of being fixed, I know first hand from my own family upbringing and my own disabilities. It's not my point.

What I'm wishing to get is acknowledgement, and for him to have a happier and healthier life, because I care for him, and because in the long run it could affect both of us. Hear me out here: we talk about staying together for the long run. But if I do that, am I going to sign up as a sort of personal nurse covering up for his quirks? Or am I going to be an equal partner? He mentioned that at least since he's gotten in a relationship with me, he looks more normal to the world's eyes. Should I stay content about being a cover up because he doesn't want to acknowledge his differences?

He himself suffers from his own quirks. He repeats regularly "I don't understand why I do that", or "work is burning me out because I can't communicate with peopl", or "maybe I should talk to a therapist about why I don't want to talk to people". He obviously suffers from his traits, because he tries to cover them up all the time. Charlie Timm your story speaks a lot to me, as he often mentions that when he talks to others, he feels "not myself, like I'm acting on a stage". And I'm always worries that his unhealthy food habits will damage a lot his health in the long run.

So yes, I cannot know if he's on the autistic spectrum or not, and I'm not trying to make a list of cliché symptoms nor complain about him.

I am just trying to get honest opinions of people who might have been through a similar situation. I just want the best for both of us, and I'm worried that his reticence to open up to another opinion of himself is not doing him any good, and is making our life harder than it should be.

The question about the usefulness of getting a diagnosis is a completely fair and genuine one. Which is why I'm asking.

Has it helped any of you to get a diagnosis, or to recognise yourself with autism, or ADHD, or any other disability? In which ways? And what motivated you to get one? How can it help a relationship?

I hope this message is clearer and less offending... I'm often not good with my words, it seems.

a diagnosis wont change him. Autism is hard to change.  Unless he does something to change himself  eg CBT or Meditation/mindfulness (both of which are hard work) he will remain the same pretty much. I am changing and people have said in work to me that  I am improving ( daily meditation/mindfulness/"The Way"/Zen ) 

I get ya there brotha !

autism doesn't mean you will be a nice person you are just as susceptible to being a complete twat and still have to learn valuable lessons like the rest of the population.

dump the boy !

Whilst I can definitely feel your frustration, I truly believe we can't fix people if they're not ready to fix themselves. Maybe instead of trying to fix him, work with his traits and keep the autism in mind without trying to label him. It just might be the case of him not realising it or not wanting to accept it. Not everyone is ready for that. And not everyone needs to be fixed, just accepted as they are.

I think for a lot of people a label can be too constricting, like maybe not every single thing within a label is something they identify with so it seems misrepresentational (is that a word?) if say only 5 out of 7 things applies to them and the don't want people to assume the remaining 2 apply