Partner in denial?

I found my journey has been a little different to others. I moved to the UK from Australia when I was 18 (I'm 39 years old now). Looking back, I blamed a lot of my quirks on the cultural differences. I struggled but I simply thought that every one struggled with the same things and they were just better at it than I was.

In my early thirties, I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety disorder, I got 6 weeks of counselling and after that I more or less figured it out for myself.

Then, in early 2019, I was riding into work on my motorbike, got rear-ended by a car. Two months later, I was rear ended again. The second time I went over the car bonnet, broke my wrist and developed PTSD. That same year, I was on anti-depressants because of management interference in my health, I was also asked by the occupational health nurse at work if I had dyspraxia. I'd never heard of it but it got me thinking for the first time that perhaps there was more to my difficulties than my anxiety.

Towards the end of 2019, I started my PTSD Counselling, I came across an article on ADHD. It listed a bunch of symptoms and I felt I related to so many of them. I took the information to my Counsellor who said she had been trying to figure out a time to ask me, as she used to work with children on the spectrum and felt I was displaying a number of symptoms. Over the course of the PTSD sessions, we obviously got to know each other very well as much of it was quite intense. Last year, as the sessions were coming to an end, she put through the referral and that is where I currently am.

I think that people can be resistant to things. My brother for example is dealing with a lot of stress, I’ve sent him some you tube videos on discussions with Buddhist monks about happiness, meditation etc. He doesn’t want to know. It doesn’t hurt him to look at them, it costs him nothing more than time but instead of simply listening to them, and potentially gaining some insight that could help him, he’d rather stick to the familiar because it’s what he knows and understands.

Given time, I’m sure he will decide to have a look at them, but if I keep throwing it at him, he’s only going to be that much more resistant to it, he’ll dig his heels in and he’ll never look at it.

I went through something very similar when I became a vegan. I’ve always loved animals but I didn’t link that piece of meat on my plate to the cow in the field. I saw militant vegans who attacked people, called them corpse crunchers and all that nonsense. It sounded like preachy nonsense and at no point was I interested in going vegan. Then one day, I watched a speech on you tube. It changed my entire view on the subject. I became vegan, practically overnight. All the guilt trip and telling me I was terrible, coming up to me in the streets with posters telling me that animals had feelings didn’t affect me like that speech did. It’s why I don’t use those tactics myself.

In the end, he will have to come to the truth in his own time and his own way. If you give him a space to be himself, where he isn’t being forced to follow any one’s expectations other than his own, he’ll begin to see the pattern and may decide to go down the referral road.

If not, at least you have a more peaceful home.

Sorry this is long but I hope it helps you.

I know people who have gone through similar from both sides  ,didn't end well .If he is in denial how will he except and change damaging behaviour.

You say there is resistance when confronted, there is a strong chance of projecting his internal problems onto the child .

Also if your son has autism will this be addressed or denied

I don't know him or you, so can't really say much more ,but do be aware of the potential problems . 

The baby should always come first.

Amazing, thank you so much for sharing. Interestingly my ex-partner also dislikes cooking together. For me I really enjoy cooking together and I have come to realise that's just one of the things that I can't look to my partner to enjoy with, but with other friends instead.  

From the past I know that even mentioning the word "autistic" to my ex-partner would result in explosive fights; so it is great advice that I should refrain from the labels and try identify quirks and simple work-arounds for a more harmonious relationship.

I'd be very interested to know more about your journey, in terms of what did you find helpful in your self discovery? 

Thanks ever so much

Yes - he has placed a lot of emphasis on structure and having a parenting plan; I can begin to see how people on the spectrum really find benefit with routines and I am working on finding the headspace and open-mindedness to accommodate. 

I find that being in the outside world is hard enough without having to 'blend in with others' at home. I'm as yet undiagnosed and didn't want to tell my family until I knew myself. Unfortunately, even though I was only having Christmas with my parents, I found it so unbearable that I had a melt down, upset my Mother and decided I needed to tell her.

Since then, it's been easier for both of us, I cook for myself so my mother leaves the kitchen free for me to do so instead of sorting out her own food at the same time, she also doesn't wash up my dishes as I prefer to do them myself. Also, she knows that I will hoover when my folks are out of the house on the weekend. I don't have to try and fit in. By working around a few simple things and having a few basic routines, my home life has improved and I can focus more of my energy on the outside world which unfortunately hasn't stopped for me despite the pandemic.

Perhaps rather than trying to confront him directly, it might save you some grief to simply observe him and see what causes him stress and frustration. Not everyone who gets stressed has Autism, but the priority is the same. Find solutions that make it easier to function. I've found that ignoring it and trying to soldier on doesn't work in the long run. It eventually catches up with you so it's far better to deal with it now on some level rather than waiting for the fall out later.

With regards to your son. regardless of if your ex-partner is Autistic or not, the important thing is for your child to have balance. I'm certain that he would agree with that. You both want what's going to be best and if that means trying to understand the quirks that govern how each of you function as an individual than it's worth taking the time to explore that.

You could try to explain to your partner that he will be the best mentor for your child because he's been there and understands the stress factors your child will be experiencing and how you can both build a stress-free, simple routine lifestyle for your family to remove chaos and unknowns from your system.    Stability and consistency work wonders to reduce stress.