Partner refusing to consider autism

Yeah, maybe not the most thought-out post... Hopefully this was just written in frustration and their heart's in the right place and all that

It's really, really not recommended to go around telling people (adults anyway) they are autistic even if you are convinced they are, it's a really personal thing to realise about yourself when not diagnosed as a child and I think your approach to this is only going to end up pushing that realisation further away. It sounds like you're more concerned with how this all affects you than him, just from your writing here, if he doesn't want support with any of these issues then you cannot force it to make your own life easier.

You can absolutely draw your own boundaries of what you're comfortable supporting and helping with though, you would need to be really clear about that and stick to it, if he manages to find other ways of coping then great, if he *then* wants to seek support then also great. A lot of these things will not change with a diagnosis anyway, so I would say the better course would be to understand each other better, and really listen to how he explains the coping strategies and reasons why he chooses to cope these ways without the underlying assumption of him being autistic, after all, every autistic person is different anyways so although a diagnosis can help (for those who desire it) the best way to go about understanding anyone on the spectrum anyway is listening and having a tailored approach, just like any other person really. 

I know you probably think it's best for him to "admit it" and get support for these issues (are they even all issues to him?) it's likely doing more harm than good to keep pushing when he obviously isn't ready to acknowledge the possibility, or may just be content with how life is currently or just hasn't the energy to sit and really think about it for whatever reason, if he is autistic I imagine these exchanges between you and your (seemingly) constant frustration with things he does everyday is really exhausting for him and he may just not have the mental energy to sit and reflect on these things

How appropriate is it to post a pretty standard stereotype list of what non-autistic people don't like about autistics, on a forum for autistic adults?

How is his relationship to his family? There might be an explanation for the complete denial in there. If he has had a poor relationship he might have a strong desire to be different, but incapable of doing so. 

Also, as a newly diagnosed autist, I was in a similar situation with my wife. I really tried to live a "normal" life, but it was a bloody iron man. I was burned out, stressed out and just sad all of the time. All of which is not a good foundation for selfcare, reflection or progression. 

He sounds like a man who needs to step out of "the world" and get filled with positive energy.

Also, it's important to consider how frightening the label of autism is to have. You might be afraid that people will exclude you - and unfortunately some will. To this day, there is still a large stigma regarding autism.

However, getting to know your true self is a true gift. And in fact, the life of my wife and I has never been better since I learned about my neurological wiring. 

I'm autistic and ADHD. And let me just say that it is a real double-headed dragon. The ADHD tends to get me into situations which my autism can't handle. So I've felt "naked on the stage" so many times in my life. At times it really felt like I failed being human. 

Dear Julia. 

What do you think will change for you in your relationship if he admits that he has this diagnosis? Will these quirks disappear? I think this is more a matter of your acceptance or rejection.

This sounds tough. I don't have any answer/solution here. I think, though, until something changes, then the best thing we have to employ is understanding.

My last partner was a continual frustration (a loving frustration) because she hated any label and would deny and freak out if I used any kind of label to try and better understand her.

Why? I think maybe because she was scared? Maybe by her having a label meant I would have some form of power over her and she wanted to be in control(?). I feel she wanted the power in some regards because I think she struggled with some elements of vulnerability.

So, my question would be, what your partner's resistance to investigating this? Is he scared? Is he worried that you might use a label like that against him? Would that be an easy gap in his armour?

If we can understand, it helps us a bit.

Also, if we can understand a bit (or just guess) where they're coming from, it can sometimes help with asking the right questions in the right way. To understand the difficulties without triggering the denial defence.

[ Also, I guess there's a possibility he might not be autistic - but then, you'd want to figure out why he's showing traits that seem to overlap with it and I guess he's not been too open about discussing such things ? ]

I may be rambling but maybe there's something in here that makes some sense.

I guess there is also this burden that I carry around instead of him, of knowing that he is on the spectrum but that to keep the reality where he's not autistic alive, I need to keep it a secret. And I don't like secrets, especially unsaid ones. Like there's this mutual agreement that we need to act like everything is perfectly normal and that his weirdness are just part of his introverted personality quirks. Because he can't stand the idea of not fitting in, or something like that, I guess. Which is so unfair because I am myself disabled, and he rarely helps me out with my own disability, while I cover up for his.