Partner refusing to consider autism

Thanks for all of your answers. Some of them are very helpful.

I'm sorry if I offended anyone and I'm happy for the post to be removed if needed (I can't see how to do it myself though?). My intent is not to change or fix him as is so often mentioned. I have always been extremely patient and understanding with him, as he has been with me, and given each other all the space we need. We already discussed that numerous times.

I know autistic/disabled people are very sensitive/fearful about the threat of being fixed, I know first hand from my own family upbringing and my own disabilities. It's not my point.

What I'm wishing to get is acknowledgement, and for him to have a happier and healthier life, because I care for him, and because in the long run it could affect both of us. Hear me out here: we talk about staying together for the long run. But if I do that, am I going to sign up as a sort of personal nurse covering up for his quirks? Or am I going to be an equal partner? He mentioned that at least since he's gotten in a relationship with me, he looks more normal to the world's eyes. Should I stay content about being a cover up because he doesn't want to acknowledge his differences?

He himself suffers from his own quirks. He repeats regularly "I don't understand why I do that", or "work is burning me out because I can't communicate with peopl", or "maybe I should talk to a therapist about why I don't want to talk to people". He obviously suffers from his traits, because he tries to cover them up all the time. Charlie Timm your story speaks a lot to me, as he often mentions that when he talks to others, he feels "not myself, like I'm acting on a stage". And I'm always worries that his unhealthy food habits will damage a lot his health in the long run.

So yes, I cannot know if he's on the autistic spectrum or not, and I'm not trying to make a list of cliché symptoms nor complain about him.

I am just trying to get honest opinions of people who might have been through a similar situation. I just want the best for both of us, and I'm worried that his reticence to open up to another opinion of himself is not doing him any good, and is making our life harder than it should be.

The question about the usefulness of getting a diagnosis is a completely fair and genuine one. Which is why I'm asking.

Has it helped any of you to get a diagnosis, or to recognise yourself with autism, or ADHD, or any other disability? In which ways? And what motivated you to get one? How can it help a relationship?

I hope this message is clearer and less offending... I'm often not good with my words, it seems.

Thank you for the feedback

For me it is a clear yes. Acknowledging myself as autistic and ADHD has made a huge difference. Now, it is not something I need to improve my way out of. It is something I need to get the best out of. This is a big difference, because it is not my fault that I feel alien at work. I am alien - neurologically speaking. Most people will not understand me - just like I will have a hard time understanding them. That is ok. The important thing is however, that I am equally responsible for creating a good relationship. I need to strive to sympathize for other people and learn how they work. But I do not need to be the same. 

I'd like to repeat. Nobody can do any good for themselves or others, when they are burned out. It's important to fix the basics before you can hope for positive changes.

Thank you for the feedback

For me it is a clear yes. Acknowledging myself as autistic and ADHD has made a huge difference. Now, it is not something I need to improve my way out of. It is something I need to get the best out of. This is a big difference, because it is not my fault that I feel alien at work. I am alien - neurologically speaking. Most people will not understand me - just like I will have a hard time understanding them. That is ok. The important thing is however, that I am equally responsible for creating a good relationship. I need to strive to sympathize for other people and learn how they work. But I do not need to be the same. 

I'd like to repeat. Nobody can do any good for themselves or others, when they are burned out. It's important to fix the basics before you can hope for positive changes.

I have no experience with medical treatment and I have no plans to go down that path. I acknowledge how life can add up to a point, where it is necessary but I have a strong believe that it should be a last resort at any time.

There game changer for me was to understand how I am not disabled by nature. I am disabled by society and environment. This was a huge difference because I was not intended to work in another way. I work perfect. The context for me to excel is just very limited in a modern society packed full of attention-demanding impressions, demands in general and an extremely narrow and intense norm for behaviour. 

I do not try to fit in anymore. And I say no to stuff I do not want to do. This has all given me the energy to feel myself and work on my mental state. 

Like the Einstein quote: "Craziness is doing the same thing and expecting a different outcome" - or something like that. I've completely changed my perspective by accepting my autistic self and live authentically. Even to the degree that my body has started stimming and react spontaneously to overwhelm e.g. by flapping my arm and twisting my head. Something that was buried away before. 

To me it is so sad seeing SO many unique people with special capacities being told they have no value because they don't fit the description put down by the institutional approach to the world. 

I might not be able to have a small talk conversation - (because most people are extremely flat and uninteresting) - but I understand complex matters in a heartbeat. I was not meant to socialize. I was meant to be unaffected by social structures to be able to take actions and decisions regardless of the group. A group that is often suffering for group think, impairing their ability to make strong decisions. 

Much of the traits of autism, I believe is symptoms from a life lived being told that you are not as good as "the rest of us". Anyone would develop some dysfunctional traits under those circumstances. (A quick remark - I completely acknowledge that the autism spectrum includes some actual disabilities, and I am not disapproving these in any way :) )

100% agree with you, and I'm glad you have such a positive mindset :) I can relate in some ways as I am hearing impaired. I'll never hear at 100% like most people do; I'll always make efforts to fit in society despite that disability, but I also want people around me to understand my difficulties and accomodate when possible. I've always treated mental conditions in the same regard as physical ones. And our differences can be our greatest powesrs! I try to remind my brother who suffers from his autism a lot about that fact.

Anyway; it's good to know that for some like you it can make a big difference to acknoweldge oneself as autistic. I've heard such bad reviews about medical treatment and uselessness of a diagnosis recently, I was wondering if there's any value in it at all.  Thanks!