Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi everyone,
I hope you're well. I'm writing here because I don't know what to think anymore of my situation...
I've been in a relationship with this guy for about 2-3 years now. I've suspected early on he might be autistic and got more and more convinced about it overtime. We've spent the past year living together and I'm almost certain he's on the autism spectrum with possibly ADHD as well.
But he doesn't want to believe it or even consider it. We've had very bad fights in the past on the matter where we stopped talking for months. He would say I'm obsessed about fixing problems and to stop bringing it up. When I point out his symptoms, he either stays quiet or excuse it by saying it's his personality.
[Edited because realised after posting/from replies that my message was offensive. Apologies.]
I sometimes get tired about his atypical behaviour and caring for it, and mostly the fact that he doesn't want to aknowledge his peculiar difference. Even though he can openly talk about his suffering from typical autistic traits, he doesn't want to hear anything about health and especially mental health. He prefers to mask and cope in denial rather than admitting there might be a bigger situation at play.
So, I don't know. Has anyone lived through a similar situation here?
We love each other, but some days I'm just not sure I want to be stuck with his denial and the possible health complications it can involve forever...
Thanks in advance for reading and for any help or insight you might provide.
[Edit: rewrote some parts, as I wrote this too carelessly and was inadvertently hurtful. My most sincere apologies.]
This sounds tough. I don't have any answer/solution here. I think, though, until something changes, then the best thing we have to employ is understanding.
My last partner was a continual frustration (a loving frustration) because she hated any label and would deny and freak out if I used any kind of label to try and better understand her.
Why? I think maybe because she was scared? Maybe by her having a label meant I would have some form of power over her and she wanted to be in control(?). I feel she wanted the power in some regards because I think she struggled with some elements of vulnerability.
So, my question would be, what your partner's resistance to investigating this? Is he scared? Is he worried that you might use a label like that against him? Would that be an easy gap in his armour?
If we can understand, it helps us a bit.
Also, if we can understand a bit (or just guess) where they're coming from, it can sometimes help with asking the right questions in the right way. To understand the difficulties without triggering the denial defence.
[ Also, I guess there's a possibility he might not be autistic - but then, you'd want to figure out why he's showing traits that seem to overlap with it and I guess he's not been too open about discussing such things ? ]
I may be rambling but maybe there's something in here that makes some sense.
I think for a lot of people a label can be too constricting, like maybe not every single thing within a label is something they identify with so it seems misrepresentational (is that a word?) if say only 5 out of 7 things applies to them and the don't want people to assume the remaining 2 apply