Partner refusing to consider autism

Thanks for all of your answers. Some of them are very helpful.

I'm sorry if I offended anyone and I'm happy for the post to be removed if needed (I can't see how to do it myself though?). My intent is not to change or fix him as is so often mentioned. I have always been extremely patient and understanding with him, as he has been with me, and given each other all the space we need. We already discussed that numerous times.

I know autistic/disabled people are very sensitive/fearful about the threat of being fixed, I know first hand from my own family upbringing and my own disabilities. It's not my point.

What I'm wishing to get is acknowledgement, and for him to have a happier and healthier life, because I care for him, and because in the long run it could affect both of us. Hear me out here: we talk about staying together for the long run. But if I do that, am I going to sign up as a sort of personal nurse covering up for his quirks? Or am I going to be an equal partner? He mentioned that at least since he's gotten in a relationship with me, he looks more normal to the world's eyes. Should I stay content about being a cover up because he doesn't want to acknowledge his differences?

He himself suffers from his own quirks. He repeats regularly "I don't understand why I do that", or "work is burning me out because I can't communicate with peopl", or "maybe I should talk to a therapist about why I don't want to talk to people". He obviously suffers from his traits, because he tries to cover them up all the time. Charlie Timm your story speaks a lot to me, as he often mentions that when he talks to others, he feels "not myself, like I'm acting on a stage". And I'm always worries that his unhealthy food habits will damage a lot his health in the long run.

So yes, I cannot know if he's on the autistic spectrum or not, and I'm not trying to make a list of cliché symptoms nor complain about him.

I am just trying to get honest opinions of people who might have been through a similar situation. I just want the best for both of us, and I'm worried that his reticence to open up to another opinion of himself is not doing him any good, and is making our life harder than it should be.

The question about the usefulness of getting a diagnosis is a completely fair and genuine one. Which is why I'm asking.

Has it helped any of you to get a diagnosis, or to recognise yourself with autism, or ADHD, or any other disability? In which ways? And what motivated you to get one? How can it help a relationship?

I hope this message is clearer and less offending... I'm often not good with my words, it seems.

I would say, autism or not it shouldn't fall entirely on one person to take care of the other in a relationship, so I understand what you're saying but I think it would be worth getting a good idea of his perspective on that, does he feel like he's doing a lot of the work too, and why? It seems to be an issue in a lot of relationships where both will think they're putting in the most effort and the other is leaning too much on them for support, it would make a lot of sense that this would happen with an autistic person in a relationship since there is often a feeling of everything feeling like it's too much already, when to an outsider it looks like they aren't trying or whatever. So I think understanding his perspective is a good start and then explaining in a non judgemental way how things affect you and what you'd like him to work on (without making it out to be a burden to you) 

I'm not diagnosed but on the waiting list now but yeah, the realisation that it's a possibility has already helped me a lot (to the point that I have 0 idea what I will do if I'm assessed and they say no you're not on the spectrum, because I so heavily identify with so many things to do with it, that's another aspect to consider if you've been insisting these traits are ASD traits and he is assessed and they say it isn't, how would that make him feel? Likely as if he's just odd or not like other people and that's tough to feel), but I know I wouldn't have appreciated it if people just told me it's this or that unless they're a professional who can recognise it or whatever, I had to get there myself, its jarring having someone point out the things you know are flaws a lot, and even more jarring to have them keep insisting you need to sort them out because they're burdensome on loved ones, my own boyfriend has a degree in psychotherapy and before I made my own way to ASD being a possible explanation for all my issues that hold me back in life he would just constantly point them out as being a problem and often only fixate on how it affected him and how he hates dealing with it and acting like a carer etc

Same as with my partner I try to understand the other perspective too which is that it must definitely be exhausting to want to help but the person needing the help needs so much of it compared to maybe what you've been used to that it feels like a drain, but yeah as much as I can see your intentions are good and that you want to help him improve his life and in turn yours and make the relationship less strained, you can't force anyone to get support or help for anything or realise it's a particular thing making it all happen til they want to themselves, what you can do is have clear boundaries on what you are and aren't comfortable doing to help support him like I said in my other comment, and if the absence of your support in certain areas leads him to realise it's something he may need to reflect on and get some professional support with then great, or yeah he may find his own way of dealing with it

*edited to fix a few mistakes!*

Thank you for your feedback! Very interesting opinion to hear :) I hope whatever happens with your diagnosis you'll feel alright with it!

I think as it's been mentioned above and in your comment here, I will try paying attention to what I'm OK with or not; thinking of possible boundaries or rules, as you say. I've always been afraid of letting him down, I can't be heartless and not help him or compensate for him when he needs it. But maybe if it's get too much it'll be the only solution, both to bring me relief and to make him understand which situations can be hard for me to deal with. I'll keep that in mind. Thanks!

And yeah, I'm not trying to force the idea of autism down on him. The one time I asked if he thought about it he reacted so brutally it calmed down. He's more at ease with the subject now, but I still don't bring it up unless he's really at loss with a problem he's struggling with. Even so I would just suggest "do you think maybe it could be related to a wider root cause?". Anyway, thanks for the reminder that yup, it's up to him anyway, whatever I think.

Autism or not anyway any relationship has their problems to deal with :) Personally when I struggle too much with myself I seek professionnal help, but yeah, it's up to everyone to decide on that for themselves. If we end up in a situation where none of us can be sustainably happy about our relationship, then yeah, we might have to split, but I'd rather avoid it. We still have something good and are happy most of the time and that's what matters :) I just don't want to miss an opportunity to reduce some of our struggles.

Thank you for your feedback! Very interesting opinion to hear :) I hope whatever happens with your diagnosis you'll feel alright with it!

I think as it's been mentioned above and in your comment here, I will try paying attention to what I'm OK with or not; thinking of possible boundaries or rules, as you say. I've always been afraid of letting him down, I can't be heartless and not help him or compensate for him when he needs it. But maybe if it's get too much it'll be the only solution, both to bring me relief and to make him understand which situations can be hard for me to deal with. I'll keep that in mind. Thanks!

And yeah, I'm not trying to force the idea of autism down on him. The one time I asked if he thought about it he reacted so brutally it calmed down. He's more at ease with the subject now, but I still don't bring it up unless he's really at loss with a problem he's struggling with. Even so I would just suggest "do you think maybe it could be related to a wider root cause?". Anyway, thanks for the reminder that yup, it's up to him anyway, whatever I think.

Autism or not anyway any relationship has their problems to deal with :) Personally when I struggle too much with myself I seek professionnal help, but yeah, it's up to everyone to decide on that for themselves. If we end up in a situation where none of us can be sustainably happy about our relationship, then yeah, we might have to split, but I'd rather avoid it. We still have something good and are happy most of the time and that's what matters :) I just don't want to miss an opportunity to reduce some of our struggles.