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Partner refusing to consider autism

Julia
over 3 years ago

Hi everyone,

I hope you're well. I'm writing here because I don't know what to think anymore of my situation...

I've been in a relationship with this guy for about 2-3 years now. I've suspected early on he might be autistic and got more and more convinced about it overtime. We've spent the past year living together and I'm almost certain he's on the autism spectrum with possibly ADHD as well.

But he doesn't want to believe it or even consider it. We've had very bad fights in the past on the matter where we stopped talking for months. He would say I'm obsessed about fixing problems and to stop bringing it up. When I point out his symptoms, he either stays quiet or excuse it by saying it's his personality.

[Edited because realised after posting/from replies that my message was offensive. Apologies.]

I sometimes get tired about his atypical behaviour and caring for it, and mostly the fact that he doesn't want to aknowledge his peculiar difference. Even though he can openly talk about his suffering from typical autistic traits, he doesn't want to hear anything about health and especially mental health. He prefers to mask and cope in denial rather than admitting there might be a bigger situation at play.

So, I don't know. Has anyone lived through a similar situation here? 

We love each other, but some days I'm just not sure I want to be stuck with his denial and the possible health complications it can involve forever...

Thanks in advance for reading and for any help or insight you might provide.


[Edit: rewrote some parts, as I wrote this too carelessly and was inadvertently hurtful. My most sincere apologies.]

Parents
  • over 3 years ago

    Diagnosis is an extremely personal journey and it is completely up to him (when he’s ready) if he wants to take it down that road. I know on my journey it left me in an even worse state for a while. A lot of the things you state you are tired of are autistic traits and I see a lot of things you point out in me, so forgive me when I say I find this extremely insensitive especially in a forum that’s designed to support autistic adults. 


    a diagnosis will not remove those traits! I have had issues with food since I was kid and they have still not gone, I can still act like a big kid at 33, I mask on a daily basis and it tires me out, but I have a support network that understands my difficulties and gives me time to work things out or helps me. If I snap, they don’t react and just give me time to chill out. Even if he admits to being autistic it won’t change anything because that’s who he is, so if you are unhappy and tired then you need to go your separate ways.

    It seems based on what you put for the moment he’s going through the processing stage and wondering about things. We as autistic people sometimes do take longer to process things, it was only same with me going through my diagnosis process, but people just gave me the time to think things through. 

  • over 3 years ago in reply to Kirsty

    Thank you for your reply Kirsty and apologies for my post being insensitive. I reread it and edited it; I shouldn't have posted it while being tired at night. It came from a place of worry/loneliness/tiredness rather than aggressiveness, even if it didn't seem like it.

    Thanks for your insight on the diagnosis and the proccessing stage; patience is always gold indeed! And I am glad you have a supportive network. It's interesting that you mention it because it makes me realise I do feel a bit lonely knowing I am the only person who sees my partner for who he is. He says so himself; he's half conscious of it now, but he does mask himself in front of everybody else and only feel comfortably himself with me. 

    Truly, believe me, I love his own self. There's so much beauty and authenticity in one's quirks. What saddens me is when he struggles to cope with his traits, and it affects his happiness and wellbeing (such as burning out last month, or having 0 energy to fulfill his hobbies cause he doesn't take good care of himself). Which is why I'm seeking ways to help him further.

    I'll keep on being patient and just bring up any major issue as they happen. It's his own journey as everyone reminded me, after all. :)

    Thank you!

Reply
  • over 3 years ago in reply to Kirsty

    Thank you for your reply Kirsty and apologies for my post being insensitive. I reread it and edited it; I shouldn't have posted it while being tired at night. It came from a place of worry/loneliness/tiredness rather than aggressiveness, even if it didn't seem like it.

    Thanks for your insight on the diagnosis and the proccessing stage; patience is always gold indeed! And I am glad you have a supportive network. It's interesting that you mention it because it makes me realise I do feel a bit lonely knowing I am the only person who sees my partner for who he is. He says so himself; he's half conscious of it now, but he does mask himself in front of everybody else and only feel comfortably himself with me. 

    Truly, believe me, I love his own self. There's so much beauty and authenticity in one's quirks. What saddens me is when he struggles to cope with his traits, and it affects his happiness and wellbeing (such as burning out last month, or having 0 energy to fulfill his hobbies cause he doesn't take good care of himself). Which is why I'm seeking ways to help him further.

    I'll keep on being patient and just bring up any major issue as they happen. It's his own journey as everyone reminded me, after all. :)

    Thank you!

Children