Verbal abuse and disrespect from my daughter

I am a retired teacher with 32 years of instructional experience. I am also autistic.

My suggeston would be to set boundaries by establishing house rules. Be firm, fair, and consistent with the enforcement of these rules. Nothing undermines rules faster than giving a child warning after warning after warning with a complete failure to follow through.  Reward good behavior and implement consequences for bad behavior. When I was an elmentary teacher, I kept my class rules simple.

1. Be kind.
2. Be respectful.
3. Try your best.
4. Be on time.
5. If you use it, you will put it away.

The rules were kept general and broad because I realized early on that if got too nit-picky, I could get lost in the details. Worst yet, having nit-picky details could confuse the students. If you decide to implement rules, keep them short and simple. Make sure they're posted so that there's no confusion about who said what. 

To support my classroom expectations, I used to have a token economy. I gave ink stamps for good citizenship (helping others), improved effort on academic assignments, completion of homework etc. Each student had a notebook for these stamps. The stamps were redeemable for various types of treats. 5 stanps could be traded in for a candy. 15 stamps allowed students to visit my toy jar. As students used stamps, I crossed them off to avoid any confusion as to how many current stamps a student might have. 

Bad behavior in my classroom resulted in a warning that was followed by a call to the parents. Continued bad berhavior resulted in time out during recess. 

You might consider negotating rewards and consequences with your child. 

Most people with autism including yours truly, also thrive with structure. A lack of structure results in growing frustration on the part of the person with ASD.

If you have not already done so, you should have a set schedule for the child. Not knowing what will happen next can be a source of incrediblle frustration as the transition from one activity to another can be challenging. People with autism are not good with spontaneity. Having an establshed routine provides a sense of control over a world that may seem chaotic and confusing.

If you create a daily schedule, make sure that it's also clearly posted so as to avoid any future confusion. 

Hello, I am a single parent. My son is 16yo and I am going through the same thing. I can’t take it. I love him but the verbal and physical abuse during meltdowns is really messing with my mental health. Some days I feel suicidal because of this but know he needs me. How are things going for you?

Hi Sue,

We are in  exactly the same situation, and it is absolutely awful. I feel everything you are saying, and it is so, so hard for us. We do everything we can to relieve stress on our daughter and help her, but we get abuse from the moment she wakes up. She attacks us, and injures us, and is verbally abusive in everything she says. We understand she is anxious and that makes her attack, but we're only human and our spirit is completely broken. It's like we're victims of domestic violence but we can't choose to leave. I appreciate that might sound hurtful to autistic people on the thread, and we love our daughter more than anything. I'm wondering, since this thread is two years old, if things are better now? And if there was anything in particular which helped? We are desperate to not be attacked. 

Thanks for your reply 

Yet again the language you are using is negative. 

“she doesn’t like not being in control” sounds rather manipulative. When your child is struggling with un predictable situations. often situations that influence routine, structure or require the use of social imagination your child is going to get stressed and try and avoid un predicability. 

they will often hyper fixated of previous routines or activities that smooth them, if they are being denied access to something to relive the anxiety and stress of course they will act up because you refusing to listen to their needs. 

also the word “NO” means nothing to an autistic child when they’re are not given the option to say “NO”. You should of started explaining why your saying “NO” to something. 

How do you react when your child says “NO” to you ? Because it sound like you don’t allow them the time to process and formulate an answer  explaining why and force them to do it anyway.

which fundamentally make the world “NO” redundant. Because to your child it doesn’t mean “NO”. 

It’s apart of any child’s natural development to seek validation from their care givers, it also acceptable for a child to demand the right for attention from that care giver if that need is not being met. 

the way in which the term ‘attention seeking’ is being used to describe behaviour in a negative manor takes the responsibility away from the parent and blames the child for being certain way that parents finds difficult. Like I said it’s the parents negative mindset. 

The autistic child is picking up on the negative mindset through non typical communication that many neurologically typical people don’t understand, recognise or use.

Like I’ve said in previous post you are indirectly and directly influencing the child’s behaviour. The only way to stop communicating this to the autistic child is to change your attitude and mindset towards the child into a positive or neutral state. .

Most neurological typical parents try to raise and force neurologically divergent individual in a neurologically typical mold created by your expectation on how a child should behave and act. Because the parents expectation of raising autistic child is different to how they imagined it would be or different to how their raising their other child. 

I always give the same advice, Try not to take this behaviour personally. It seems that something is bothering your daughter and she doesn’t know how to deal with it, and probably doesn’t even know what it is yet. There’s little likelihood of her telling you if she doesn’t realise what is winding her up.

I don’t know if she had an avoidant personality, but a lot of Autistic people are still demand avoidant, even without the demand avoidant profile type. I know I am. I know my daughter is. Asking and telling them needs to be in a certain way or all hell can break loose. I’m sure there’s a video on YouTube, but I’m not sure if it’s still a available or even if it’s still free. It was posted by autismandadhd.org who might be of help to you.

attention seeking is a term used to dismiss a child’s need for validation and acknowledgement which is perfectly acceptable. The parents is viewing their child as manipulative when in fact the child is responding to the parents negative emotional and mental state which is obviously influenced by their expectations of being a parent being derailed by her daughter having autism. 

sorry can you make the part a bit more literal or more understanding for me please?

It’s the parents behaviour for sure. I’ve been the autistic child, I’ve watched neurologically typical parents do the same thing over and over again.

You explain why it happening to the neurologically typical parents and they still ignore the explanation of the behaviour and look for another solution that doesn’t involve them modifying their behaviour because it’s difficult. 

its almost like a self full-filling prophecy. The parents is unknowingly communicate her frustration at the child through both indirect and direct behaviours which is actively stressing the child to either react in a negative way because they don’t know how responded to behaviour without getting overwhelmed or they succeed or try yo full fill the prophecy to ensure that the parents has burst of predictable anger so they don’t have to worry about the unpredictability of the behaviour of the parent. 

the same parents also tend to play in the narrative of one child is golden and the autistic child is the scape goat.

Often unfairly and un attentional treat the non autistic child with a more positive and less controlling attitude. Autistic child see this and gets frustrated and doesn’t know how to process this and often work either blame the other children or take it out on them. 

this is a worrying and will become dangerous unless the parents starts realising what she is doing to influence these behaviours. 

yet again language being used by the parent is unhelpful and negative. 

attention seeking is a term used to dismiss a child’s need for validation and acknowledgement which is perfectly acceptable. The parents is viewing their child as manipulative when in fact the child is responding to the parents negative emotional and mental state which is obviously influenced by their expectations of being a parent being derailed by her daughter having autism. 

Hello. 

I think you have to look at the bigger picture, is there something going on in your daughter's life that is stressing her out, to make her behave this way maybe she feels misunderstood I am sure she loves you unconditionally. There is probably a lack of understanding as I live with a autistic guy in my supported accommodation and he sometimes doesn't know when to stop or enough. He is a good guy but his moments of up and down mood swings and lack understanding what is personal space it's not his fault but his uneducated understanding of what is appropriate behaviour I get that sometimes I am autistic myself and sometimes I do things without realising it so it upset others but I am not intending to upset them. 

Sorry to tell you this but from having autism myself and living with other autistic people there could be a display of attention seeking behaviours displayed here I don't want to be rude by saying this or judgemental but I used to get like this. I got older and now I am less attention seeking because I know that people don't want to be around like that. I know that if I am just being myself and I am just being me that will draw people to me and therefore that will improve my mood and improve my confidence/self esteem. The truth is people are not drawn to challenging/miserable behaviour it only brings others down and when you are just being yourself other will get drawn to that. 

Apologised if I am going off topic here but it sounds like your really stressed and overwhelmed you know that your doing your best but maybe you could just take a deep breath it hard because getting angry might feed the negative behaviours more e.g. attention seeking behaviours/aggressive behaviours which you have talked about on your post which your daughter displayed. Don't take it to personal either try to tell yourself this is part of her autism. I know Autism is not an excuse but just willing to take that step back and reflect a little. 

JuniperFromGallifrey said:

writing a few coffee table books

sounds like something interesting to do

Thank you for your reply x

I've been thinking about writing a few coffee table books on just this Something with practical advice and easy to understand reasonings. Something similar to what The School of Life creates but for parents with Autistic children. I would just love be able to go to every house, bring hard wired instruments and meters and give every autistic kid a better chance to develop and help their parents breathe a little better with new perspectives. These next generations matter. But I can understand these reasoning are not simple adjustments. Some of what I've discovered can be 'Middle Class' perspectives and to incorporate them might offset a whole system in motion. The question will be how to reach a larger population and connect to matters of the heart. Because that's really what needs to happen. These aren't new principles. They might be ancient but they're not unattainable. 

And, by 'mastering' a thing - I use this loosely to involve solutions which don't require a fight, such as distancing family members if they are oppressive. But we never really master it, just find sensible ways to keep the chaos at bay.

JuniperFromGallifrey said:

I didn't 'master' it until mid 30'

I didn't master it yet. This week I had a moment when there was to many interruptions at work and I felt annoyance slowly turning to silent rage, and I snapped  at one collegue at some point, He was innocent, just a bystander.

JuniperFromGallifrey said:

Unfinished elements are a source of great Anxiety.

Often main reasons why I can't fall asleep.

JuniperFromGallifrey said:

I do not do jobs half way

I say: Do it right or don't waste your time.

You would make great parent teacher, if there was something like that, and the world needs it badly. To many families are passing bad example onto next generation.

I should add: An Autistic child will become so wrapped up in a moment, so hyper-focused on a thing, that jolting them out of that is like waking a Sleep Walker. It is dangerous for us and others.

While Non Autistic have specific things they need to learn, Autistic children need to learn over the years how to handle being interrupted from one focused element. We can go from withdrawn to rage if we are never helped to understand this practice. Yoga and Judo instructors may be a good connexion for learning this art if you are at a loss. 

I had to learn this on my own, so I didn't 'master' it until mid 30's. It is still really difficult for me but now I can breathe through it. However, I am also responsible with my limits and  will never allow myself again to be in a relationship with someone who does not respect this. Unless it is a matter of life and death, I will transition at my own pace. I will delegate time to allow for interruptions, which means I will need to go into a "mind-less" mode specifically focusing on walking across the street, specifically consciously recollecting all the nice language that creates aesthetic for others while in a shop, bringing a sudoku book with instead of Kant for the bus. 

There is a possibility she didn't hear her brother, she was so wrapped up in these beautiful balloons. I would always assume this and learn to explore curating set time when she can be left to her own focus (takes diligence and a timer) and time when she will allow for interruptions. One thing that was always helpful was giving my son notice if he would not be able to watch a show in its entirety. If our schedule would not permit it, I would let him know before turning the programme on and he would usually opt out of watching it. We always finish songs in the car before turning the engine off. Unfinished elements are a source of great Anxiety. This has a good side to it: Clients absolutely trust I will always finish a thing and finish it exactly. I do not do jobs half way. I finish one thing and start the next. This is another thing I had to learn and it changed on going unidentified frustration entirely. I became a much more peaceful human simply by these practical disciplines which respect my innate abilities.

It can be hard with siblings.

Honestly, the best way to re-design how they behave and respond can be by creating new behaviours for them to "Mirror". Most of us, at best are somewhat flung into parenthood and rarely have the wisdom of stable support or elders to guide how we navigate. I felt overwhelmed when my son was young, like most, just figuring it out as I went along. But in my experience, the first and most important matter in any situation is to treat them with Respect. If you notice your daughter's infatuations are antagonising to your son, it's best to step in, ask your son to calmly step away and trust the Mum will Handle this. Allow him to leave so you don't accidentally make either feel embarrassed in front of the other. Tactics of affording dignity are crucial. They cause our children to feel as though we will protect not just their loveable beings but also the things which could make them look shameful. I don't think this is something we're taught, to be fair. I learned this from an Rabbi at a friends house. There's a story in the old texts about kids who chose to 'cover up' their drunken father so that he would not be humiliated in front of others. It's quite beautiful and expresses something very deep about matters of the human soul. 

I remember watching my ex laugh at his mother when she fell off a picnic bench outside. He didn't reach over to help her up, just sat there and she pulled herself together and carried on with her Bacardi and coke. But this is how she treated him publicly. That moment happened 20+ years ago, but it feels harmonious with this expression of diplomacy and kindness. So I made a point to never use my 'authority' over my son but first issue concern for these things which impact feeling respected or undestood. I'm not always perfect in the least, but it seems how we help guide them toward being mindful about how they impact others is sometimes more important than just telling them their bad. 

Your daughter may not understand why playing with his balloons irritated him. In fact, she may feel she's expected or required to share everything of hers with him, so it may "feel" unfair. For one, she could be accidentally getting 'lost in the moment' of something beautiful and aesthetic, like being carried away by a piece of music. In this scenario, you could affirm your sons irritation and ask him to pop into the other room while you handle it. They are his, and his feelings are valid. After he leaves, you could also affirm your daughters joyful 'play' - her being in this wonderful moment and ask her gently to refocus on you and then wait. Once she stops, let her know that you understand how easy it is to enjoy a collection of balloons, but we want to help little brother feel like these are only for him. Perhaps this is where you could ask her how she could take personal agency for helping him feel this. Give her something purposeful in exchange. When it's her birthday, she will have balloons all to herself. Perhaps there is something else as aesthetically wonderful for her to get lost in, perhaps a bubble wand or some flowers outside. 

Now, what's complex is that she may not understand why this matters. They're just balloons. You may need to help her understand everyone has things they don't enjoy sharing. We just need to allow others the small seemingly unimportant things which are important to them. What is important is teaching them how to affirm one another's difficulties or frustrations and how to be respectful to one another. They may not have anyone else in the world at some point. Help them assume the best from each other and protect each other by assuming the best in them and protecting them through finding understanding.

This will take lots of practice, especially if you didn't grow up with parents who were kind like this. I didn't. I was accused of the most absurd "obsessions with power" when I was still too young to understand the world around me. Parents who are stressed and overworked and feel the weight of society, transfer these perspectives on to children and so the cycle continues. It was hard to re-align my perspectives, but it paid off in the sheer amount of trust and confidence my son has in me. I appreciate now he asks my advice on everything (he's 25).

Prioritising what really matters is key. For the most part, very few things are Matters of Consequence. 

Hi, she doesn't like not being in control and not getting her own way which often leads to huge meltdowns that go on for hours. 

She doesn't like being told 'no' so we choose our words Wisley however it is extremely difficult.

That for the above links I'll have a read

Hi, she was diagnosed just 3 weeks ago so we are learning everything we can. We have put lots in place to help and support her.

We show her love, compassion, respect and pick our battles.

Can I ask how I should handle.this situation...

This morning she was tangling up her brother birthday balloons, he asked her twice to stop and she didn't. He flicked her so she launched him over a chair.

Then on way to school she antagonised him and me ( because she was angry over being chastised for pushing him earlier, he had also been chastised for flicking her) and then she kicked him so hard in the side of his leg he fell to the ground screaming.

She then ran home and refused to go to school whilst I was seeing to my 4 year old son.

Please...how should I respond to this behaviour?

JuniperFromGallifrey said:

but this is what daily life can be like for us: https://youtu.be/HYSokpI5gco

haha I have always wanted to be Superman

What do you mean by this? Is there something specific to help us understand as it's not common for autistic children:

Suzi said:

especially if she doesn't get her own way

Is she in the middle of something when this happens? I can almost guarantee you, if she is acting this way, she is in pain.

Almost all autistic children are hyper sensory. We might have on-going dietary issues and not be able to express it. I think you mentioned she doesn't appear to have sensory issues, but she will. She just won't be able to communicate them. She is wired for sufficient warnings and not surprises. She will seem better in less chaotic environments. For instance, is the TV on constantly when she's home? Are there other several mediums of entertainment streaming at the same time (radio in the kitchen, TV in the living room, and more things rattling off sound in other rooms simultaneously? This would send most of us in a rage. It doesn't mean you need to change but you may consider soundproofing her room or buying her ear defenders. 

She's nine. She's too young to have gone on silent retreats and sunk into the depths of her being and found all the collected unforgiveness and resentment built up over decades. She's too young to have a degree in semiotics and linguistics and collected catalogues on the enunciated impact of sonic warfare and frequencies or researched assaulting spores of invisible moulds and VOCs or even just have some basic science on how polyester is basically tar, a by-product of petroleum and the skin responds like it's wearing plastic, because it is. She's not your enemy. In fact, your job is to protect her but she's acting like an animal that's been left to fend for itself under the elements in the wild, so it's difficult to really assess.

I feel for you, and I want to suggest there are very real reasons she's responding this way. You might not be able to see them or recognise them, but they exist. Most Non-Autistics can dull their senses, aren't plagued by nightmares, aren't frustrated by a lack of ability to find words or frustrated by feeling isolated and misunderstood. Society is a little more fluid for you  We don't have super powers, but this is what daily life can be like for us: https://youtu.be/HYSokpI5gco

Only, we see discrepancies as well. When someone says something but does another. We feel when something is off, when someone says something but doesn't mean it, but we won't really be able to assess until later. And if we're young we won't have the language to describe what's happening. This inability to identify compounds issues substantially. 

It could also be important to notice if you treat her like other non-autistics as this could be setting her off. For instance if a friend says a thing is difficult and you respond by saying, "I know you can do this!" you're affirming their ability because that's what they were asking you for. When you respond the same way to an autistic, you're not affirming them, you're actually dismissing them and telling them they're not worth supporting. When an autistic says something is difficult, they will have made a full assessment of the thing and their own ability, they will actually be saying "I need your help" or "This is beyond my ability". They're not looking for affirmation. They're looking for something practical. This is just how incredibly different we are. You might be causing her to feel isolated daily thinking you're doing the opposite. 

I may have mentioned, but have a look at this woman's Instagram posts. It could really help see things from a fresh perspective: www.instagram.com/.../