Verbal abuse and disrespect from my daughter

Okay, let’s talk about language, because high functioning autism is a term that often used to refer to an individual who has autism spectrum disorder but appear typical and doesn’t require support. It’s not productive term and often the term is used deny autistic individuals support. 

As an autistic adult without a co-occurring intellectual disability I need to inform that your child may miss social cures, Miss interpret non literal language and have a problem recognising and regulating their emotional state doesn’t mean they are stupid. 

the language you use around them, the false body language you fake around them. It’s extremely stressful for the autistic individual that relies on other cues to help them compensate for their lack of ability to understand neurologically typical communication. 

The way you talk about them in front of other people when they are in the room. Even when you believe their out of range and you talk about their deficiencies to others.

They hear it all, even from your mouth when you think their not able to hear. If they don’t hear it from you, they hear it from teachers, other children and other parents. 

All this information get processed and fixated on by a child’s brain in an emotional way weather or not they are autistic. 

Imagine not understanding your own emotion but understanding hostility and the feeling of resentment from people who are supposed to love you unconditionally. It stresses you out. 

Hostility, negativity and resentment is what you are unknowingly communicating to your child, you can try hard to hide those feeling, you can fake your body language and change your behaviour but the way the autistic mind works, we tend to use every tiny recognisable pattern in body language, behaviours to recognise way of common communication and understanding the world around us. 

the problem your describing is really common and it often the parents causing the issue and not the child. You need to re evaluate your expectations your placing on your child. 

a child often learns to respect others by how their treated. If your not respecting your child’s needs or forcing them into situations their not ready for, they going to communicate that aggressively and resist it, it is why many autistic individuals are mentally immature from their peers because those with demand avoidance profile will resist a demand and not progress until the pressure is removed from them.  

Hi, she was diagnosed just 3 weeks ago so we are learning everything we can. We have put lots in place to help and support her.

We show her love, compassion, respect and pick our battles.

Can I ask how I should handle.this situation...

This morning she was tangling up her brother birthday balloons, he asked her twice to stop and she didn't. He flicked her so she launched him over a chair.

Then on way to school she antagonised him and me ( because she was angry over being chastised for pushing him earlier, he had also been chastised for flicking her) and then she kicked him so hard in the side of his leg he fell to the ground screaming.

She then ran home and refused to go to school whilst I was seeing to my 4 year old son.

Please...how should I respond to this behaviour?

Hi, she was diagnosed just 3 weeks ago so we are learning everything we can. We have put lots in place to help and support her.

We show her love, compassion, respect and pick our battles.

Can I ask how I should handle.this situation...

This morning she was tangling up her brother birthday balloons, he asked her twice to stop and she didn't. He flicked her so she launched him over a chair.

Then on way to school she antagonised him and me ( because she was angry over being chastised for pushing him earlier, he had also been chastised for flicking her) and then she kicked him so hard in the side of his leg he fell to the ground screaming.

She then ran home and refused to go to school whilst I was seeing to my 4 year old son.

Please...how should I respond to this behaviour?

JuniperFromGallifrey said:

writing a few coffee table books

sounds like something interesting to do

Thank you for your reply x

I've been thinking about writing a few coffee table books on just this Something with practical advice and easy to understand reasonings. Something similar to what The School of Life creates but for parents with Autistic children. I would just love be able to go to every house, bring hard wired instruments and meters and give every autistic kid a better chance to develop and help their parents breathe a little better with new perspectives. These next generations matter. But I can understand these reasoning are not simple adjustments. Some of what I've discovered can be 'Middle Class' perspectives and to incorporate them might offset a whole system in motion. The question will be how to reach a larger population and connect to matters of the heart. Because that's really what needs to happen. These aren't new principles. They might be ancient but they're not unattainable. 

And, by 'mastering' a thing - I use this loosely to involve solutions which don't require a fight, such as distancing family members if they are oppressive. But we never really master it, just find sensible ways to keep the chaos at bay.

JuniperFromGallifrey said:

I didn't 'master' it until mid 30'

I didn't master it yet. This week I had a moment when there was to many interruptions at work and I felt annoyance slowly turning to silent rage, and I snapped  at one collegue at some point, He was innocent, just a bystander.

JuniperFromGallifrey said:

Unfinished elements are a source of great Anxiety.

Often main reasons why I can't fall asleep.

JuniperFromGallifrey said:

I do not do jobs half way

I say: Do it right or don't waste your time.

You would make great parent teacher, if there was something like that, and the world needs it badly. To many families are passing bad example onto next generation.

I should add: An Autistic child will become so wrapped up in a moment, so hyper-focused on a thing, that jolting them out of that is like waking a Sleep Walker. It is dangerous for us and others.

While Non Autistic have specific things they need to learn, Autistic children need to learn over the years how to handle being interrupted from one focused element. We can go from withdrawn to rage if we are never helped to understand this practice. Yoga and Judo instructors may be a good connexion for learning this art if you are at a loss. 

I had to learn this on my own, so I didn't 'master' it until mid 30's. It is still really difficult for me but now I can breathe through it. However, I am also responsible with my limits and  will never allow myself again to be in a relationship with someone who does not respect this. Unless it is a matter of life and death, I will transition at my own pace. I will delegate time to allow for interruptions, which means I will need to go into a "mind-less" mode specifically focusing on walking across the street, specifically consciously recollecting all the nice language that creates aesthetic for others while in a shop, bringing a sudoku book with instead of Kant for the bus. 

There is a possibility she didn't hear her brother, she was so wrapped up in these beautiful balloons. I would always assume this and learn to explore curating set time when she can be left to her own focus (takes diligence and a timer) and time when she will allow for interruptions. One thing that was always helpful was giving my son notice if he would not be able to watch a show in its entirety. If our schedule would not permit it, I would let him know before turning the programme on and he would usually opt out of watching it. We always finish songs in the car before turning the engine off. Unfinished elements are a source of great Anxiety. This has a good side to it: Clients absolutely trust I will always finish a thing and finish it exactly. I do not do jobs half way. I finish one thing and start the next. This is another thing I had to learn and it changed on going unidentified frustration entirely. I became a much more peaceful human simply by these practical disciplines which respect my innate abilities.

It can be hard with siblings.

Honestly, the best way to re-design how they behave and respond can be by creating new behaviours for them to "Mirror". Most of us, at best are somewhat flung into parenthood and rarely have the wisdom of stable support or elders to guide how we navigate. I felt overwhelmed when my son was young, like most, just figuring it out as I went along. But in my experience, the first and most important matter in any situation is to treat them with Respect. If you notice your daughter's infatuations are antagonising to your son, it's best to step in, ask your son to calmly step away and trust the Mum will Handle this. Allow him to leave so you don't accidentally make either feel embarrassed in front of the other. Tactics of affording dignity are crucial. They cause our children to feel as though we will protect not just their loveable beings but also the things which could make them look shameful. I don't think this is something we're taught, to be fair. I learned this from an Rabbi at a friends house. There's a story in the old texts about kids who chose to 'cover up' their drunken father so that he would not be humiliated in front of others. It's quite beautiful and expresses something very deep about matters of the human soul. 

I remember watching my ex laugh at his mother when she fell off a picnic bench outside. He didn't reach over to help her up, just sat there and she pulled herself together and carried on with her Bacardi and coke. But this is how she treated him publicly. That moment happened 20+ years ago, but it feels harmonious with this expression of diplomacy and kindness. So I made a point to never use my 'authority' over my son but first issue concern for these things which impact feeling respected or undestood. I'm not always perfect in the least, but it seems how we help guide them toward being mindful about how they impact others is sometimes more important than just telling them their bad. 

Your daughter may not understand why playing with his balloons irritated him. In fact, she may feel she's expected or required to share everything of hers with him, so it may "feel" unfair. For one, she could be accidentally getting 'lost in the moment' of something beautiful and aesthetic, like being carried away by a piece of music. In this scenario, you could affirm your sons irritation and ask him to pop into the other room while you handle it. They are his, and his feelings are valid. After he leaves, you could also affirm your daughters joyful 'play' - her being in this wonderful moment and ask her gently to refocus on you and then wait. Once she stops, let her know that you understand how easy it is to enjoy a collection of balloons, but we want to help little brother feel like these are only for him. Perhaps this is where you could ask her how she could take personal agency for helping him feel this. Give her something purposeful in exchange. When it's her birthday, she will have balloons all to herself. Perhaps there is something else as aesthetically wonderful for her to get lost in, perhaps a bubble wand or some flowers outside. 

Now, what's complex is that she may not understand why this matters. They're just balloons. You may need to help her understand everyone has things they don't enjoy sharing. We just need to allow others the small seemingly unimportant things which are important to them. What is important is teaching them how to affirm one another's difficulties or frustrations and how to be respectful to one another. They may not have anyone else in the world at some point. Help them assume the best from each other and protect each other by assuming the best in them and protecting them through finding understanding.

This will take lots of practice, especially if you didn't grow up with parents who were kind like this. I didn't. I was accused of the most absurd "obsessions with power" when I was still too young to understand the world around me. Parents who are stressed and overworked and feel the weight of society, transfer these perspectives on to children and so the cycle continues. It was hard to re-align my perspectives, but it paid off in the sheer amount of trust and confidence my son has in me. I appreciate now he asks my advice on everything (he's 25).

Prioritising what really matters is key. For the most part, very few things are Matters of Consequence.