Verbal abuse and disrespect from my daughter

Hi Suzi, individuals on the spectrum can often display behaviour that may be challenging. There will generally be a reason for this and it is important to try and understand the trigger for the behaviour when developing strategies. You may like to have a look at the following link for more information on behaviour and strategies: https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/behaviour 

You may be interested in seeking some professional support regarding the behaviour. You can search for professionals in your area we are aware of on the Autism Services Directory: https://www.autism.org.uk/directory 

 You might also like to take a look at The Challenging Behaviour Foundation website for further information and advice: https://www.challengingbehaviour.org.uk. They also have an information and support service which you can contact by phone or email – details can be found here: https://www.challengingbehaviour.org.uk/for-family-carers/family-support-service/ 

Hope that is useful,

SarahMod

JuniperFromGallifrey said:

but this is what daily life can be like for us: https://youtu.be/HYSokpI5gco

haha I have always wanted to be Superman

What do you mean by this? Is there something specific to help us understand as it's not common for autistic children:

Suzi said:

especially if she doesn't get her own way

Is she in the middle of something when this happens? I can almost guarantee you, if she is acting this way, she is in pain.

Almost all autistic children are hyper sensory. We might have on-going dietary issues and not be able to express it. I think you mentioned she doesn't appear to have sensory issues, but she will. She just won't be able to communicate them. She is wired for sufficient warnings and not surprises. She will seem better in less chaotic environments. For instance, is the TV on constantly when she's home? Are there other several mediums of entertainment streaming at the same time (radio in the kitchen, TV in the living room, and more things rattling off sound in other rooms simultaneously? This would send most of us in a rage. It doesn't mean you need to change but you may consider soundproofing her room or buying her ear defenders. 

She's nine. She's too young to have gone on silent retreats and sunk into the depths of her being and found all the collected unforgiveness and resentment built up over decades. She's too young to have a degree in semiotics and linguistics and collected catalogues on the enunciated impact of sonic warfare and frequencies or researched assaulting spores of invisible moulds and VOCs or even just have some basic science on how polyester is basically tar, a by-product of petroleum and the skin responds like it's wearing plastic, because it is. She's not your enemy. In fact, your job is to protect her but she's acting like an animal that's been left to fend for itself under the elements in the wild, so it's difficult to really assess.

I feel for you, and I want to suggest there are very real reasons she's responding this way. You might not be able to see them or recognise them, but they exist. Most Non-Autistics can dull their senses, aren't plagued by nightmares, aren't frustrated by a lack of ability to find words or frustrated by feeling isolated and misunderstood. Society is a little more fluid for you  We don't have super powers, but this is what daily life can be like for us: https://youtu.be/HYSokpI5gco

Only, we see discrepancies as well. When someone says something but does another. We feel when something is off, when someone says something but doesn't mean it, but we won't really be able to assess until later. And if we're young we won't have the language to describe what's happening. This inability to identify compounds issues substantially. 

It could also be important to notice if you treat her like other non-autistics as this could be setting her off. For instance if a friend says a thing is difficult and you respond by saying, "I know you can do this!" you're affirming their ability because that's what they were asking you for. When you respond the same way to an autistic, you're not affirming them, you're actually dismissing them and telling them they're not worth supporting. When an autistic says something is difficult, they will have made a full assessment of the thing and their own ability, they will actually be saying "I need your help" or "This is beyond my ability". They're not looking for affirmation. They're looking for something practical. This is just how incredibly different we are. You might be causing her to feel isolated daily thinking you're doing the opposite. 

I may have mentioned, but have a look at this woman's Instagram posts. It could really help see things from a fresh perspective: www.instagram.com/.../

Okay, let’s talk about language, because high functioning autism is a term that often used to refer to an individual who has autism spectrum disorder but appear typical and doesn’t require support. It’s not productive term and often the term is used deny autistic individuals support. 

As an autistic adult without a co-occurring intellectual disability I need to inform that your child may miss social cures, Miss interpret non literal language and have a problem recognising and regulating their emotional state doesn’t mean they are stupid. 

the language you use around them, the false body language you fake around them. It’s extremely stressful for the autistic individual that relies on other cues to help them compensate for their lack of ability to understand neurologically typical communication. 

The way you talk about them in front of other people when they are in the room. Even when you believe their out of range and you talk about their deficiencies to others.

They hear it all, even from your mouth when you think their not able to hear. If they don’t hear it from you, they hear it from teachers, other children and other parents. 

All this information get processed and fixated on by a child’s brain in an emotional way weather or not they are autistic. 

Imagine not understanding your own emotion but understanding hostility and the feeling of resentment from people who are supposed to love you unconditionally. It stresses you out. 

Hostility, negativity and resentment is what you are unknowingly communicating to your child, you can try hard to hide those feeling, you can fake your body language and change your behaviour but the way the autistic mind works, we tend to use every tiny recognisable pattern in body language, behaviours to recognise way of common communication and understanding the world around us. 

the problem your describing is really common and it often the parents causing the issue and not the child. You need to re evaluate your expectations your placing on your child. 

a child often learns to respect others by how their treated. If your not respecting your child’s needs or forcing them into situations their not ready for, they going to communicate that aggressively and resist it, it is why many autistic individuals are mentally immature from their peers because those with demand avoidance profile will resist a demand and not progress until the pressure is removed from them.