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Verbal abuse and disrespect from my daughter

Suzi

My 9 year old has High functioning autism and is angry most of the time. She speaks to me like dirt on most occasions especially if she doesn't get her own way.

She will openly call me and her father and brother a' ***'  she is rude, and vulgar to the point I don't want to take her anywhere.

Can anyone relate and give me some advice on handling this behaviour? I miss having a loving relationship with my child because she shows me nothing but disrespect and anger. I continue to show her love and patience and understand. I have set boundaries and consequences but they do not work. 

I've tried so many strategies and am learning more about autism every day.

I don't understand why she feels the need to treat me so badly most of the time?

I feel completely helpless and that I'm failing her 

Any help/ anyone in similar situation I would love to hear from you 

Thanks 

Parents

  • I am a retired teacher with 32 years of instructional experience. I am also autistic.

    My suggeston would be to set boundaries by establishing house rules. Be firm, fair, and consistent with the enforcement of these rules. Nothing undermines rules faster than giving a child warning after warning after warning with a complete failure to follow through.  Reward good behavior and implement consequences for bad behavior. When I was an elmentary teacher, I kept my class rules simple.

    1. Be kind.
    2. Be respectful.
    3. Try your best.
    4. Be on time.
    5. If you use it, you will put it away.

    The rules were kept general and broad because I realized early on that if got too nit-picky, I could get lost in the details. Worst yet, having nit-picky details could confuse the students. If you decide to implement rules, keep them short and simple. Make sure they're posted so that there's no confusion about who said what. 

    To support my classroom expectations, I used to have a token economy. I gave ink stamps for good citizenship (helping others), improved effort on academic assignments, completion of homework etc. Each student had a notebook for these stamps. The stamps were redeemable for various types of treats. 5 stanps could be traded in for a candy. 15 stamps allowed students to visit my toy jar. As students used stamps, I crossed them off to avoid any confusion as to how many current stamps a student might have. 

    Bad behavior in my classroom resulted in a warning that was followed by a call to the parents. Continued bad berhavior resulted in time out during recess. 

    You might consider negotating rewards and consequences with your child. 

    Most people with autism including yours truly, also thrive with structure. A lack of structure results in growing frustration on the part of the person with ASD.

    If you have not already done so, you should have a set schedule for the child. Not knowing what will happen next can be a source of incrediblle frustration as the transition from one activity to another can be challenging. People with autism are not good with spontaneity. Having an establshed routine provides a sense of control over a world that may seem chaotic and confusing.

    If you create a daily schedule, make sure that it's also clearly posted so as to avoid any future confusion. 

Reply

  • I am a retired teacher with 32 years of instructional experience. I am also autistic.

    My suggeston would be to set boundaries by establishing house rules. Be firm, fair, and consistent with the enforcement of these rules. Nothing undermines rules faster than giving a child warning after warning after warning with a complete failure to follow through.  Reward good behavior and implement consequences for bad behavior. When I was an elmentary teacher, I kept my class rules simple.

    1. Be kind.
    2. Be respectful.
    3. Try your best.
    4. Be on time.
    5. If you use it, you will put it away.

    The rules were kept general and broad because I realized early on that if got too nit-picky, I could get lost in the details. Worst yet, having nit-picky details could confuse the students. If you decide to implement rules, keep them short and simple. Make sure they're posted so that there's no confusion about who said what. 

    To support my classroom expectations, I used to have a token economy. I gave ink stamps for good citizenship (helping others), improved effort on academic assignments, completion of homework etc. Each student had a notebook for these stamps. The stamps were redeemable for various types of treats. 5 stanps could be traded in for a candy. 15 stamps allowed students to visit my toy jar. As students used stamps, I crossed them off to avoid any confusion as to how many current stamps a student might have. 

    Bad behavior in my classroom resulted in a warning that was followed by a call to the parents. Continued bad berhavior resulted in time out during recess. 

    You might consider negotating rewards and consequences with your child. 

    Most people with autism including yours truly, also thrive with structure. A lack of structure results in growing frustration on the part of the person with ASD.

    If you have not already done so, you should have a set schedule for the child. Not knowing what will happen next can be a source of incrediblle frustration as the transition from one activity to another can be challenging. People with autism are not good with spontaneity. Having an establshed routine provides a sense of control over a world that may seem chaotic and confusing.

    If you create a daily schedule, make sure that it's also clearly posted so as to avoid any future confusion. 

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