Verbal abuse and disrespect from my daughter

What do you mean by this? Is there something specific to help us understand as it's not common for autistic children:

Suzi said:

especially if she doesn't get her own way

Is she in the middle of something when this happens? I can almost guarantee you, if she is acting this way, she is in pain.

Almost all autistic children are hyper sensory. We might have on-going dietary issues and not be able to express it. I think you mentioned she doesn't appear to have sensory issues, but she will. She just won't be able to communicate them. She is wired for sufficient warnings and not surprises. She will seem better in less chaotic environments. For instance, is the TV on constantly when she's home? Are there other several mediums of entertainment streaming at the same time (radio in the kitchen, TV in the living room, and more things rattling off sound in other rooms simultaneously? This would send most of us in a rage. It doesn't mean you need to change but you may consider soundproofing her room or buying her ear defenders. 

She's nine. She's too young to have gone on silent retreats and sunk into the depths of her being and found all the collected unforgiveness and resentment built up over decades. She's too young to have a degree in semiotics and linguistics and collected catalogues on the enunciated impact of sonic warfare and frequencies or researched assaulting spores of invisible moulds and VOCs or even just have some basic science on how polyester is basically tar, a by-product of petroleum and the skin responds like it's wearing plastic, because it is. She's not your enemy. In fact, your job is to protect her but she's acting like an animal that's been left to fend for itself under the elements in the wild, so it's difficult to really assess.

I feel for you, and I want to suggest there are very real reasons she's responding this way. You might not be able to see them or recognise them, but they exist. Most Non-Autistics can dull their senses, aren't plagued by nightmares, aren't frustrated by a lack of ability to find words or frustrated by feeling isolated and misunderstood. Society is a little more fluid for you  We don't have super powers, but this is what daily life can be like for us: https://youtu.be/HYSokpI5gco

Only, we see discrepancies as well. When someone says something but does another. We feel when something is off, when someone says something but doesn't mean it, but we won't really be able to assess until later. And if we're young we won't have the language to describe what's happening. This inability to identify compounds issues substantially. 

It could also be important to notice if you treat her like other non-autistics as this could be setting her off. For instance if a friend says a thing is difficult and you respond by saying, "I know you can do this!" you're affirming their ability because that's what they were asking you for. When you respond the same way to an autistic, you're not affirming them, you're actually dismissing them and telling them they're not worth supporting. When an autistic says something is difficult, they will have made a full assessment of the thing and their own ability, they will actually be saying "I need your help" or "This is beyond my ability". They're not looking for affirmation. They're looking for something practical. This is just how incredibly different we are. You might be causing her to feel isolated daily thinking you're doing the opposite. 

I may have mentioned, but have a look at this woman's Instagram posts. It could really help see things from a fresh perspective: www.instagram.com/.../

Hi, she doesn't like not being in control and not getting her own way which often leads to huge meltdowns that go on for hours. 

She doesn't like being told 'no' so we choose our words Wisley however it is extremely difficult.

That for the above links I'll have a read

Hi, she doesn't like not being in control and not getting her own way which often leads to huge meltdowns that go on for hours. 

She doesn't like being told 'no' so we choose our words Wisley however it is extremely difficult.

That for the above links I'll have a read

Yet again the language you are using is negative. 

“she doesn’t like not being in control” sounds rather manipulative. When your child is struggling with un predictable situations. often situations that influence routine, structure or require the use of social imagination your child is going to get stressed and try and avoid un predicability. 

they will often hyper fixated of previous routines or activities that smooth them, if they are being denied access to something to relive the anxiety and stress of course they will act up because you refusing to listen to their needs. 

also the word “NO” means nothing to an autistic child when they’re are not given the option to say “NO”. You should of started explaining why your saying “NO” to something. 

How do you react when your child says “NO” to you ? Because it sound like you don’t allow them the time to process and formulate an answer  explaining why and force them to do it anyway.

which fundamentally make the world “NO” redundant. Because to your child it doesn’t mean “NO”.