Living with my partner with aspergers

Playing away is common but not normal in the statistical sense of what is most common. Most men and women do not do this and most partners would not tolerate it. You have the choice of whether or not to put up with this or whether to show him the door. Having ASD does not explain or excuse this and people with ASD can and do understand the conventions or rules around what a relationship entails. I have ASD and am in no doubt that if I played away then that would be the end of it. It isn't a hard or difficult rule to understand is it? ASD people are often very particular about rules but we can sometimes persuade ourselves that, for example, if we think that everybody else does something then the rules don't apply. I guess he may think it is normal and therefore that he can do it.

,No, you are not "barking mad or stupid" Zimgill.  I can identify with you as my situation has similatities, although I am not actually living with my 'partner'.  He has always been described as odd and has a tendency to form poor relationships with most people, family,work colleagues, acquaintances etc etc.,but I know him at a different level and love and care about him very much.  We are very close and he always says that he loves me and I am "the one".  He needs me and always returns to me. 

About two years ago I gently brought up the subject of Aspergers to see if I could persuade him to talk about how he feels and how he sees things.- apparantly the subject had never been mentioned before.  We can talk freely about all sorts of thing including the way he behaves and treats me, but how much he really understands or cares I do not know.  He likes to "say nothing" and stare at me; he can blatently lie and also can be very deceitful, anything to do what he wants and prove that he is right.  His wife who died a few years ago was a very strong lady who kept him under control but since that control has been lifted he has, in my opinion, become very vunerable.  I am not the controlling type, prefering to work through problems by understanding.   However, one of his obsessions is women, and of course internet dating is a big draw.  When I talk to hime about it he just says "why not"- even though he is "not happy" in the relationships and they don't last.  In his eyes he is just being a "normal man" He will secretly take women away on holiday and when he returns it as though nothing has happened!.   I do sometimes wonder why the NT has to do all the understanding and accepting and just how much self control and realisation the AS really has.   I suppose nobody will ever know because we are all individuals.  Surely the NT can have some expectation just as the AS has for themselves.   Are there any strategies we can use to help and guide our loved ones to a more fulfilled and less stressful life??.

If you knew someone that was colour blind you would not try to get them to see the difference between read and blue would you? You could explain that there is a thing called colour and you can explain that some things are red and somethings are blue but you wouldn't patiently wait for him to see it for himself. ASD is a bit like that - we are blind to some things that other people can see. He can try and be aware that he has to be careful about what he says but you have to interpret what he says differently too.

It can be a big shock to discover that one is not the same as other people. I never knew that there was a difference until I was 56. Over a year later I still get confused and struggle to make sense of it. Equally, for you it is a big shock to discover that someone is findamentally different in a way that you never imagined. You have to give yourselves some allowance for the new situation, you both find yourselves in, and try and adjust your expectations.

After counselling for dealing with an inappropriate long term sexual text/telephone conversation that my husband had with another woman, which almost detsroyed me, yet another counsellor suggested that I investigate further as to whether he had Aspergers, something I had always joked about with him because of his rather bizarre behaviour, comments and lack of emotion.  

Several months later he finally agreed to read Apergers in Love and he himself has totally agreed that he identifies with the examples on practically every level.  At first, on reading, we were able to chat and laugh and finally I felt I was able to explain to him just why I find some of his behaviour so unacceptable, hurtful and downright mean and that he had finally opened his ears and that his brain was listening to me and that we would now be able to move forward together, however, the very next day, the man who got up in the morning was tearful and angry with me and himself, me for exposing this to him and himself because he always knew it but now could not protect himself anylonger from the reality.

We have known each other for many years and I have always loved him but we only re-united 5 years ago and have been married for 4.  I can honestly say that until now sometimes there have been periods of loneliness that I never experienced even as a single parent!  I have found it difficult to understand why no-one, in my view, loved him enough to understand his behaviour and to help him change small things that could make a difference or at least to highlight area's where recognition of his actions/words could have perhaps been modified.  His mother has always said, he as always an odd little boy........

I suppose the path is a long and tricky one, at the moment his attitude is "well this behaviour is normal for people like me", and whilst I know that this is true there is also part of me that wants and hopes to believe that if he is more aware of this then there may be certain things that he will think about and perhaps stop himself from saying or doing the things he does, or am I just completely fooling myself?

I am hoping to find a support group near me where I can learn to laugh again at some of the absurdities that I live with, or at least where I can be reassured that I am not barking mad or stupid or the only person in the world living like this .....

How can you 'turn a problem into a lifestyle''? I don't understand what you mean by this comment.

Reading these comments I can relate and understand both of your points. I understand wiserladys point of view when it comes to sex and the dynamics of a typical relationship we all crave attention an expect a certain amount of sexual intimacy to make a relationship satisfying. But one thing I have learnt living with someone with Aspergers syndrome is that almost every relationship rule and concept goes out of the window im afraid, im not implying people with aspergers are not capable of a satisfying relationship but the basic things we expect from relationships have to be rewritten.

I cherish the relationship I am in, its unlike no other its special because he's special. My partner has admitted since knowing me its like he has in his words 'woken up' he is discovering he can feel and he can learn to express those feelings in his own ways it just needs time. I understand not everyone has time nor would a 60 year old man want to spend his time trying to wrap his head around something like that. Being diagnosed did not affect my partner in anyway, it did not help him it just gave him a excuse. I knew long before he was diagnosed to. 

I also understand codgers points in that your partner is who he is, and accepting that is a weight off your shoulders but for that to happen maybe he would have to accept who you think he is, no change can happen if both don't know the truth. Iv read many articles and spent so much time talking, counseling my partner wanting to know why he thinks the way he does, I don't claim to know everything I just know that if you choose to be with someone knowing they have aspergers you have to learn to accept them even if you don't feel loved by them, they deserve to be loved.

I Hope you all have a good day :)

Thanks for the comments. I know you mean well but no I am not going to tell my husband he has aspergers. He is a very capable, well educated, inteligent person, he helps many other people with emotional and mental health problems, same as I do. He is also very easily hurt and delicate. I know my decision is right.

If I said to my hubby that he can come on this forum and chat to intelligent pepole he would laugh. He would say well I chat to you and my friends and my colleagues and you are all very inteligent. Why would I waste my time in a forum of strangers?  If I told him the forum was about aspergers he would see it as a total waste of time. I have given a lot of thought to this situation, it is me that has to live with my decision and me that is not willing to risk hurting him and changing the dynamics of the relationship.

Most men want sex often and regularly, my guy can want it today and then wait till next year. That is not normal, not unless you have an issue such as aspergers.

And yes he has aspergers. I did not list all of the things that led me to that diagnosis but they are there.  His brother also has it. It often runs in families.

I also love knowledge, but I find it is best to go to the source that knows best. A professional. I cannot understand when amateurs pretend they know as much when they are guessing or going by themselves or taking unnecessary risks.

My hubby is fascinated by classic cars, he is alwsays reading about them talking about them and tinkering with them. If he had more spare time he would go on forums about that, nothing else.

Hi Wiserlady. Others on here will say this too - I have an incredibly high IQ, I'm very well educated, and I have all sorts of random knowledge that stuns people sometimes. I'm crap at relationships (although now I know why) so this is hard to understand, considering that I'm perfect LOL!.

I was just short of my 60th birthday when I got my diagnosis. I cannot describe to you the difference it has made to my life, so I won't try. Non-ASD people are unlikely to understand anyway, but you could try pointing your husband in our direction - he'd get it, if he really is ASD.

Anyone who knows me says the same - thanks for telling us but you're still the same person we always knew so what difference does it make? My answer is that I've no idea, but at least now they know. Your husband doesn't sound overly concerned, according to your words, so first ask yourself why you feel it important. For my part, I can see what he says and largely agree with it.

Men, ASD or not, don't spend a lot of time talking about love and stuff, love and sex are completely separate subjects for men anyway, whereas they are the same thing to women. Pardon me for saying this but the things you describe appear to me to be more about your personal dissatisfaction than concern for your husband. You don't even appear to understand male sexuality, or the range that personal libido can cover. If yours is high, and his is low...?

You should get a few answers on here and it will definitely be worth your while to talk them over with your husband. I'd really like to encourage him to ask his own questions of us, but I've no idea how you might persuade him to, given his apparent dissinterest in the whole topic! However, you might start by saying 'there are some really intelligent people...'.

Just a thought. If my perceptions are 'off', they're my AS perceptions based on your words and I do not apologise for having them because I am not sorry to be me. I do, however, stand to be corrected by new information, and I love new information!

All the best

Good morning. This really hit a note with me as I am in a very similar situation.  But my husband is sixty and he was never officially diagnosed with aspergers, nobdoy else around him has worked out he has it, I am the only one, and I know it would be a bad thing to tell him.   He is a very inteligent, well educated, knowledgeable man. He is perfect in so many ways, but he will never talk about feelings - us - love - etc. And he is very rarely interested in sex and when he is I feel that I am expected to instantly fancy it too whenever it suits him and then not want it for months when he does not.  He is a very kind man, the best man I have known, but this really gets to me.  I hve tried to explain all of this and discuss it with him and he says it worries him that I analyse things so much,  he sees it as how I am in the wrong for not just accepting that we are together and there should be no more to it.  I have told him that if he said he loved me sometimes it would make the world of difference, then he goes on about if he said it NOW it would be forced and it would be clear he is just saying it to please me.  Yes I say, so dont say it now, say it in a week or two weeks or whenever.  Then six months goes by and he has said nothing again and it comes up again.  How are you coping with your situation?