RE: Met a Gorgeous Man a bit over two months ago believe he may be on the spectrum needing assistance and advice please

Which is why i got on here to get assistance to be able to communicate and have open discussions and communications about it and how to let him know I want him to be able to be his self with me, to just be himself, I liked him from the moment I met him basically and that was before he done any of that neurotypical stuff - I like him for who he is. I don't mean to sound like i'm playing the victim here i'm just trying to articulate what's happened but I just don't think i'm doing it very well. Sorry!

please expand?

Well it was great and I felt like (and our house mates could even see it) we made each other very happy, I know just being around him just being in the same place as him makes me happy but now things have sadly been distorted and I'm not sure how/if they can be fixed and I don't even know why they changed, what happened that his mind changed but yeh - I am still glad that I found him too but i am getting mature in age now and need to think about some time limits in regards to future things and he may have a lot going on and not able to have a relationship right now but does that mean he's wanting me to wait? or that was he's way of saying know without having to be Truley honest or what I do not know BUT please please don't let my troubled experience put you off putting yourself out there - keep trying to meet people because everyone deserves to have someone to love and be loved - it's worth te struggle if your mental health can take it. Good luck in your search.

Hello Uhane - well this is the thing, I honestly and truly have no idea! Like I said previously I have been second guessing myself and sleepless nights worrying what it is I could of done wrong. I don't understand what happened or changed in the two days between the date and meeting his family to when I told him exactly how I felt about him and he replied hours later with 'not interested in a relationship at the moment' - I don't know what has happened, I don't know what I did or even if it is anything I have done or if it's something to do with his daughter, his ex and custody things I know he not long got through a long battle with that BUT he didn't say way or explain why he would take me and do all that which clearly is intent for a relationship but then has changed his mind - something must have happened in those two days what I have no idea and he hasn't said why nor has he spoken about it since. If I knew I would say - I'm not at all trying to paint him as a bad guy or anything like that, I know he has a lot going on but I think an explanation and some truth to why was something I deserved to know as meeting the family 'oh so big' and meant a lot to me and it seemed like it did to him too so I am hurt because he bought me into his world like full on in and now i'm left thinking what the hell did I do wrong just matter of fact completely different words to his actions and no explanation, it's painful and mentally draining... However if he would just communicate with me whats wrong ... I know it doesn't tell you much and that is because myself I don't know to tell you. - I don't know or understand what happened in those 48 hours??!

That’s great glad you found this man. You will be happy about that then. Autistic people are very nice and stuff. I am a nice man too. I asked a girl out a few days ago but sadly she already had a man. But she said that if she wasn’t already take she would have went out with me so that’s cool.

Not a small detail either. 

You seem quick to look for pigeon holes to put this fellow in when your only gripe was that you were happy.

Or. You can explain the nature of this "hurt" you say he inflicted?

What precipitated the event beforehand? What part did you play?

There's a lot of missing data that makes the one side of the story your giving us far from a best seller.

Let's start again,

I'm slightly disoriented as one of my messages was pulled, so that I may have lost the conversation thread. Bear with me.

My frustration on a much larger issue was allowed to spill over into your thread, so I apologise.

As the name suggests, I can be a grumpy old man, though it's not its primary purpose. However, much of what I have said is relevant to your situation. Although delivering it in the context, it wasn't helpful or polite.

Please don't be offended by this, but why must you change to be what he deserves? Your actions dictate that you think about others, and you have sought advice from unfamiliar territory, gathered resources, dedicated time to learning, and battled a grumpy ogre ;-). 

I was trying to make the point that you could dedicate yourself to 10,000 mastery of all things neurodiverse, and you will not move forward as the solution is whatever works in that particular dynamic. Equally, I spend three-quarters of the day observing neurotypicals; that may be an over-exaggeration, but still, a day doesn't go by when I am not entirely baffled. 

First, I would suggest you do is invest quality time in being kind to yourself. If this person is as self-sufficient as you suggest, he can amuse himself and want what is best for you. 

Oh my goodness thank you so very much for your reply Match - you have no idea how much I appreciate it, I appreciate it very much and thank you for taking the time to assist me. I will respond in more detail to you tomorrow/oh later today I should say and i'll try to be clearer on the behaviors (i just hope it's not a bedrail or wrong thing to do typing it to people on a forum... But there is no identification so I hope it is ok - that's why hadn't said to much detail before was all), as it is so late and I think I am going to be able to finally fall asleep. I was actually concerned for a little while there that I shouldn't of reach out and posted on here to be honest but thank you for changing my mind and helping me. Again thank you very for replying with your assistance.

Hi NAS94406  - Its difficult to know from your message what specific behaviours you think might indicate autism. I'm going to assume you want to know what the signs of autism in adults are to help you support your love interest better   and so any others seeing this post with the same issue see this information.

I would reccomend watching some Youtubers - I like @TheAspieWorld. He describes well how autism appears in late diagnosed adults.

Otherwise this website (the national autistic society - go to the National Autistic Society homepage and under 'Advice and Guidance' and 'What is Autism' there is lots of information which is a really good starting point for figuring out if someone might be autistic.

In terms of opening up communication and communicating again, again I don't know much about your situation from your message however some good pointers for communicating with autistic adults (and everybody in general actually, but especially so with suspected autistic adults) are:

- Use clear unambiguous language. I.e rather than saying 'things have been rough and I wondered how you've been' with the expectation he will pick up 'I need to text back and arrange a date' say instead 'things have been rough lately and I'm sorry about how we miscommunicated. I really miss you. Can we get coffee at [insert local place] at Xpm on X day of week?' many autistic people, myself included often miss social cues, even in dating, unless the intention is spelled out clear. (In response to a message like 'things have been rough and I wondered how you've been' I often go 'I'm doing ok I've been doing xyz.' and totally fail to pick up that the other person is expecting something else other than how I am from that message.)

- A non dating example of social cues is if 4 people go in a room where there is a table with a jug of water on it and some cups. 1 person is autistic and the other 3 people are non autistic. If any of the non autistic people go in the room first, they see the jug and pour water for the other people because they are able to see the cue. However if the autistic person goes in the room first, unless the autistic person has been specifically shown before/ memorised this is what is supposed to be done, they will miss they need to pour water for the other people. They notice the water and cups but cannot see they need to pour water for other people.

- Similar to above when he misses a social cue don't immediately jump to the standard dating assumption. Say like in that first example I went  'I'm doing ok I've been doing xyz.' to someone I was seeing who didn't know I was autistic. The date then thinks I don't love them anymore because I didn't pick up I was supposed to arrange a date in response, or to comfort them because they're upset. The date thinks I'm uncaring and cuts off contact, leaving hypothetical me very hurt with no idea what they did wrong. If your date does something you're not happy about, first assume they didn't do it on purpose and talk to them as such before taking things further.

NAS94406 said:

5 weeks into meeting him he has taken me on a date and the same day took me to meet like 60-70% of his immediate family - we had a meal with his parents.

That is not the behaviour of an Autistic person. Ask anybody on here. That is entirely the opposite of an autistic behaviour. I want to show you that I'm not unsympathetic or that I hate love. I'll play ball. Let's assume he is the neurodiverse, capable of masking to that extent. It's not a genuine interpretation of who he is; it's not a foundation on which to build a relationship as, over time, it will evaporate, and that isn't fair to either of you.

Continually having been told for the last 20years of my career including only just last week twice about my work the last several months and also how I'm viewed the same outside of work in my personal life also But Now all that you are going to say (even though you asked) i am egotistical and arrogant etc which I am not I was just trying to explain how i could be the situation etc and not type to much as I often get carried away. 

I never stop critiquing myself - I blamed myself for this for weeks despite having made sure I had not placed a foot wrong as best I could, i'm constantly second guessing myself and questioning myself internally - i've been putting my mental health and my body (no sleep etc) through hell for weeks of what I could of done differently and now that I have come looking for help for me - so I can be the type of friend or partner he deserves (when I said 'us' i meant we live in the same house for us - meaning so we can get along not just co exist, i didn't mean anything about saving anyone - he is far from needing saving) and all i've gotten is shut down and ridicule for having worded things wrong. very high functioning was meant as a compliment as i find him brilliant, no offence intended what so ever. 

NAS94406 said:

I am beyond understanding, caring, compassionate

How do you know?

The subject line of your message contains 'gorgeous' - a value judgement, no? 

Please elaborate on where you feel my comments are unjustified. I have all day. I'm happy to substantiate any arguments I have made. Start by asking me why I have all day.

How you have responded to Debbie, where I am concerned, is appalling. Whether you believe it is relevant or not, it is of little interest to me as I am sure that my opinion that your post is selfish and egotistical is to you or that it reinforces my point. You ask that people keep their opinions to themselves, yet you haphazardly make assumptions, perform diagnosis and cast dispersions on others, yet you are really 'caring.' 

Was my comment appropriate? Probably not, but that doesn't make it less valid. But the last time I checked, this was a forum for Autistic people to discuss, amongst other things, issues concerning the neurodiverse community. It was coupled with the fact that many of the terms you have used are utterly offensive. Please expand on 'extremely high functioning.' Since there isn't a definitive definition in the DSM V, please elucidate to us all how you have come to your conclusion. I have recently looked on the Autism Research Center website, and they don't have a definitive definition either.

Yes. I am Bored and Irritated - by people like you who believe everybody needs saving yet do not dare to look internally and critique yourself as you do others. 

Well considering my original post nor other comments so far actually haven't given any direct examples of the suspected traits 'quirks' as i described them and haven't actually stated why it is that I thought he may be neurodiverse (not that it matters at all, I like him very much for who he is, who he is i believe is why I do like him so much) as I didn't want to divulge more personal things (even though no identity here) until someone commented with genuine caring and positivity in wanting to assist me/us and paid enough attention to actually note that I hadn't actually stated any what I thought the signs/traits were - THUS i'm not really sure how you can conclude that he is the exact opposite when I haven't even described his quirks as i put it / traits. So how you can come to that conclusion i'm not sure but well done there's the reply you wanted to cure your boredom and irritability, congrats.

Although yes i will agree that the individuality of neurodiverse and the countless traits etc etc does make it widely applicable to lots of people although I believe that's if your looking at it on paper - when applied in person and with individuals it's different I feel.

But yes I can see an aspect of where your original comment is coming from, however your conclusion here is unjustified as the not even a 3rd of the information has been provided - much less the information that would be required for you to draw the conclusion. 

P.S. you may be the superficial one here as when I say gorgeous right away you assume it's a remark referring to this mans looks only. In fact I was referring to everything about him quirks and all, I think that he gorgeous for many many reasons.

I am allowed to have and want values and yes I do value his gorgeous character, and behaviors and values that he seems to hold, so yes I have value judged him as I know he has me with some comments (not as positive as mine) he has made as it is human nature to do so and i understand theat.

Hi Debbie,

Yes, precisely that. Other than in a medical context, everybody I have ever talked to about being on the spectrum either has or knows somebody with 'autistic traits'.

If you look at the numbers, more people are in the diagnostic process than would justify it being called an abnormal condition. 

Does the person, as described in the original message, sound Autistic to you? To me, he sounds completely the opposite. I'm not for one minute suggesting that those in genuine need shouldn't be given the appropriate help. 

But I am making a valid point. However poorly received it is.

Are you able to give me any advice with my situation regarding original post and related comments to my original post please and thank you. P.s. yes I agree Bord & Irritable my be as per the name however yes I think Debbie is correct - not relevant nor correct or productive of a comment. Although each to their own opinion but if we could stay on topic to the post would be much appreciated please and thank you.

Bored and irritable said:

Neurodiversity is big business - everybody is on the spectrum. I wonder why there are no resources for people in genuine need.

I am trying to understand this statement.

Are you implying that people are being diagnosed (or self identifying) inappropriately/incorrectly (as obviously everyone isn't autistic)?