Published on 12, July, 2020
I by chance unexpectedly about two and a half months ago met this absolutely beautiful man - he is a man not without his quirks but if anything I find those endearing and quite cute to be honest. We instantly had a vibe and appeared to like each other, constant eye contact, smiles and finding excuses to be in one another's presence and,or text msg's - he even unnecessarily called me one day, which I totally loved that hearing his voice during my work day, I was on a natural heigh the rest of the day (good lord listen to me I sound like a bloody teenager lol).
Please Note: I apologies upfront for all of the writing that is coming (thus I will try to do some dot point too) summarisation has never been my strong suit sadly lol...
There are a lots of bits and pieces and even though it;s only been like 10-11 weeks a lot has happened but for now I'll keep it brief - I believe that this gorgeous man may have Aspergers, Autism and be on the spectrum but is extremely high functioning or, or he may just be so extremely intelligent that the things I have noticed are just quirks I am not sure. Also if he is on the spectrum I am unsure if diagnosed but doesn't accept or didn't want to tell me or that he hasn't been diagnosed.
I am neurotypical however I am beyond understanding, caring, compassionate and honestly if he is on the spectrum and he would of been upfront with me it would of saved some missed opportunities of beautiful conversations and experiences AND would of prevented me from getting very unforcedly out of the blue unexpected hurt by him. I have a 19+ year caring, nursing and NDIS/NDA background and I am just a passionate caring person in general so am extremely equipped to deal with this if told the truth and given the opportunity and my own choice to do so.
I am sending out this post for help (those on the spectrum and those who are in relationships with or been in long term relationship etc);
To a) see if my thoughts that he is on the spectrum are possibly correct
b) if so what other traits that I have missed besides what already notice should I look out for
c) things were beautiful for weeks and things happened that were so wonderful but now he did things and said complete opposite and we have now lost communication but I wish to open up the communication back but without being to over whelming if my thoughts are right that he is on the spectrum and I need help.
Hi NAS94406 - Its difficult to know from your message what specific behaviours you think might indicate autism. I'm going to assume you want to know what the signs of autism in adults are to help you support your love interest better and so any others seeing this post with the same issue see this information.
I would reccomend watching some Youtubers - I like @TheAspieWorld. He describes well how autism appears in late diagnosed adults.
Otherwise this website (the national autistic society - go to the National Autistic Society homepage and under 'Advice and Guidance' and 'What is Autism' there is lots of information which is a really good starting point for figuring out if someone might be autistic.
In terms of opening up communication and communicating again, again I don't know much about your situation from your message however some good pointers for communicating with autistic adults (and everybody in general actually, but especially so with suspected autistic adults) are:
- Use clear unambiguous language. I.e rather than saying 'things have been rough and I wondered how you've been' with the expectation he will pick up 'I need to text back and arrange a date' say instead 'things have been rough lately and I'm sorry about how we miscommunicated. I really miss you. Can we get coffee at [insert local place] at Xpm on X day of week?' many autistic people, myself included often miss social cues, even in dating, unless the intention is spelled out clear. (In response to a message like 'things have been rough and I wondered how you've been' I often go 'I'm doing ok I've been doing xyz.' and totally fail to pick up that the other person is expecting something else other than how I am from that message.)
- A non dating example of social cues is if 4 people go in a room where there is a table with a jug of water on it and some cups. 1 person is autistic and the other 3 people are non autistic. If any of the non autistic people go in the room first, they see the jug and pour water for the other people because they are able to see the cue. However if the autistic person goes in the room first, unless the autistic person has been specifically shown before/ memorised this is what is supposed to be done, they will miss they need to pour water for the other people. They notice the water and cups but cannot see they need to pour water for other people.
- Similar to above when he misses a social cue don't immediately jump to the standard dating assumption. Say like in that first example I went 'I'm doing ok I've been doing xyz.' to someone I was seeing who didn't know I was autistic. The date then thinks I don't love them anymore because I didn't pick up I was supposed to arrange a date in response, or to comfort them because they're upset. The date thinks I'm uncaring and cuts off contact, leaving hypothetical me very hurt with no idea what they did wrong. If your date does something you're not happy about, first assume they didn't do it on purpose and talk to them as such before taking things further.
Oh my goodness thank you so very much for your reply Match - you have no idea how much I appreciate it, I appreciate it very much and thank you for taking the time to assist me. I will respond in more detail to you tomorrow/oh later today I should say and i'll try to be clearer on the behaviors (i just hope it's not a bedrail or wrong thing to do typing it to people on a forum... But there is no identification so I hope it is ok - that's why hadn't said to much detail before was all), as it is so late and I think I am going to be able to finally fall asleep. I was actually concerned for a little while there that I shouldn't of reach out and posted on here to be honest but thank you for changing my mind and helping me. Again thank you very for replying with your assistance.