RE: Met a Gorgeous Man a bit over two months ago believe he may be on the spectrum needing assistance and advice please

Which is why i got on here to get assistance to be able to communicate and have open discussions and communications about it and how to let him know I want him to be able to be his self with me, to just be himself, I liked him from the moment I met him basically and that was before he done any of that neurotypical stuff - I like him for who he is. I don't mean to sound like i'm playing the victim here i'm just trying to articulate what's happened but I just don't think i'm doing it very well. Sorry!

please expand?

Hello Uhane - well this is the thing, I honestly and truly have no idea! Like I said previously I have been second guessing myself and sleepless nights worrying what it is I could of done wrong. I don't understand what happened or changed in the two days between the date and meeting his family to when I told him exactly how I felt about him and he replied hours later with 'not interested in a relationship at the moment' - I don't know what has happened, I don't know what I did or even if it is anything I have done or if it's something to do with his daughter, his ex and custody things I know he not long got through a long battle with that BUT he didn't say way or explain why he would take me and do all that which clearly is intent for a relationship but then has changed his mind - something must have happened in those two days what I have no idea and he hasn't said why nor has he spoken about it since. If I knew I would say - I'm not at all trying to paint him as a bad guy or anything like that, I know he has a lot going on but I think an explanation and some truth to why was something I deserved to know as meeting the family 'oh so big' and meant a lot to me and it seemed like it did to him too so I am hurt because he bought me into his world like full on in and now i'm left thinking what the hell did I do wrong just matter of fact completely different words to his actions and no explanation, it's painful and mentally draining... However if he would just communicate with me whats wrong ... I know it doesn't tell you much and that is because myself I don't know to tell you. - I don't know or understand what happened in those 48 hours??!

Not a small detail either. 

You seem quick to look for pigeon holes to put this fellow in when your only gripe was that you were happy.

Or. You can explain the nature of this "hurt" you say he inflicted?

What precipitated the event beforehand? What part did you play?

There's a lot of missing data that makes the one side of the story your giving us far from a best seller.

Let's start again,

I'm slightly disoriented as one of my messages was pulled, so that I may have lost the conversation thread. Bear with me.

My frustration on a much larger issue was allowed to spill over into your thread, so I apologise.

As the name suggests, I can be a grumpy old man, though it's not its primary purpose. However, much of what I have said is relevant to your situation. Although delivering it in the context, it wasn't helpful or polite.

Please don't be offended by this, but why must you change to be what he deserves? Your actions dictate that you think about others, and you have sought advice from unfamiliar territory, gathered resources, dedicated time to learning, and battled a grumpy ogre ;-). 

I was trying to make the point that you could dedicate yourself to 10,000 mastery of all things neurodiverse, and you will not move forward as the solution is whatever works in that particular dynamic. Equally, I spend three-quarters of the day observing neurotypicals; that may be an over-exaggeration, but still, a day doesn't go by when I am not entirely baffled. 

First, I would suggest you do is invest quality time in being kind to yourself. If this person is as self-sufficient as you suggest, he can amuse himself and want what is best for you. 

Oh my goodness thank you so very much for your reply Match - you have no idea how much I appreciate it, I appreciate it very much and thank you for taking the time to assist me. I will respond in more detail to you tomorrow/oh later today I should say and i'll try to be clearer on the behaviors (i just hope it's not a bedrail or wrong thing to do typing it to people on a forum... But there is no identification so I hope it is ok - that's why hadn't said to much detail before was all), as it is so late and I think I am going to be able to finally fall asleep. I was actually concerned for a little while there that I shouldn't of reach out and posted on here to be honest but thank you for changing my mind and helping me. Again thank you very for replying with your assistance.

Hi NAS94406  - Its difficult to know from your message what specific behaviours you think might indicate autism. I'm going to assume you want to know what the signs of autism in adults are to help you support your love interest better   and so any others seeing this post with the same issue see this information.

I would reccomend watching some Youtubers - I like @TheAspieWorld. He describes well how autism appears in late diagnosed adults.

Otherwise this website (the national autistic society - go to the National Autistic Society homepage and under 'Advice and Guidance' and 'What is Autism' there is lots of information which is a really good starting point for figuring out if someone might be autistic.

In terms of opening up communication and communicating again, again I don't know much about your situation from your message however some good pointers for communicating with autistic adults (and everybody in general actually, but especially so with suspected autistic adults) are:

- Use clear unambiguous language. I.e rather than saying 'things have been rough and I wondered how you've been' with the expectation he will pick up 'I need to text back and arrange a date' say instead 'things have been rough lately and I'm sorry about how we miscommunicated. I really miss you. Can we get coffee at [insert local place] at Xpm on X day of week?' many autistic people, myself included often miss social cues, even in dating, unless the intention is spelled out clear. (In response to a message like 'things have been rough and I wondered how you've been' I often go 'I'm doing ok I've been doing xyz.' and totally fail to pick up that the other person is expecting something else other than how I am from that message.)

- A non dating example of social cues is if 4 people go in a room where there is a table with a jug of water on it and some cups. 1 person is autistic and the other 3 people are non autistic. If any of the non autistic people go in the room first, they see the jug and pour water for the other people because they are able to see the cue. However if the autistic person goes in the room first, unless the autistic person has been specifically shown before/ memorised this is what is supposed to be done, they will miss they need to pour water for the other people. They notice the water and cups but cannot see they need to pour water for other people.

- Similar to above when he misses a social cue don't immediately jump to the standard dating assumption. Say like in that first example I went  'I'm doing ok I've been doing xyz.' to someone I was seeing who didn't know I was autistic. The date then thinks I don't love them anymore because I didn't pick up I was supposed to arrange a date in response, or to comfort them because they're upset. The date thinks I'm uncaring and cuts off contact, leaving hypothetical me very hurt with no idea what they did wrong. If your date does something you're not happy about, first assume they didn't do it on purpose and talk to them as such before taking things further.

NAS94406 said:

5 weeks into meeting him he has taken me on a date and the same day took me to meet like 60-70% of his immediate family - we had a meal with his parents.

That is not the behaviour of an Autistic person. Ask anybody on here. That is entirely the opposite of an autistic behaviour. I want to show you that I'm not unsympathetic or that I hate love. I'll play ball. Let's assume he is the neurodiverse, capable of masking to that extent. It's not a genuine interpretation of who he is; it's not a foundation on which to build a relationship as, over time, it will evaporate, and that isn't fair to either of you.

Continually having been told for the last 20years of my career including only just last week twice about my work the last several months and also how I'm viewed the same outside of work in my personal life also But Now all that you are going to say (even though you asked) i am egotistical and arrogant etc which I am not I was just trying to explain how i could be the situation etc and not type to much as I often get carried away. 

I never stop critiquing myself - I blamed myself for this for weeks despite having made sure I had not placed a foot wrong as best I could, i'm constantly second guessing myself and questioning myself internally - i've been putting my mental health and my body (no sleep etc) through hell for weeks of what I could of done differently and now that I have come looking for help for me - so I can be the type of friend or partner he deserves (when I said 'us' i meant we live in the same house for us - meaning so we can get along not just co exist, i didn't mean anything about saving anyone - he is far from needing saving) and all i've gotten is shut down and ridicule for having worded things wrong. very high functioning was meant as a compliment as i find him brilliant, no offence intended what so ever. 

NAS94406 said:

I am beyond understanding, caring, compassionate

How do you know?

How you have responded to Debbie, where I am concerned, is appalling. Whether you believe it is relevant or not, it is of little interest to me as I am sure that my opinion that your post is selfish and egotistical is to you or that it reinforces my point. You ask that people keep their opinions to themselves, yet you haphazardly make assumptions, perform diagnosis and cast dispersions on others, yet you are really 'caring.' 

Was my comment appropriate? Probably not, but that doesn't make it less valid. But the last time I checked, this was a forum for Autistic people to discuss, amongst other things, issues concerning the neurodiverse community. It was coupled with the fact that many of the terms you have used are utterly offensive. Please expand on 'extremely high functioning.' Since there isn't a definitive definition in the DSM V, please elucidate to us all how you have come to your conclusion. I have recently looked on the Autism Research Center website, and they don't have a definitive definition either.

Yes. I am Bored and Irritated - by people like you who believe everybody needs saving yet do not dare to look internally and critique yourself as you do others. 

I would venture that if it was HIV, yes! ;-)

Neurodiversity is big business - everybody is on the spectrum. I wonder why there are no resources for people in genuine need.

I have read through your response a second time just now and thank you for responding misunderstandings or not as I do appreciate any feedback and constructive criticism i can get, I appreciate you taking the time to respond to me and having read through it again I can see that there are things in there to help me understand.

Also to that end - this forum isn't the only place I have come to for information and support to get further understanding, I am awaiting the library to receive delivery of books that I have sort out for research to be able to know what I should and shouldn't be doing because I care about this person whether as a partner or a friend. I honestly did not mean anything I care for this person. 

Hi Fiona,

i think perhaps I didn't explain myself or the situation correctly in my original post. 

There's absolutely no problem and I absolutely do accept him for who he is and I actually really adore him to be truly honest with you BUT in the process I have not probed, have taken him and enjoyed him as he is BUT in the mean time I (something I have not done in many, many years) let my walls down, went with the flow and did not prob, did not question and done what you said to only turn around and be blind sided, and hurt (close to heart broken tbh). 

I can see (as I didn't want to write too much & didn't explain everything I can understand why you miss understand my intensions and think that it's me who's wanting to move to fast but there's more to it) that there's been a miss understanding of my intention here - I care for this man very very much and I am just trying to understand, i only mentioned being a nurse and stuff saying I have a caring, compassionate and passionate nature certainly not at all trying to diagnose anyone - i think i've communicated incorrectly in my first post. Sorry.

Please note that I am now this far along with my thoughts and likeness, and caring for him so much because well yes I think the moment I met him yes I did think of him very fondly but since then like 5 weeks into meeting him he has taken me on a date and the same day took me to meet like 60-70% of his immediate family - we had a meal with his parents. I haven't come so far along in a short time on my own, so for me to car this much and want to be the if not partner but type of friend he needs, yes it seems soon my questions but considering he took me to meet his family 5 weeks in from meeting him - i'm not jumping the gun all that much but I hadn't previously mentioned that so again miss communication.

But that's ok Fiona - on the way home he didn't initiate anything physical and I back then already had thoughts he was possibly on the spectrum (which has never been a bad thing to me and like I said i find so cute and indearing those little things and admire he's wonderful traits) so I concerned if I made a move it could make him uncomfortable and we had, had such a wonderful day and i couldn't think of anyone else i'd want to have spent it with or other things i'd have wanted to do But I did not want to spoil the beautiful day or upset this gorgeous man so i didn't push anything.

BUT two days later I couldn't not tell him how I felt, so told him and despite having been on a date he completely initiated and him taking me to meet some of his parents, sisters, brother in law and some of his nieces etc - later that night after had text him how I felt he replied that he was not interested in a relationship atm.

And there are many things before that and even a couple things after that (actions) showing he wanted a relationship with me but then he's text said the opposite - which I completely respect his decision (I haven't even wanted to upset him or cause conflict - so didn't ask why he took me to do all that but now doesn't want a relationship) but we live in the same household and if he has too much going on and what he needs is a friend not a relationship well so be it but i just want to open up lines of communication /friendly so we're not uncomfortable etc at the very least is all. I absolutely meant nothing bad by my post I was just after some clarity and trying to do the right thing Fiona. Sorry if it came across as something else.

Please don't medicalise him. If he is diagnosed, he might be fed up with people analysing him. If he isn't diagnosed, healthcare professionals should not be diagnosing those they have or want a relationship with.

I'm 52, have been autistic all my life apparently, but was only diagnosed a few months ago.

Really, what does it matter? If he is autistic, he is being honest with you (we don't really know how to be neurotypically not quite honest). If he isn't autistic, I don't know if there are underlying motives.

Healthcare love slapping labels on everything, but if the person doesn't feel it is helpful for them, why would they seek it? The only reason I sought diagnosis is to protect myself from discrimination in the workplace as I have been bullied in pretty much every job I've had. 

The people I have had relationships with just had me to work with, not the label/diagnosis. I know I tend to rush too much, get too intense and trusting too quickly, then get burnt by the other person's different opinion of what 'honesty' is. When that trust is broken, I break off all contact. So there may be a reason, which he may or may not want to tell you.

If you had HIV, would you be telling him at this point in the relationship that you have HIV? In other words, is that an appropriate level of sharing for such a new relationship?

Just wondering, if you care, why are you probing so much? Try acceptance instead, let it be, and see what happens. He is the way he is because he is the way he is.