People saying things they don’t mean

It’s like people saying things like “calm down” meaning that “as far as we are concerned you do not understand that you are wrong, because we say so” 

Amerantin (former member) said:

I said I'd add her on Facebook. I'm not on Facebook. 

I really must say this also, I don’t do any social media stuff but what a great get out of jail card to have up your sleeve. 

I think it is part of the neurotypcial dance we cannot see. There is a language that is clerarly not spoken by people wiht Autism.

This is something that's always bothered me too about neurotypical people, I would never suggest something I didn't fully intend to do, it just gets confusing. Easy to say "Great to see you, take care!" or something if just want to keep it casual. I think they think it's polite, but to me it doesn't come across as polite to be disingenuous 

ah Normlish a difficult language spoken by norms where people don't say what they actually mean.

Normlish

I haven't seen you for ages = i don't really want to see you now but i'm being polite.

we should meet up for coffee = i'm trying to be polite but actually i'm trying to break off this conversation so i can get back to doing X

you see the pattern? its all small talk and social niceties. we could publish a Nomrlish dictionary for new users. sadly i cannot put my reply to most of these normlish comments and the mods would delete and ban me in an instant. lets just say the 3rd and 6th letter of the alphabet feature prominently

I often struggle to end conversations but I wouldn't say something I didn't mean. If I can't think of anything I just say I'm m off too .. or I must go now. They may not be very interesting but at least they are true. 

Absolutely!

I’d also they that is a particularly unhelpful convention as it requires blatant dishonesty.

Iain said:

There is no case being made for NTs or NDs being superior, but when a minority of society struggles with a convention that the overwhelming majority of society uses then I think it is in the minorities own interest to find a way to understand and accept the convention, however odd it may seem to us.

I am not saying that I don't accept this convention, it's just that many of us don't see the point in them. 

Glad you agree!

i just think its a formal word thing... a repeated phrase....  like the usual robotic "hello, how are you?" when they dont care how you are and they always ask how you are and they always get back "fine" and know thats all they will get back but still ask anyway when they know the response will just be "fine".

they dont care, its just a courtesy... a programme... a social script that without it they are lost, as lost as a autistic person themselves if they toss out their scripts or think on how pointless their social scripts are that they no longer have faith in using them or see a point in them 

I had noted your absence.

And I had noticed your return but failed to acknowledge it, for which I apologise.

Ben

Ben said:

and what a lot of bother that can cause!

Welcome back Ben

I had noted your absence.

Yes, I was thinking about that in relation to this thread.

I had a secretarial job interview once for the Anglican Cathedral and was asked 'what role do you think that the Church plays nowadays in ordinary lives' and my reply was 'I think it's irrelevant to most people except for births, deaths and marriages.

Needless to say, I didn't get the job.

We (autistics) are very straightforward and tend to say what we mean and mean what we say.

...... and what a lot of bother that can cause!

Ben

Ausomely Autistic said:

We are not ‘poor’ at understanding these conventions, it’s just that we question these conventions because we value authenticity and don’t see the point in superficial interactions

I think that’s it in a nutshell

Ausomely Autistic said:

I don’t think it’s helpful to view some people as superior just because of their position in society when actually we are all human.

There is no case being made for NTs or NDs being superior, but when a minority of society struggles with a convention that the overwhelming majority of society uses then I think it is in the minorities own interest to find a way to understand and accept the convention, however odd it may seem to us.

This is to find a way to reduce stress on us - heck some of us may not feel the colours of a traffic light are logical so each time we see one we feel a sense of frustration of why not use red, green and violet as logically spaced spectrum colours.

We could all do without stress and it is completely unrealistic to expect NTs to start making sense in the way we want so we are better off to understand them and accept their flawed ways.

More of a realits take on the situation than an idealists.

Iain said:

We as autists are particularly poor at understanding these conventions so it pays to learn about them. That was the point I was making to stop it confusing or upsetting others like us.

We are not ‘poor’ at understanding these conventions, it’s just that we question these conventions because we value authenticity and don’t see the point in superficial interactions. I am not suggesting that non autistics don’t value authenticity, it’s just our need for honesty and direct communication makes us question why these things exist in the first place.

Another key point to consider is that many neurotypical people (not neurodivergent) value social hierarchy whereas our autistic community (particularly PDAers) see everyone as equal. This is not to say that I don’t understand why social hierarchy exists (I do) it’s just that I don’t think it’s helpful to view some people as superior just because of their position in society when actually we are all human.

Iain said:

Do you question why people use a greeting like this and not just ignore one another? The logic of social conventions is abstract most of the time.

We as autists are particularly poor at understanding these conventions so it pays to learn about them.

Yes, it's very much to do with autistic and allistic styles of conversation.

We (autistics) are very straightforward and tend to say what we mean and mean what we say.

Iain said:

This is the neurotypical way - over 90% of the population are in this category so it is best to understand it and take such notifications from them with a big pinch of salt.

Yep!

Don’t know why people do this. It’s weird to say one thing but do another in my mind. Maybe because I take things literally. Sometimes people say these things but don’t really mean it. Will probably never get it. It’s just one of those grey areas that are hard for us autistic people to read.