Published on 12, July, 2020
I had my annual performance review at work this week. I had been concerned that I was under performing. I am in the maximum possible grade in a very complex and ridiculously highly paid job, but I’m only productive for a few hours per week and have felt vulnerable for a while now. But my boss told me that I am “exceptional” and that the executive leadership team have awarded me an exceptional pay rise as a result.
But I feel like I am barely functioning. I have no social network, no family. Today someone at work asked me why I was impersonating a T rex. I realised I was holding my arms and hands in a way I thought I only did when I’m alone.
I’m a complete mess but the people around me seem to think I’m thriving.
Life just seems like one big elaborate game. Nothing is real.
Am I the only person who feels like this?
you DO have the key.
An existence where one can only await ones' death inside a cage.
Yes, with immersive reality bodies.
as for your boss and your "exceptional performance", they are your supporting cast.
But here's the best part: You can rewrite the script when ever you like. it's yours.
Adult help is woeful everywhere. But could you find general groups to join which share your interests? High stress, I know but my very few friends have similar special interests to me. Or something like a walking group where you’re all doing something? There will be people out there.
Thanks Sparrow. Yes, I told my employers that I'm autistic but they sort of shrugged their shoulders and nothing changed, although to be fair I don't know what I'd ask them to do. My GP's only contribution to my mental health journey was to ask some unsubtle questions about whether I'm likely to harm myself and having decided that I'm not, sent me on my way. There doesn't appear to be any support for adult autistic people in my area.
I also think congratulations are in order - we’re very bad at acknowledging our strengths and you obviously have exceptional skills which are being recognised - despite all the difficulties. Have you investigated what local adult autism services/the mental health folk have to offer? It seems like you need some help with meeting sympathetic and like minded people. They will be out there. Do your employers know you’re autistic?
ahhh think that would be beyond my ability as coding is often complicated.
For the first half of my career I was a really really good software developer. I was fascinated by all things computer, easily picked up new skills and could easily hyper focus on my work making me very productive.
A consequence of this was that I kept being promoted to the point where I was too expensive to be allowed to just code so I became a solution architect then chief architect. In this job I work on bids for new contracts and customers, designing enterprise scale IT solutions, supported by a team of technical specialists and in competition with other tech companies.
I don’t enjoy this anything like as much as coding and I struggle to focus, but by some miracle I do seem to be quite effective at designing solutions that win contracts.
Counter intuitively, I think that the lowest functioning people fare better. They are like children, completely engrossed in their special interests and blissfully unaware of everything they are missing. That's the original meaning of the "autistic" word, from "autos" - "self". It literally means "person living in his own world".
Amerantin (former member) said:Life just seems like one big elaborate game. Nothing is real.
It depends what you mean by 'Life'
If you're talking about the social constructions of the workplace, then yes, that's absolutely what it is. Success/Failure is largely dependent on being able to 'play' that game; with the proviso that if you have a high enough value to your employer, generally economic, playing the game will matter less.
But from what you say you are successful in the workplace, whether you attach any importance to the 'game' of the workplace or not, so.... does it matter?
Yup, it's just the social structure we've built to add worth to otherwise meaningless lives. Read some Sartre if you haven't, books like Nausea and The Age of Reason take the existential angle of finding meaning in the mindless drudgery.
Camus' The Myth of Sisyphus is a good essay on this, too.
Unfortunately, with hard-right capitalism the lunacy of this daily routine continues to ramp up. People are too easily impressed by wealth and power, like most Americans believe they'll end up rich if they work hard enough. It's a delusion. Like religion - people latch on to it adds purpose to their lives. You either play along with this nonsense or don't.
im curious as to what your unique skills are that have you this big position. so that i can check if its compatible with my skill set and ability and whether i could somehow try to leverage myself into higher positions in my job by demonstrating it lol
Sadly true
Caelus said:ofcourse the normal entry level minimum wage worker is busting their ass more than anyone in any company on the planet and never getting recognised for it. its pretty sad
I know I have certain unique skills that generate a lot of money for my employer and keep other people employed, but there is so much truth in this. I am not working hard. About 80% of the time I’m just staring into space and I do feel guilty about how my reward compares to people working really hard in low paid jobs.
But I did tell one coworker who was complaining to me about his salary (a very good salary by any normal measure), that he was rich beyond measure as far as I’m concerned, because he has a wife and children who he loves and a circle of friends and extended family around him.
All the money in the world doesn’t help much when you’re sat alone in a quiet house.
thing is the highest positions are used to doing nothing, so if you do something you are already doing more than anyone from lowly supervisor ranks upwards. remember you are compared to others and others stop doing any work as soon as they hit supervisor lol or even one below that... and that is the lowest rung of promotion, that is like 1st or 2nd level promotion from the bare bottom minimum wage entry job... and thats when work cuts off and people do nothing and get paid... so if you do anything, you are doing more than anyone else in a high position. ofcourse the normal entry level minimum wage worker is busting their ass more than anyone in any company on the planet and never getting recognised for it. its pretty sad.
Think about this: probably the normie guy with IQ 85 and a minimum wage job has a more fulfilling life than any of us.
Aborting us would have been an act of mercy
I know I’m incredibly lucky in terms of money and my job. Probably close to top 1% of the whole population not just autists.
But socially I am well inside the bottom 0.5% even compared to autists. I’d happily trade some of my career success to have people to share that success with.
I don’t think my colleague was being nasty, they just wondered why the heck I was standing like that. But I realised I had unconsciously unmasked in public and felt terribly stupid.
I feel more like an extra
Yes, we should all provide regular reassurance and feedback to our coworkers.