Published on 12, July, 2020
I had my annual performance review at work this week. I had been concerned that I was under performing. I am in the maximum possible grade in a very complex and ridiculously highly paid job, but I’m only productive for a few hours per week and have felt vulnerable for a while now. But my boss told me that I am “exceptional” and that the executive leadership team have awarded me an exceptional pay rise as a result.
But I feel like I am barely functioning. I have no social network, no family. Today someone at work asked me why I was impersonating a T rex. I realised I was holding my arms and hands in a way I thought I only did when I’m alone.
I’m a complete mess but the people around me seem to think I’m thriving.
Life just seems like one big elaborate game. Nothing is real.
Am I the only person who feels like this?
Definitely not the only one who feels like that!
I often feel like life is just this big play where we're all characters having to act out these different parts each day.
Congrats on doing so well at work.....so impressive considering the challenges you're facing. Shows how strong you are and how well you are doing.
You should be really proud of yourself!
I hope the comment from your colleague wasn't meant in a horrible way....it sounds like they were making a joke?
I think you're right. We have so much to focus on and process in our heads we don't realise what we're doing and that other people are watching.
I'm constantly feeling like time is frozen when I'm trying to think and process.
I don’t think my colleague was being nasty, they just wondered why the heck I was standing like that. But I realised I had unconsciously unmasked in public and felt terribly stupid.