Published on 12, July, 2020
I had my annual performance review at work this week. I had been concerned that I was under performing. I am in the maximum possible grade in a very complex and ridiculously highly paid job, but I’m only productive for a few hours per week and have felt vulnerable for a while now. But my boss told me that I am “exceptional” and that the executive leadership team have awarded me an exceptional pay rise as a result.
But I feel like I am barely functioning. I have no social network, no family. Today someone at work asked me why I was impersonating a T rex. I realised I was holding my arms and hands in a way I thought I only did when I’m alone.
I’m a complete mess but the people around me seem to think I’m thriving.
Life just seems like one big elaborate game. Nothing is real.
Am I the only person who feels like this?
Amerantin (former member) said:Life just seems like one big elaborate game. Nothing is real.
Yeah, like one of those elaborate court dances where everyone has a precise set of movements to perform, with the perfect timing. Everybody knows the script, except 'spergs. We can memorize the steps and pretend to know, but for every sane and normal people that's just instinct. They look at us and they think: "Why he is not following the script? Everyone knows the script! Is he r-word? Why he is making fun of us? Maybe he thinks that he's better than us. Let's beat him up so he learns some respect!"
Count your blessings: with a secure, high paying job you are part of the top 0.5% of the 'spergs. It's only a matter of blind luck if we did not end up like Chris-Chan.
Life is a Movie, and we're a Director.
Definitely not the only one who feels like that!
I often feel like life is just this big play where we're all characters having to act out these different parts each day.
Congrats on doing so well at work.....so impressive considering the challenges you're facing. Shows how strong you are and how well you are doing.
You should be really proud of yourself!
I hope the comment from your colleague wasn't meant in a horrible way....it sounds like they were making a joke?
I think you're right. We have so much to focus on and process in our heads we don't realise what we're doing and that other people are watching.
I'm constantly feeling like time is frozen when I'm trying to think and process.
I've been in similar situations. I think people need more, regular small praise. Than less frequent acknowledgement. I don't know if I'm doing well until someone tells me. Without a point of reference, I can't possibly know. And once per year is simply insufficient.
Maybe your personal standard of "under performance" is actually other people's standard of "high achiever." Don't put yourself down over the amount of work that you produce for the company. Compared to other people, your output of work has been exceptional and was noticed and rewarded. At least they are acknowledging the work you do. Some employers never acknowledge the hard work that their employees do, so at least you have a good source of income for the amount of work you're doing.
But that kind of success probably doesn't matter to you as much to you as having a social network of people who are close to you in your life, and you feel like you're missing having friends and family, and supportive people in your life.
But you know, I think that having success in your career attracts people to you, since they know you and admire you for your work. Hopefully you'll take this as an opportunity to make connections with others. It's a lot easier having people approach you because they like who you are and what you do, rather than you having to approach others and trying to convince them that you're worth something as a human being.
Thanks Tulip.
I wasn’t boasting. The opposite. I am struggling terribly but nobody seems to notice.
Maybe we’re so focussed on what’s happening inside our own heads that we don’t realise how other people see us.
Well congratulations on your achievements. Sounds like you dint know how good you are. I seem to make an impression on people that i meet and it suprises me, because my head is a mess and i lack confidence.