Published on 12, July, 2020
I had my annual performance review at work this week. I had been concerned that I was under performing. I am in the maximum possible grade in a very complex and ridiculously highly paid job, but I’m only productive for a few hours per week and have felt vulnerable for a while now. But my boss told me that I am “exceptional” and that the executive leadership team have awarded me an exceptional pay rise as a result.
But I feel like I am barely functioning. I have no social network, no family. Today someone at work asked me why I was impersonating a T rex. I realised I was holding my arms and hands in a way I thought I only did when I’m alone.
I’m a complete mess but the people around me seem to think I’m thriving.
Life just seems like one big elaborate game. Nothing is real.
Am I the only person who feels like this?
Amerantin (former member) said:Life just seems like one big elaborate game. Nothing is real.
Yup, it's just the social structure we've built to add worth to otherwise meaningless lives. Read some Sartre if you haven't, books like Nausea and The Age of Reason take the existential angle of finding meaning in the mindless drudgery.
Camus' The Myth of Sisyphus is a good essay on this, too.
Unfortunately, with hard-right capitalism the lunacy of this daily routine continues to ramp up. People are too easily impressed by wealth and power, like most Americans believe they'll end up rich if they work hard enough. It's a delusion. Like religion - people latch on to it adds purpose to their lives. You either play along with this nonsense or don't.