Is life an elaborate play

you DO have the key.

An existence where one can only await ones' death inside a cage.

Yes, with immersive reality bodies.

as for your boss and your "exceptional performance", they are your supporting cast.

But here's the best part: You can rewrite the script when ever you like. it's yours.

Adult help is woeful everywhere. But could you find general groups to join which share your interests? High stress, I know but my very few friends have similar special interests to me. Or something like a walking group where you’re all doing something? There will be people out there. 

Thanks Sparrow. Yes, I told my employers that I'm autistic but they sort of shrugged their shoulders and nothing changed, although to be fair I don't know what I'd ask them to do. My GP's only contribution to my mental health journey was to ask some unsubtle questions about whether I'm likely to harm myself and having decided that I'm not, sent me on my way. There doesn't appear to be any support for adult autistic people in my area.

I also think congratulations are in order - we’re very bad at acknowledging our strengths and you obviously have exceptional skills which are being recognised - despite all the difficulties. 
Have you investigated what local adult autism services/the mental health folk have to offer? It seems like you need some help with meeting sympathetic and like minded people. They will be out there. 
Do your employers know you’re autistic? 

ahhh think that would be beyond my ability as coding is often complicated.

For the first half of my career I was a really really good software developer. I was fascinated by all things computer, easily picked up new skills and could easily hyper focus on my work making me very productive.

A consequence of this was that I kept being promoted to the point where I was too expensive to be allowed to just code so I became a solution architect then chief architect. In this job I work on bids for new contracts and customers, designing enterprise scale IT solutions, supported by a team of technical specialists and in competition with other tech companies.

I don’t enjoy this anything like as much as coding and I struggle to focus, but by some miracle I do seem to be quite effective at designing solutions that win contracts.

Deleted User said:

Life just seems like one big elaborate game. Nothing is real.

It depends what you mean by 'Life'

If you're talking about the social constructions of the workplace, then yes, that's absolutely what it is. Success/Failure is largely dependent on being able to 'play' that game; with the proviso that if you have a high enough value to your employer, generally economic, playing the game will matter less. 

But from what you say you are successful in the workplace, whether you attach any importance to the 'game' of the workplace or not, so.... does it matter? 

im curious as to what your unique skills are that have you this big position. so that i can check if its compatible with my skill set and ability and whether i could somehow try to leverage myself into higher positions in my job by demonstrating it lol

Caelus said:

ofcourse the normal entry level minimum wage worker is busting their ass more than anyone in any company on the planet and never getting recognised for it. its pretty sad

I know I have certain unique skills that generate a lot of money for my employer and keep other people employed, but there is so much truth in this. I am not working hard. About 80% of the time I’m just staring into space and I do feel guilty about how my reward compares to people working really hard in low paid jobs.

But I did tell one coworker who was complaining to me about his salary (a very good salary by any normal measure), that he was rich beyond measure as far as I’m concerned, because he has a wife and children who he loves and a circle of friends and extended family around him.

All the money in the world doesn’t help much when you’re sat alone in a quiet house.

thing is the highest positions are used to doing nothing, so if you do something you are already doing more than anyone from lowly supervisor ranks upwards. remember you are compared to others and others stop doing any work as soon as they hit supervisor lol or even one below that... and that is the lowest rung of promotion, that is like 1st or 2nd level promotion from the bare bottom minimum wage entry job... and thats when work cuts off and people do nothing and get paid... so if you do anything, you are doing more than anyone else in a high position. ofcourse the normal entry level minimum wage worker is busting their ass more than anyone in any company on the planet and never getting recognised for it. its pretty sad.

I don’t think my colleague was being nasty, they just wondered why the heck I was standing like that. But I realised I had unconsciously unmasked in public and felt terribly stupid.

I feel more like an extra

Yes, we should all provide regular reassurance and feedback to our coworkers.

Life is a Movie, and we're a Director.

Definitely not the only one who feels like that! 

I often feel like life is just this big play where we're all characters having to act out these different parts each day.

Congrats on doing so well at work.....so impressive considering the challenges you're facing. Shows how strong you are and how well you are doing.

You should be really proud of yourself! 

I hope the comment from your colleague wasn't meant in a horrible way....it sounds like they were making a joke?

I think you're right. We have so much to focus on and process in our heads we don't realise what we're doing and that other people are watching.

I'm constantly feeling like time is frozen when I'm trying to think and process.

I've been in similar situations. I think people need more, regular small praise. Than less frequent acknowledgement. I don't know if I'm doing well until someone tells me. Without a point of reference, I can't possibly know. And once per year is simply insufficient.

Maybe your personal standard of "under performance" is actually other people's standard of "high achiever." Don't put yourself down over the amount of work that you produce for the company. Compared to other people, your output of work has been exceptional and was noticed and rewarded. At least they are acknowledging the work you do. Some employers never acknowledge the hard work that their employees do, so at least you have a good source of income for the amount of work you're doing. 

But that kind of success probably doesn't matter to you as much to you as having a social network of people who are close to you in your life, and you feel like you're missing having friends and family, and supportive people in your life. 

But you know, I think that having success in your career attracts people to you, since they know you and admire you for your work. Hopefully you'll take this as an opportunity to make  connections with others. It's a lot easier having people approach you because they like who you are and what you do, rather than you having to approach others and trying to convince them that you're worth something as a human being. 

Thanks Tulip.

I wasn’t boasting. The opposite. I am struggling terribly but nobody seems to notice.

Maybe we’re so focussed on what’s happening inside our own heads that we don’t realise how other people see us.