Published on 12, July, 2020
I had my annual performance review at work this week. I had been concerned that I was under performing. I am in the maximum possible grade in a very complex and ridiculously highly paid job, but I’m only productive for a few hours per week and have felt vulnerable for a while now. But my boss told me that I am “exceptional” and that the executive leadership team have awarded me an exceptional pay rise as a result.
But I feel like I am barely functioning. I have no social network, no family. Today someone at work asked me why I was impersonating a T rex. I realised I was holding my arms and hands in a way I thought I only did when I’m alone.
I’m a complete mess but the people around me seem to think I’m thriving.
Life just seems like one big elaborate game. Nothing is real.
Am I the only person who feels like this?
I also think congratulations are in order - we’re very bad at acknowledging our strengths and you obviously have exceptional skills which are being recognised - despite all the difficulties. Have you investigated what local adult autism services/the mental health folk have to offer? It seems like you need some help with meeting sympathetic and like minded people. They will be out there. Do your employers know you’re autistic?
Thanks Sparrow. Yes, I told my employers that I'm autistic but they sort of shrugged their shoulders and nothing changed, although to be fair I don't know what I'd ask them to do. My GP's only contribution to my mental health journey was to ask some unsubtle questions about whether I'm likely to harm myself and having decided that I'm not, sent me on my way. There doesn't appear to be any support for adult autistic people in my area.