Grief

Yes I think I truly understand this feeling.

When my mother died 5 years ago, it seemed impossible, even though I knew she had a terminal illness. I lived with her for the last few months of her life, because nobody else could or would, although I was in quite early stages of recovery from an accident which left me impaired in several ways. Looking after her was bizarre, because of those things. 

For the last 3 weeks or so, she was in a hospice, which in some ways I quite enjoyed. She was a demanding person and I wasn't really up to it, it was nice as well as weird, and sad, to be alone. 

Then she died, 2 months after her birthday. 

Towards the end of her life, she'd bought all sorts of things, holding on to the idea that she would somehow recover and continue with her life. That was all very odd - there were all kinds of things - a new sofa, a mobility scooter, a washer-dryer. All in the shed. 

She also bought a little spaniel puppy, 5 months old when she died. I thought, now what? 

Was I going to stay there, in what had once been my childhood home? Actually I assumed that the house would be sold, one way or another, so it was hard to make plans. I wasn't fit to work and had nowhere else to live.

I think it was a strange and difficult time. I don't know what I felt, overwhelmed mostly, with all that there was to deal with.

To cut a long story short, as they say, I'm still here, the dog is 5, and I now have a job nearby.

My mum dying changed my life in many ways. It brought me home, above all else. There are so many memories here, that in a way, she's still with me. 

My mum's death was the only passing which hit me, personally. After that, I was prescribed Citalopram. I believe that it exacerbated my anxiety.

We all experience grief different and in our own way

There's no right or wrong way - you do it in your own time your way. 

I've lost people close to me and I always feel numb and not really sure how I should feel or react. It hits home hard later and then I never stop missing the person who passed away

And can't get them off my mind.

I'm sorry for your loss x

I get that too. In this case it was all at one time which was horrible. I did something stupid which was the catalyst so to speak, but it doesn't make it any easier.

I have lost so many friends too, although I’m not sure they really were friends.

The main feeling I’ve always been left with is confusion with a small tinge of hurt, because I never know why they stopped being my friends.

I haven't lost anyone who has passed away but I have friends I've lost from my life which I consider a form of grief.

I've been really numb to it. I feel sad but I haven't allowed myself to really feel and express it, and I do find myself feeling a lot more techy and frustrated than normal.

Thank you. That link is helpful 

I’m sorry to hear that Peter. I hope you’re finding things easier now.

i spent most of my life fearing that I would collapse in a heap when this happened so I can empathise.

When my mother died I felt completely overwhelmed and unable to function for well for lots of different things.

I became very needy and attention seeking. I always wanted other people’s time and company. I couldn’t sleep until I was exhausted, I would fall asleep on the sofa every night and wake up with a DVD back on the title menu. I definitely felt sadness and grief I just didn’t always know how to express it. Or maybe I felt I didn’t have a safe place to express it.

at that point in time I just need The world to stop, just stop expecting anything of me, demanding anything of me. of course this didn’t last forever

Everyone experiences and processes grief differently. Being ND just adds another layer. If you have alexithymia those feelings maybe there but you don't recognise them let alone how to begin to process them.

I find "friends" and family challenging, they just "feel" like people I know well and that I'm relatively comfortable with.  It's seems wrong as society seems to say that your supposed to actively care and show emotions.

Give yourself time.

I have lost a few family members and my emotional response has been different for each.

However, my response to my mother's death was similar to what you describe. 

I don't have Alexithymia.

This site talks about how a bereavement might affect an autistic person here:

https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/mental-health/bereavement/professionals

Also, is there a 'normal' with regard to grieving?

My condolences. 

Amerantin (former member) said:

have any of you found that you don’t grieve normally?

Same here - there is a common issue for autists where they do not connect well to their emotions resulting in us seeming neutral almost all the time with the occasional bout of anger or fear which are much more accessible emotions at a primal level.

The condition is called Alexithymia and is worth reading up on as you are far from alone in this.

Note that with it being a spectrum condition then we experience degrees of this so no two autists will be identical.