Published on 12, July, 2020
This is a bit of a heavy question, but have any of you found that you don’t grieve normally?
My dad died of Covid at the height of the delta wave, a week before the vaccinations started. Everyone around me was upset, crying at the funeral etc but I felt nothing at all and have never grieved. For me he was there and now he isn’t. The only thing I feel is disappointment in myself for not being more upset.
But I have since read that autistic people may not experience grief in the same way as neurotypicals. I can’t help likening it to the way I forget to speak to family and friends for months at a time. If people aren’t physically in front of me I don’t really think about them very much.
Ironically, I’m 100% certain that my dad was autistic too. He was a remarkably unsentimental man who would probably be irritated that I worry about this.
When my mother died 5 years ago, it seemed impossible, even though I knew she had a terminal illness. I lived with her for the last few months of her life, because nobody else could or would, although I was in quite early stages of recovery from an accident which left me impaired in several ways. Looking after her was bizarre, because of those things.
For the last 3 weeks or so, she was in a hospice, which in some ways I quite enjoyed. She was a demanding person and I wasn't really up to it, it was nice as well as weird, and sad, to be alone.
Then she died, 2 months after her birthday.
Towards the end of her life, she'd bought all sorts of things, holding on to the idea that she would somehow recover and continue with her life. That was all very odd - there were all kinds of things - a new sofa, a mobility scooter, a washer-dryer. All in the shed.
She also bought a little spaniel puppy, 5 months old when she died. I thought, now what?
Was I going to stay there, in what had once been my childhood home? Actually I assumed that the house would be sold, one way or another, so it was hard to make plans. I wasn't fit to work and had nowhere else to live.
I think it was a strange and difficult time. I don't know what I felt, overwhelmed mostly, with all that there was to deal with.
To cut a long story short, as they say, I'm still here, the dog is 5, and I now have a job nearby.
My mum dying changed my life in many ways. It brought me home, above all else. There are so many memories here, that in a way, she's still with me.
Yes I think I truly understand this feeling.