I just want it all to end, but I am also scared of dying. Feeling trapped

I didn't spot your reply until now (I clearly don't monitor it all diligently enough  ) . I've had a go at ringing Samaritans in my past and gone to their offices in person a few times too. I'm glad I tried it but am more attracted to trying the chat or email way of communicating with them perhaps, in the future. I remember first trying ringing Samaritans in the late 1990s so there was no chat or maybe not even email option in those days.

I think it's a perfectly rational fear. The undiscovered country and all that. Some have it (the fear), some don't. Those with a strong faith might more often fall into the latter category, but not always. 

NAS80873 please hang in there. It's hard to see the point of anything sometimes, but that can and does change and you'll be so glad to look back from that vantage point at a drastic measure *not* taken. I hope. Wishing you well...

Hi NAS80873 I am so, so sorry to hear you are feeling this way. I have been there before - you just feel like giving up. I know it might not mean much coming from me - a stranger, but I really really want you to stay. 

Life is so incredibly hard, but there are pockets of beauty. Seeing the beauty in nature is my solace personally. And animals. They are so pure. 

Please keep writing to us everyone is here to offer support.  

I don't have any answers, just empathy. I have often felt like this myself. I agree with everyone else here: you are going through a major life change which would be hard for anyone, let alone an autistic. You need to give yourself time to adjust before you make any irreversible decisions. And please don't cut yourself off from your friends unnecessarily!

Are you open to talking therapy? I found it can be helpful to process feelings at times of crisis, even though the start of therapy can be hard for an autistic.

Things can get better. I was single almost all my life too, but I got married earlier this year, two months short of my fortieth birthday. It can happen. Please be kind to yourself. The negative thoughts are just that -- thoughts. They don't reflect reality.

Hey Allyboo, good to hear from you, it's tough-going isn't it. I don't know about anyone else, but on the occasions I've contacted Samaritans when I've been at crisis point I've had really weird interactions, (on chat, or by email as I can't speak on the phone). The emails were these weird garbled mish mashes of pre-done scripts like they'd been run through a bot? It put me off contacting em after that. It just made me feel more worthless like I wasn't even worth a sensible response! Maybe other people have had a better experience?

Dear NAS80873

I’m sorry you are going through such a tough time, it’s good that you’ve let us know what’s happening/how you feel. Many people have similar thoughts when coping with so much and we hope you’re okay.  

If you are unable to cope with the distress or despair, it’s very important to tell someone about your feelings or thoughts of suicide. Call your GP and make an urgent appointment. Your GP can make sure you get appropriate help and support. 

If it’s outside your GP hours call 111 to reach the NHS 111 service: 

https://www.nhs.uk/nhs-services/urgent-and-emergency-care-services/when-to-use-111/ 

The Samaritans also provide confidential non-judgemental emotional support, 24 hours a day on 116 123, or by email on jo@samaritans.org. 

MIND have information pages on coping with self harm or suicidal feelings based on the experiences of people who’ve been through it that you may find helpful.  

If you are very close to doing something to hurt yourself - call 999 now or go to your nearest A&E department. There should be someone there to support you and make sure you get ongoing support. 

You can find more information here: 

https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/mental-health/suicide 

Kind Regards,

Rosie Mod

I agree, I'm in a similar state/position too.

Thank you for replying. I can empathise with that. For years I worried where I was going to live long term because I was renting privately and unemployed. I would also like to find love although I don’t know whether I would be able to cope with living with someone.

If you have just been made redundant won’t you get a redundancy payment? It won’t last forever but should give you a temporary breathing space.

You say you have been single most of your life. Does this mean you have been in a relationship at least once?

You're feeling overwhelmed right now. I know it's easier said than done,but try to be cautious about making assumptions about your friends. I doubt they would be happy about your distress or soon forget you if you left them, it's likely the opposite - they'd more than likely be distraught and wishing you'd let them know. Perhaps try letting someone know how you're feeling. 

I've thought about suicide many thousands of times, but I'm also terrified of a botched attempt and where that could lead, and petrified of dying itself. I try to remember that something just might, might, be ever so slightly different tomorrow, so try to hold on.

Very few people have no money worries, and it's never too late to find love! Being pretty and intelligent are two great attributes that can definitely help in that direction! Hang in there.

Hello 80873, I am Number.

I know VERY clearly what you speak of.  You write with a very resonant tone.  It reminds me VERY precisely how I was feeling at 45.  The self loathing was all consuming.

God - it is frigging horrible.  It is SO SO tough.

Many of us here know what you speak of because we have travelled through it.  Forgive the phrase.....but it REALLY SUCKS A SS !!

Perhaps the important thing for you to note, is that many of us here are still here.....years and decades past those nearly unbearable times.....and we are much happier because we have "realised" a way that we can make things work either a) bearably or b) better.

Stick with it sister.  Message me anytime.

With great warmth and attempted reassurance,

Number.

no money worries and finding love

You state that you have tried to get away from that company for years and failed. Now you have been made redundant it has forced upon you that change that so many autists dread. It doesn't have to be a bad thing and could well be an opportunity for positive change. Especially if that job was making you so unhappy you had to rely on meds to get through it.

Being single doesn't have to be a negative thing either. I have been eternally single and it comes with a freedom to live your life exactly how you want to. 

Please don't give up. If your diagnosis is recent you may have hit a dip on the post diagnosis emotional rollercoaster. I've been there and it does get better, even though you can't see that at the time.

You have recently reduced your medication and you have been made redundant. These are 2 big changed. You may well be experiencing some withdrawal symptoms from reducing your meds.  I learnt llater in life that those feelings pass. I didnt realise it when i was younger and i would be so overwhelmed with sadness and anxiety. But it passes. I have learnt to accept that this is how i am feeling today and hope for a better day ttomorrow.x

What would make your life better?

Life is especially hard in these times we are in, and complicated. You are right, it is unfair, very unfair. Life does suck and is a constant struggle especially being incompatible with the world out there. I totally understand your pain. Feeling trapped in the wrong circumstances is one of the worst things, it feels like you are suffocating, it's the same for me. I have self-loathing every day and am screaming inside much of the time.

You have reached out to us, please don't do anything hasty, we are here for you.

Medicating or drugging myself won't make my life any better. And I am on meds, I reduced them though. It won't make a difference. I tried to get away from that company for years and failed, even on a much higher dose of meds. I reduced them before I've been made redundant. I have been single most of my life on higher doses of meds too. Can't see how that would make a difference. 

Hi, my son suffers from depression and it's awful. Have you seen a doctor or psychiatrist? Please keep going.