Not caring about what other people think

I THINK it's because we hit the uber competitive time in human life, where you literally have to struggle to get established in direct competition with everyone else, and we simply don't do well in that sort of environment.

I noticed that the twenties to thirties period was where a lot of my beautiful, idealistic friends simply died inside and became focussed entirely on moving bits of paper about, for the benefit of the banking class, and collecting (and regularly replacing) new objects.

There was a very real sensation of losing touch with a lot of people, as they simply were not interested in "wasting time" with the likes of me during that period. 

It seemed like they all entered lives of resentful servitude disguised as empowerment, both at the time and indeed, still on current observation.

Although it's been hard, I now thank my Autism for preventing me form being fully "assimilated" even though I tried at the time...

Yeah, I don't think I ever found my feet and I don't know if I will. I'm only just getting round to processing it and a horrible thing had to happen first.

It's weird because I feel like a child with the amount of help I need but I used to think I was more grown up than my peers at 16/17 at sixth form because I was just knuckling down and working (and struggling!).

HMO said:

I'm 26 but I feel older and younger at the same time.

HMO said:

I want to go back to how I was prior to my teenage years. I've internalised a lot of not very nice things.

It's a funny coincidence I Sperg said something about his twenties being not very pleasant just the other day and I thought, odd, that was me too. But then I realised it's probably a very common experience for us autistic folk actually because we have extra issues on top of the other things I think it contributes to us struggling to find our feet in the adult world that bit longer than most neurotypicals.

Yeah, I shifted towards that in recent years but I didn't take it seriously enough. As a result I was subconsciously ruining my friendships. 

I wanted to be everyone's friend, as a kid, and became expendable.

However, I now focus on quality of connections; not quantity. I do know what's going on locally, but don't spread it out; in public.

I used to think that too, and therefore would completely dismiss compliments. It's only now that I realise how that must have made the other person feel, realising that their compliment was completely genuine given how they went out of their way to pay it.

We can be too trusting though which doesn't help.

I think I know what you mean. Sadly experience has taught me that there is often an ulterior motive when people are nice to you (or not) (eg. they want something from you, would be in trouble if not etc). I usually just believe in the best in people but I've been used more than once. I know it's impossible to know what others are thinking. It's not easy at the moment as I am in a new working environment and I am constantly being told how inadequate and slow and not social enough etc I am... 

You are "distressing yourself with imaginings" We all are our own worst enemies in this regard with our feeble attemtpts to second guess what others are thinking. No one can teach you strength of conviction. You learn to develope it through your own experiences of life as to the realities of what is truly important and what is not.

I used to force myself into conversations in social settings (school, work etc) and it just wouldn't work. The more I'd chase something, the more it'd just bite me on the *** and I'd realise that I'm not welcome.

Even though I felt that everyone hated me, I realised that until the last few months, most of the people I was surrounded by were indifferent more than anything. However, now I realise that almost everyone I know actively dislikes me. I did something really stupid and I lost every friend I ever had.

I managed to make some solid friendships but I ruined them. I was almost self-destructing because I felt that I didn't deserve them, but I didn't realise that I didn't actually want to lose them. I just wanted things to make sense in my head.

I've learnt to take my foot off the gas occasionally, and really value those people who seem to actively want to talk to me.

HMO said:

Yep I'm the same. Tried all sorts to fit in and nothing really worked.

Same. I spent so much time to try and fit in and be perfect for everyone else, it got me nowhere in the end, I became an absolute mess.

I was used by people, bullied and my life spiralled into a depressive episode which I've never been able to escape since. It's made me more anxious if people and I try to avoid them and the outdoors now.

Friendships aren't something I really understand. I try to but I've no idea how to communicate with people properly without feeling self conscious and extremely anxious.

If all communicating was online like this, there wouldn't be a problem. I find interacting at work with colleagues very anxious and awkward.

Ear defenders. I couldn't care less what people think of me unless they're yelling it at me in the street. Ear defenders, used in combinations with earphones and music, block a lot of that.

Transitioning also reduced the yelling a lot, from several times a day to a couple of times a month since I started to get some facial hair coming in.

Yep I'm the same. Tried all sorts to fit in and nothing really worked.

I think a lot of that baggage I had affected my friendships quite badly. I self destructed there and I didn't reach out for support either.

I have probably become more anxious in the last few months. 

Yeah I've definitely catastrophised and cared too much about things which, in hindsight, I felt was wasted energy.

It's really important to me that people don't think I'm a bad person to the point I tie myself up in knots over it.

I did have a big event in my life 4 months ago which shifted things. Some things I used to care about, I don't really anymore. Although...

battybats said:

These days, if someone doesn't like me, that's a problem for them, not for me.

I've been good at this sometimes and bad others.

If they dislike me in silence (and don't feel the need to tell me or show me), then it's fine.

If they're going to go out of their way to be horrible (like an awful lot of them are), then I can't let that slide.

HMO said:

It's weird. I don't care what people think about my (somewhat uncool) interests but I do care what they think about my appearance and personality.

I understand where you're coming from. I never minded people thinking I'm weird, but I don't want them to think I'm a bad person. There are some things where it's important to care what people think, because it makes you more considerate, but it can be hard not to care about things that don't matter so much.

What sorted it for me was a combination of good therapy (which it sounds like you have) and... turning thirty. I'd always heard that you care less about what people think of you as you get older- I didn't realise it was going to change so significantly for me not long after a milestone birthday! It's very freeing though. These days, if someone doesn't like me, that's a problem for them, not for me.

As a child I didn't give much thought to what other kids thought about me. I had my mum and my older sister and they both thought I was number 1, and my sister said if I knew I was number 1 then no one else could take that away from me. It stuck with me, right up until middle school.

Suddenly I started caring when the other kids were horrible to me. It hurt when girls laughed at my hair and what I was wearing. I started to try and copy the "popular" girls and I hated myself, I became so self conscious and self destructive.

I'm still shy after all this. I'm very self conscious and I don't mix with people if I can help it because it causes me a lot of unwanted anxiety.

I think back a lot to my childhood that was mostly carefree and fun. Looking back is something I do a lot and I know, if I could I would go back to then in a heartbeat.

Yeah, it seems that I became so much more aware of myself when I was about 12/13 and thus more self conscious and aware of my differences.

I think I care a lot less than I did when I was a teenager to the point I didn't wear my glasses full time until 3 years later, but deep down there's still a fear of judgement.

Your experience seems to mirror mine pretty much. I try and tell myself that it doesn't matter but it doesn't make a difference.

I used to not care what people thought as a child which was very healthy. My mum taught me to be proud of being different. Sadly that didn’t last. I think it was school, the other kids could tell I was different and it got pointed out. I was picked on etc. And as I grew older it just became more apparent to me how different I was- different interests , not much common ground, no friends because I just hadn’t met anyone likeminded. I am now very concerned about what people think about me - especially also with respect to my studies and work. And it is so stressful because I am so bad at reading people. It’s hard. I wish I didn’t care - then maybe I wouldn’t feel so inadequate and wouldn’t let people’s comments get to me