Published on 12, July, 2020
What has helped you?
Age? I'm 26 but I feel older and younger at the same time.
I want to go back to how I was prior to my teenage years. I've internalised a lot of not very nice things. I'm working through it in therapy.
It's weird. I don't care what people think about my (somewhat uncool) interests but I do care what they think about my appearance and personality.
I do want people to like me but I will admit to taking that and running a mile.
As a child I didn't give much thought to what other kids thought about me. I had my mum and my older sister and they both thought I was number 1, and my sister said if I knew I was number 1 then no one else could take that away from me. It stuck with me, right up until middle school.
Suddenly I started caring when the other kids were horrible to me. It hurt when girls laughed at my hair and what I was wearing. I started to try and copy the "popular" girls and I hated myself, I became so self conscious and self destructive.
I'm still shy after all this. I'm very self conscious and I don't mix with people if I can help it because it causes me a lot of unwanted anxiety.
I think back a lot to my childhood that was mostly carefree and fun. Looking back is something I do a lot and I know, if I could I would go back to then in a heartbeat.
Yep I'm the same. Tried all sorts to fit in and nothing really worked.
I think a lot of that baggage I had affected my friendships quite badly. I self destructed there and I didn't reach out for support either.
I have probably become more anxious in the last few months.
I used to force myself into conversations in social settings (school, work etc) and it just wouldn't work. The more I'd chase something, the more it'd just bite me on the *** and I'd realise that I'm not welcome.
Even though I felt that everyone hated me, I realised that until the last few months, most of the people I was surrounded by were indifferent more than anything. However, now I realise that almost everyone I know actively dislikes me. I did something really stupid and I lost every friend I ever had.
I managed to make some solid friendships but I ruined them. I was almost self-destructing because I felt that I didn't deserve them, but I didn't realise that I didn't actually want to lose them. I just wanted things to make sense in my head.
I've learnt to take my foot off the gas occasionally, and really value those people who seem to actively want to talk to me.
HMO said:Yep I'm the same. Tried all sorts to fit in and nothing really worked.
Same. I spent so much time to try and fit in and be perfect for everyone else, it got me nowhere in the end, I became an absolute mess.
I was used by people, bullied and my life spiralled into a depressive episode which I've never been able to escape since. It's made me more anxious if people and I try to avoid them and the outdoors now.
Friendships aren't something I really understand. I try to but I've no idea how to communicate with people properly without feeling self conscious and extremely anxious.
If all communicating was online like this, there wouldn't be a problem. I find interacting at work with colleagues very anxious and awkward.