Washing - why so hard?

Thanks, I think?

Brave question.
If you live alone you only have to answer to yourself.
There is nobody there to judge you.
You have just posted probably the most honest post i have ever seen on here.
A true spirit.

Update: I just had a big tidy up in my flat, changed 2/3 of my bed (the cleaner will do the last bit that I really struggle with), took a shower, cut my nails and put on fresh clothes. 

I feel so good, and it feels great that I've done this on a Sunday so I am starting the week fresh. 

For anyone struggling to do it - I bribed myself two ways: 1. I put on my favourite podcast and said I can only listen to it while I'm cleaning and tidying and 2. I said to myself I can't eat until It's done. 

I relate to your comments very well. I can see no logical reason why we 'should' follow societal norms for the frequency of washing/laundry/changing bedding etc. If what works for you isn't bothering anyone then there is no need for you to feel you need to function better.

For me it is largely sensory in nature. I cannot tolerate showers and absolutely hate the sensation of water falling on my skin and the temperature changes that involves. When I wash my hair it has to dry naturally as I cannot tolerate the noise or sensation of a hairdryer.

I can tolerate a bath and quite enjoy that. However I see no reason to have one any more often than once a week in summer and usually less frequently in the winter. Like you I live alone and very rarely have any contact with other people. On the rare occasions when I am going somewhere, when I may be in proximity to other people, I make an effort to have a bath the night before. 

If I stay somewhere that only has a shower I'll usually choose to wait until I return home to have a bath  If necessary I wash any areas that need washing using a sink of soapy water and a flannel.

As for laundry it's not uncommon for me to avoid the task until I have absolutely no clean underwear left in the drawer and the wash bin is seriously overflowing! Bedding only gets changed and washed every 6 weeks or so.

Wow, so many of us! Me too. Made way harder by crippling arthritis. I used to force myself to shower/bath once a week but haven't for ages, not sure when I stopped that but possibly with my burnout.

I keep hair washing a separate thing, do that in the kitchen sink as the tap there is a nice big long mixer tap, but over the years I have been working towards making it less and less frequent. Itching drove me to do it about every ten days, but somehow this year it has been able to go a lot longer between washes before becoming intolerably itchy. I keep my hair very short which helps, cut it myself as I hate people touching it. But that is it's own sensory nightmare as I loathe the feel of the short cut off bits and they stick to my skin, but I love actually cutting it and can get a bit carried away and cut bits too short. Then my feet hurt before I have finished! So difficult.

I simply don't wash my skin enough, it is very dirty. Bits are clean, like my hands, then I wash the rest piecemeal, like a strip wash except not the whole body at a time as I don't have energy. Some bits get done more often than others, bits which are visible or which get smelly and itchy if left too long. But it has been years since i had either a shower or a bath. I need a bath first as some of the dirt and dead skin won't shift unless it is soaked, but my bath is full of stuff and it scares me getting in and out with my arthritis. I need a bath lift, but getting one is too difficult since covid because I am not going in shops and don't want any strangers in the house.

It is simply exhausting and painful to even wash one bit of me, so motivation is low, especially since covid and not getting too close to anyone, deodorant helps! I think for me it is the arthritis which makes it so impossible. I used to like a bath, except getting out and dry, that I always hated, same with swimming. I dislike the cold from evaporation unless the weather is hot, and then I dislike that I feel sticky damp for ages. But I hated showers as a kid, we didn't have one so they were only a problem if away. I worked out it was that I could not have my head under it, I detest water in the eyes or ears, so I am fine as long as the shower head can be lowered to chest height and ideally is removable. I would be fine with a weekly bath or shower if only it didn't hurt so much, mostly my hands, and finding it hard to reach some parts.

I do clean my teeth twice a day, it's better than dental work! Regrettably I had a phase in my 20s when I didn't and that has caused such problems, and I even knew that poem by Pam Ayres 'I wish I'd looked after my teeth!' But it took quite an effort to start it up again, and when i did it was only before bed. Adding the after breakfast only happened ten or so years ago.

It's good to know I am not alone in this struggle! I do feel vile though. I prefer feeling clean and have been a bit surprised how long i can tolerate this.

There are fruit flavours, maybe only for kids? And I once tried fennel toothpaste but found it vile because it was far too frothy, but that was years ago so no idea if that is still even made. I like mint, but I cannot stand frothy.

Thats exactly what i mean! Who'd have thunk it.

After willingly volunteering to go in the bathroom first yesterday, I then spent the next 20 minutes (un)intentionally avoiding doing this by doing other things. I wasn't aware until it was pointed out. 

I used to be like this. I used to absolutely hate bathing and doing my hair. I don't know why but it was a bit like walking bare foot, I couldn't stand it.

But in my teens I contracted a nasty virus because of weak immune system which later led to an multiple sclerosis diagnosis and after that I've been OCD with washing etc so now I think I wash too much.

That sounds ridiculous - do you mean that perhaps some people say "you can't do something when you want to, and can do, that something?!

Oh, surely, that isn't a "thing"? ......But, I suppose that if it WERE to be a "thing", something like 'Pathological Demand Avoidance' would be a good label for it.  Oh, the irony.

[Disambiguation - Both participants in this exchange know these words are neither attack nor criticism.]

Yes and I think some of it is also demand. Even when we want to!

Apart from autistic inertia, I wonder if low self worth plays its part. Particularly when anxiety is peaking.

I know exactly what you mean about the pizza thing, I avoiding that too by specifically finding a pizza-oven-microwave-thing from ‘Sage’, it’s freestanding and removes the need to be dependent on tradesmen..:’D

Hi Autumn

I can absolutely relate to this!  Personal hygiene is very challenging to me. When my husband was alive I was more aware of the need to wash but since he's no longer here I just forget more often than not. Teeth cleaning is a real issue too. I forget more often than not. 

Yesterday I did housework and changed my bedding but that was only because my 9 year old granddaughter has stayed over and I know it needs to be nice for her. The washing in the laundry bin will now remain there until some time when the bin is full. Like you I know that logically it will take very little effort to sort out but out of sight out of mind is a real thing. 

For the longest time I've thought it's because I'm lazy then my daughter reeled off a whole load of things that are just due to the way our brains are wired. Hurrah for knowing that! 

Hi Kate. Wow you are such an understanding and supportive parent it's lovely to read. Your son is so lucky to have you looking out for him. I'm much like you and your son. I really can't tolerate washing, the feel of water or a flannel on my skin is horrible and usually sends me in to a frenzy and meltdown. My mum was like you, she used to support me and help me but after she died I just stopped. I'm ashamed of that really but I never thought of it. Now I've got nursing staff who are very supportive as well and help me with this.

I hope your son can learn to manage in the end. Maybe reminders in his phone might help? But for now keep encouraging him gently that will be helping a lot already.

Both my sons are autistic - but one is scrupulous about washing and showering etc and the other just hates it completely and never wants to engage with it at all. So different, and yet both are at the extreme ends of the washing spectrum! I think there are some good ideas in this thread about making it a bit more tolerable. One thing that helps me is having really lovely scented shower gels etc so that I can enjoy that aspect of it. And fluffy towels and favourite soft nightwear and cosy socks ready to put on afterwards. I hate cleaning my teeth so much that often it delays me going to bed til later than is ideal. So I’ll have my audiobook ready to go when it’s done so I can motivate myself with that. I don’t know why they don’t invent nicer flavours of toothpaste because I just hate all those mint flavours. Horrible. 

I love your phrase: ‘I lack the social-fortitude to utilise the repairman’! 
That is DEFINITELY a problem in our house! I’ll do virtually anything to avoid people coming to the house to repair things, so we end up doing a lot of DIY - and with quite patchy results! When our cooker broke down (sort of exploded!) I could face buying a new one and having one delivered so we ended up cooking our meals on a camping stove for nearly three months! I ended up preferring it, but my husband and son wanted an oven for Pizza etc, so I have to deal with it all eventually. 

Hi, I think building a routine could help! And before you know it it might go from one extreme to the other and you might desperately need that daily shower. When I was younger and at school, I really hated washing and having a shower. My mum could barely get me to have a bath once a week (after horse riding). I don't know why but I just didn't like it. Then it all changed (I think it was triggered by a comment from someone) and I ended up having a bath/shower every morning and I really needed this to function and it became part of my routine. I think it's a matter of building up a routine. I also find that when I feel bad about myself and am filled with self-hate, I tend to self-neglect more as I feel like I don't deserve to feel good. Not sure if something like this could be going on for you as well. 

Yeah I can sort of relate, the variation of RRBs and the severity of them, and many and beyond the count of disbelieving, but I have gone to great lengths to social-contact.  
Having said that when I do have a working shower, which I don’t, I display self-injurious behaviours in the form of having too hot and long a shower. But because the shower temp is broken, as I lack the social-fortitude to utilise the repairman, I now only occasionally shower my way through the torturous-process of the cold-shower.  
You don’t even want to know the dirt-low levels I stooped to, to avoid social-contact, during Covid, let’s just say that only the process of having my licensee contact expire, saved me from the circumstances that led to my increasing-levels of squalor, such is my hatred of dealing with half-arsed workmen..

It’s the reason autism is a massive spectrum, the old adage is, “ when you meet one autistic person, you have only met one autistic person.” We are all uniquely different. Too be honest I’ve never liked washing, you can imagine what school swimming lessons were like, bare feet and being made to put my head underwater. Yuk!

Hi Roy. I understand - washing has been an issue for me since becoming a teenager. I think it's wrapped up in a lot of other body issue stuff too. 

I am the opposite with bare feet - I HATE shoes, will be bare foot wherever possible and then in sandals if I can be the rest of the time. Winter is a pain! 

Funny how we're all different :)