Did anyone's masking unconsciously just stop happening after adult diagnosis?

No. My ability to socialise is just part of who I am. It exhausts me if I have to do it too much, or with too many people at once, but not otherwise. I still find awkward silences more distressing than engaging in small talk.

The concept of 'unmasking' is of no practical use to me. If I tried to unmask, and I have no idea how, I suspect that I would be less myself, rather than more.

It absolutely does, and by grief I mean for the years of not knowing who I truly was/how much I was fronting for other people. I am not afraid/sad about being autistic, it is just the way my brain works, but I just wish I had known sooner.

I completely understand what you are saying, I hope you are doing well now. :)

Still on waiting list here, but I felt like the mask started slipping after filling out the RAADS-R and joining the queue, so-to-speak. Biggest slip was at the Christmas do where I was definitely finding the noise and crowds problematic. 

I really related to what you wrote. I found out last month about my Autism.

I'm housebound due to physical health issues so I only interact with my boyfriend. I think I have unconsciously been unmasking with him. For example, I'm not good with social interaction/communicating verbally but now I've become more blunt (unfortunately bordering on rude) - I tell him I'm not interested when he tells me  negative stories from the news or I walk out of the room and ignore him. Before I knew I'm Autistic, I'd politely sit through stuff I didn't want to hear. I also interrupt him more than I usually did. Overall, the unmasking is negative but he knows what's going on with me - confusion over who I am now.

However, I now understand what causes the horrible meltdowns I had. Those have very nearly disappeared, even though it hasn't been a conscious effort. I now shutdown and go completely quiet/tune out. It doesn't sound good but it's better than a loud shouting meltdown that affected us both.

On the other hand, even though I don't consciously control it, I still mask with the other people I have interacted with - my neighbour, people on the phone to pay Bill's or make appointments. I have a set conversation with these phone calls without spontaneity. 

I'm still muddling along after realising I'm Autistic. I guess unmasking/masking depends on who I interact with and why I'm interacting with them. Masking behaviour is easy for me since I've apparently done it unconsciously for over 60 years! I don't want to unmask if it's not in my best interests - if I need to accomplish something through a phone call then I stick to my adaptive routine. I am more aware that I have trouble processing information, so I do ask for people to repeat themselves when I need that help. They may think I'm thick or I have a hearing problem but I now don't worry about what they think of me!

I don't know if any of this is useful, but over time things settle down (I think I have some time to go to reach that, but everyone's different). 

Good Luck in your journey.

A little I guess, because now it is proof of my difference, whereas then it was proof of my defection.

Yes, I can feel my mask slipping suddenly. I'm at the point of starting to come out to other people that I'm autistic and I haven't consciously said to myself that I'd stop masking, but I find myself just allowing myself to be me. I should say that I don't have an official diagnosis yet, but have spent several years doing a tonne of research and it's made a huge amount of sense of my mess of a life!

And I think I feel as though it should be ok to just be myself - I'm finding it easier to stop worrying about what other people think if I'm quiet or abrupt or forgetful. It's exhausting putting on an act and I'm fed up with expending that energy for the sake of other people. It feels like it's about time they started learning that autistic people's comfort and wellbeing matters too and that means accepting that sometimes people are quiet and that doesn't mean they're shy or stupid and sometimes people forget birthdays, but that doesn't mean they're uncaring. Sometimes people find small talk utterly dull and that's ok, not all of us like the same things. And to be fair, small talk is utterly dull! Can't see the point when there are so many actually interesting things to talk about! :D

To be honest, I found this the most difficult concept of all to wrap my head around post diagnosis, but I suspect I may be doing this too.

I like to think that I spent 56 years slogging my way through life just being me.  Certainly I have never deployed any conscious masking ever; like say pretending to be interested in stuff I'm not or dressing in particular ways to fit in.  I never got that stuff and didn't care that I didn't get it or what people thought about the fact I didn't get it.  Jokes are the classic.  If I don't get one, I ask out of curiosity why it's funny, but I'd never laugh along and pretend to find it funny when I haven't even understood it. 

Nevertheless, I am a trainer and it is important that the message is well received and I have learned ways to express and convey things in way an audience will accept and be positive about.  To that extent I guess I have some behaviours that are not natural to me but engaged with for the benefit of others and I suppose this is masking too.

I think that now that I have my diagnosis and am very open about that I feel I have some permission to not adapt in most circumstances and am probably sub-consciously dropping adaptations.  Certainly I don't hide stimming any more.

That said I still find it very difficult to define which of my behaviours is/ were masking.  If I do catch myself out with something that is empowering because it then becomes my choice as to whether I wish to do that for the benefit of others or just bin it and not care.

Honestly tho abuse aside when I accepted the diagnosis and the mask began to slip I never grieved for a life I "could have had" if I weren't autistic, or had known the full extent of what was going on. Because by that point I'd already started addressing the CPTSD, which increased cope-ability, so I'd come to terms with it that time of my life had come and gone and I couldn't go back and change it. My view of it is:
When Tonkin explained grief in her 1996 model as
"People think that grief slowly gets smaller over time.
In reality grief stays the same size but slowly life begins to grow bigger around it."
It's not that the second line isn't true, it's just that it's irrelevant because proportionally  it has the same practical effect as the first.
But I never grieved for an imagined life I could have had if had I not been autistic, what I grieved was a life I wasn't allowed to just get on with as myself sooner. But I done that mostly already, like I said when healing from the CPTSD, before the autism diagnosis was able to stand on it's own unhidden by the other stuff. Does that make sense?

It's a long road but it is absolutely worth it. Thank you so much for your kind words :) I hope you are doing well too! 

That's so great! Part of being diagnosed helps you learn more about what was masking and what was your true and authentic-self which is quite a liberating thing to do :) 

Agreed! I have been able to speak more openly with my fiance about my sensory difficulties - I really struggle with noise and it has been really difficult. I love that you are advocating yourself! I hope to be brave enough one day to do the same with more people in my life.

I am so sorry. No two journeys with diagnosis are the same and you are right about when it hits you, I think this is a big part of it. For me, I kinda already knew but something about the diagnosis made me grieve for my childhood and adult self up until my age which is what hit me like a ton of bricks. It was actually quite freeing in a way too. 

This is what I think may be happening, I've been exhausted (probably from processing everything) which does alter the way you feel and come across sometimes. 

I have done exactly the same, ordered my self two sets of "loop" earplugs - one for night time and blocking out sound and one that filters sound. I have also bought some books as I love to learn more about things and now knowing a formal diagnosis I can learn further about this new discovery :)

To be honest, I haven't consciously changed any way that I present to others. I just noticed subtle changes since understanding a bit more about the way I think and prefer things. I very much intend to carry on as usual at work but more so noticed the changes in myself (maybe through mental exhaustion from the past couple weeks) 

I have only disclosed my diagnosis to 3 people in my personal life, and don't know if I will ever disclose further. This is deeply personal for me and more a journey of self discovery being diagnosed as an adult. :)

My journey went the opposite way. Therapy took me to self-acceptance so I started to listen to myself more often which led me and my therapist to doubt that I'm on the spectrum. From unmasking first and then to diagnosis.. I'm still figuring out what my needs are and who I am. I understand how tough this could be. I really wish you will figure this out soon. I also hope that you can find a place that is true to yourself that wouldn't affect your career.. it's not easy at all! I believe that with enough time and support you can figure out how to do that.

After my diagnosis I felt I could lower my mask and let the world see the real "me". I was so scared when I did that for what felt like the first time, anxious wasn't in it! But it felt good. I felt like I was breathing for the first time and now I try not to mask or hide from people. I want people to know me, to understand what I'm like.

No one should have to hide behind a mask. We all deserve to be ourselves.

I definitely felt like the diagnosis (which was only a couple of weeks ago) was confirmation that I was 'allowed' to let people know about any sensory discomfort or let them see what I'm really like. I haven't quite consciously dropped the mask yet, but I have felt confident enough post-diagnosis to start telling people "if you notice my behaviour changing, it's because I'm autistic and I'm trying to make my life a bit easier." I don't know if anybody has actually noticed anything or not- time will tell I suppose!

🐝 Bees 🐝 (they/them) Autism resources in bio #stoptheshock #NothingAboutUsWithoutUs said:

I guess it depends on when it hits you.

That is a really important point, I believe.

I was actually diagnosed decades ago but because I was abused as a kid I thought it was just misdiagnosed CPTSD, and I only accepted my diagnosis after I started to get better from the CPTSD stuff, but other things remained, so I reliased it was both, and actually more than that was also going on too. So only after I had the epiphany moment (decades after the diagnosis) my mask started to slip off.
I guess it depends on when it hits you.

Post diagnosis is a bit of a rollercoaster, which I’m still on 6 weeks or so after my assessment. It’s worth considering that you may have been quiet for no other reason than the fact you’re still processing a fairly monumental piece of news. 

There is a lot around about learning to unmask, but for me personally I’ve found more benefit in trying to understand how my autism affects me and making small adjustments. This has included making more use of noise-cancelling earphones and the decision of where I’m going to sit at work.