School Trauma?

My secondary school years have been blotted out of my memory. Overwhelmed by a school with 800 kids, trying not to stand out at all. Of the 5 main subjects in three I was in the top class and they were ok as they were the decient kids and they wanted to learn. For maths and english I was in the middle class and every kid seemed to want to bully me and the couple of others who tried to learn. This was the 80's and on a council estate school with no asperations of anything. It was so depressing to have a morning with decient kids and an afternoon of being bullied with teachers who did almost nothing. I so hated it. I loved it when I could go to work. Initially I mostly worked with decient older people who treated me much better, it was a revelation and a much happier time in my life.

Autonomistic said:

I was repeatedly told that my school days would be the best days of my life and that I should make the most of it and enjoy them. I remember thinking “if this is the best life has to offer I've had enough already”.

I thought that too.  And now, after joining a Facebook group for my year group way back from 1974 - 79, I can see that the majority had a completely different experience and actually look back on those years very fondly.  Many of them will say that their school days were the best days of their lives.  They'll also say that they were poor but happy back in those days.  I was poor and actually deeply unhappy about it!  Perhaps they're looking through rose-tinted glasses but, given all of their other comments and chats, it seems genuine enough.  And yes, when I listen to Kieran and other autistic advocates, I realise just how much it cost me to remain in such places - the masking, the subterfuge (to successfully escape those occasions which felt really impossible), the denial of my true feelings, all for decades beginning in reception class.  

I definitely wonder about the people we could have been, had we been in environments that were more in keeping with our natures, but I'm still hoping we can recapture some of that, even much later on in life.  And it is interesting to allow more of those genuine feelings and thoughts to come to the fore, now that there's more awareness of what actually happened back then and what it meant for us.  I wish it could have been different, of course, and I feel damaged by it all, but I also think that the "salvage operations" I'm now engaged in are allowing me to reach a depth and richness in life that I wouldn't otherwise have known.  I didn't have the word for masking even, so although I could always feel myself shifting gears in different situations, with a definite wall coming up, I previously didn't really have the tools to pare down the false from the genuine, which leaves an internal mess and confusion, I think.          

Autonomistic said:

The short answer is that I have been left very traumatised by school. I developed anxiety which got progressively worse and it has had a lifelong significant negative impact on my self esteem and confidence

I did read your long answer and it strikes lots of familiar notes.  But yes, the trauma is significant and very often lifelong too.  Anxiety is a major consequence and something I've often felt blamed for.  Perhaps I wasn't taking "therapy" seriously or implementing any of their "helpful" tools or advice, or simply desensitising myself by "fake it til you make it" approaches?  I was often assailed with comments along the lines of, "Well, everyone gets that, you just have to get on with it!"  Whereas I now realise that, no, everyone wasn't like that at all.  The magnitude of the anxiety and the sense of awkwardness, isolation and difference were overwhelming whereas those criticising me got a little nervous and rapidly overcame it.  They also didn't suffer from the kind of social exclusion that makes it much much worse.  Just a little understanding and a few adjustments in the environment would have made a huge difference.  

i'm really sorry you went through all of that and I just hope that greater understanding can still make some difference, even now.      

I'm sorry you suffered this start to life.

I hope that in spite of such  trauma, some good things have come your way.

One of the wisest old expressions is 'hindsight is a wonderful thing'.

If we could turn back time and influence our early lives we would be different people now and have led a different life.

Thinking about my school days, in preparation for my autism assessment, uncovered some previously well buried memories and released a lot of suppressed emotions I certainly wasn't expecting. The short answer is that I have been left very traumatised by school. I developed anxiety which got progressively worse and it has had a lifelong significant negative impact on my self esteem and confidence. If you want the (much) longer answer then read on.

My trauma started aged 3 at nursery school. I remember being very excited about going, believing that I was going to school to learn to read and write. However what I experienced was nothing like I was expecting and it was a huge assault on the senses. I wouldn't have anything to do with the other children. I didn't understand or show any interest in the stupid 'play' learning they were expecting of me. It was the playtimes in the playground that were by far the worst. I remember the overwhelming screaming and unbearable noise from the other children. I had to get as far away as possible from those strange creatures and if I couldn't I would meltdown. 

I don't remember exactly what my 'behaviour' was but I clearly remember the trauma of the frequent punishments I was given. Once back inside the teacher would make me sit cross legged in the corner, facing the wall for the rest of the school day. The more I cried the more the teacher shouted at me for 'acting like a baby'. To this day I do not really understand what it was that I was being punished for.

Eventually the teachers couldn't cope with my 'behaviour' any longer and they asked my mum to come into the school during playtime every day to look after me. She would take me to a quiet area, well away from the other children, so that I would remain calm. 

In infant school the main trauma I experienced was from the overwhelming environment of the school dining hall. The plates clanging, chairs scraping, cutlery, the noise from the other children, the dinners ladies shouting at me, the revolting smells. All of that sensory overload meant I was far to upset to eat anything, even though I would eat at home. The school kept asking my mum to write lists of foods I would or wouldn't eat, but that didn't make any difference. I was too traumatised to eat anything at all. I believe it was my early experiences in that dining hall which resulted in my lifelong fear of eating in front of other people. For the remainder of my time at school I had to go home for lunch every day.

It came to light during my autism assessment that my infant school teachers had tried to get me transferred to a special school, due to my 'behaviour' and they said I was 'spastic'. I assume this label was due to my undiagnosed dyspraxia, which caused a lot of balance and co-ordination problems. I also had the classic autistic toe walk and would drag my feet and lag a long way behind if they tried to get me to walk with the other children.

I wonder how my life might have turned out if the teachers had got their way and had me transferred to a special school. Back then (in the 1970s) there was a huge stigma around those schools and I suspect the school trauma may have been just as bad (in different ways). Plus it is unlikely I would have had the opportunity to achieve any qualifications.

In primary school I still could not be persuaded to go into the playground, as I found the noise too overwhelming. I would plead with my teachers to let me stay in the classroom and do extra maths questions instead.

I developed school anxiety and my attendance was very poor. I was often off school with various vague physical symptoms like 'tummy ache'. I suspect these were anxiety induced and there might have been a high correlation between my absences and my PE lesson timetable! My anxiety was much worse on a Sunday, with the dread of having to go back to school the following day.

Towards the end of my time at primary school things did improve slightly, as I had the stability of having the same (and nicer) teacher for several years. I also loved maths and it became a special interest of mine, so much so that I was always top of the class in that subject.

The move to secondary school, two different and equally rough comprehensives in my case, was where things started to get extremely difficult for me. The huge changes were so hard to cope with. Having to follow a timetable, constantly switching focus between lessons, having hundreds of pupils all jostling and pushing in the school corridors, the unbearable noise everywhere, the school bells, all the different teachers, teachers who were incapable of controlling the class, the cruel name calling and bullying, the school uniform, I could go on... I hated all of it and was so out of my depth. I didn't manage to make any real friends.

It was at secondary school where my situational mutism got significantly worse. My school reports said I needed to speak up more in class, but I was unable to. Certain teachers seemed determined to try and make me speak and would randomly ask me questions. Of course I could not answer, even if I knew the answer I could not get the words out. My anxiety became out of control and was much worse in those lessons. I was constantly anxious, in case the teacher was going ask me another question, and I could not think clearly or concentrate on learning anything.

The break times were a daily nightmare for me. All the overwhelming noise in the corridors and playgrounds was unbearable sensory overload. I no longer had a classroom I could stay in, like I used to at primary school. I would try and hide inside the school, but when found by a teacher or prefect I would be sent outside, to become an easy target for the school bullies.

I started to truant more and more, as I couldn't cope with school any longer. I would often attend morning and afternoon registration, to avoid my attendance record getting flagged, and then leave the school grounds completely. In those days schools weren't fenced and gated like they seem to be now.

The noise and crush of the school grounds and corridors around the start and end of school was also far too overwhelming for me. I would hang around just outside the school grounds until most pupils were inside and then attempt to go in. Of course that meant I was often late, for which I would be given detention. I didn't mind too much, as having detention also meant I could avoid the afternoon rush of hundreds of pupils leaving at the end of the school day.

My truancy and frequent detentions had the surprising benefit of giving me some kudos with the school bullies. Although I was still the quiet, weird one I think I became more of a fellow rebel and less of a target.

In my last couple of years of secondary I practically dropped out completely. It was around the time of the teachers strikes, so my increasingly frequent absences were not really noticed or questioned.

I returned to sit my exams but I had missed so many lessons that my revision notes were severely lacking. I had no textbooks at home, no friends whom I could ask to copy lesson notes. Unsurprisingly I failed many of my O Levels.

I didn't have a clue what to do next, so I attended a 6^th Form College and did A Levels in the maths and science subjects I had passed at O Level. The environment there was better than school, but still far too noisy and busy for me. I used to attend for my lessons and exams but that was all. My teachers described me as an enigma because I barely spoke, couldn't answer verbal questions and never asked them any questions. It seemed to surprise them when I passed written tests or exams.

Outside of lessons couldn't stand the environment and I just had to get out of there. I had absolutely no interest in the constant chatter about university applications by my fellow students. I knew there was no way I could cope with the social demands of university and I wanted out.

If I'd been able to have home schooling I probably could have achieved so much more and suffered a lot less trauma. However my home life was also very difficult. My parents were divorced and my mum had a string of failed relationships, so there were frequently a lot of arguments at home. My mum was also in and out of hospital a lot. I was 'looked after' by elderly relatives when my mum was in hospital but then when she came home I effectively became her carer.

I did try to explain how much I hated school but my fears were dismissed. I was repeatedly told that my school days would be the best days of my life and that I should make the most of it and enjoy them. I remember thinking “if this is the best life has to offer I've had enough already”.

I believe I first learned that I had to mask my sensory distress and suppress my emotions at a very young age in nursery school. I learned the hard way that if I did not I would be punished. I have continued to internalise so much throughout my life. Watching that Kieran Rose video, posted on here recently, made me realise just how much I had to mask at school. The person I could have been in life was never given a chance to fully develop

Well done in completing the OU course!
It is something I have been considering doing myself. That is my new years resolution!

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I struggled with Primary school during the late 70s into the mid 1980s.
The whole thing - noise, chopping and changes to routine, the school bell, fire alarm etc.
The move to Comp school in 1986 was much worse - an entire new enviroment, new class, new teachers, new people, new structure to my normal day and a lot more pressures & expectation.
It was very hard work.

I would go home for Lunch - as the dinner hall was too much for me; too crowded & noisy (and smelly).
After lunch, I'd struggle to get motivated to go back to school and return for another 3 hours of mental struggle..

After School trips, I would return home and shut myself in my room, put on my headphones to listen to music.
After a weeks residential, during the autumn of 1986, I came home and I was totally finished - the whole week was too much to cope with.
I shared a dorm with 6 other boys - 4 of them were the school pain in the a*ses - and did nothing but mess about all night.
One even set off the Fire Alarm at 3AM and turfed the entire hostel out into the cold for an hour.

I plodded on - with the old "Tummy Ache" and "Feeling Sick" story wearing thin - and Parents & Teachers thinking I was being bullied (which I wasn't).

It was during the Spring the next year - I was knocked down, by a buffoon driving a Volvo down a pavement - and ended up with numerous serious cuts & bruises and a Fratured Skull - putting me in hospital for 2 weeks.
For me - that accident - was in an odd way, a strange blessing - it got me away from school (on a serious note - it could have actually killed me) - in the time I had away from the school - I did my own learning - at my own pace and in my own time.
I learned to code a ZX Spectrum computer to create my own games and software; I learned to play the Piano/Keyboards; we grew Veg in the garden; had more time to read up & learn about my Electronics Hobby and also make animated films with an 8mm camera. (Yes - pre digtial camera days).

By the time it was safe to go back to school - we had moved house - well away from the area - more rural.
And I returned to school - a different Comp.
All this change & new comp had me stressed for weeks - that was until I started at school; and found it was a totally different atmosphere; the kids were more friendly (even the idiots!) and the teachers treated pupils with respect - and as adults.
If a pupil had a Hobby or Interest - it was used to aid their education
That Mainstream Comp was the place for me and I settled in really well- I wish I had started then earlier.

Thanks to that Comp - I was able to persue my interest in Computer Games/Software; making films as part of my education.

I feel like my years at Primary school and early Comp Years were a total waste of time - as I have never felt as if I have achieved anything at all. Each day was filled with Worry, Anxiety, Stress, being overwhelmed, worried about change & getting home each day and shutting myself away to recover.

My youngest son is Autistic - and he struggled through primary school; and lasted 6 weeks in comp before we had to remove him - he's now homeschooled and we have never looked back.

What horrifies me, is how un-educated Teachers were - many have told me, that if I had been the school system today - chances are, something with me would have been picked up sooner - and I would have got some kind of diagnosis.
Back then our attitudes were very different.

I wasn't diagnosed with ASD until I reached my early 20s. And that was thanks to support from a workplace Doctor.

Bit of a life story - but I still today think back to my early school years and shudder - thinking "How the hell did I get through it"...

Yes, it would unfortunately have meant you were singled out.  Probably not to the same extent (and again having the benefit of being able to escape at the end of the day) my dad experienced some of this at school as he was the headmaster's son.  Basically, once one thing was latched onto, it can escalate, as if the flood gates have opened.  I think kids, and sadly often teachers, can focus on any difference at all and see it as an excuse for taunting, shouting and worse.  Utterly deplorable!

Yes, things are better here too.  However, there's a lot of intergenerational trauma, some of which I caused or added to as I didn't know any better, and we're still trying to support our sons in carving out a better future for them.  Difficult when so much has been internalised over the years and actually accepted as the way things ought to be.  If I could go back, I would homeschool them and opt out of many of the activities we actually thought represented our family "doing well".  In fact much of it led to a whole lot of masking and even more internalised stuff for the next generation. 

Almost in their very nature, schools just aren't autistic-friendly and I'm not sure that these places can really change that much, particularly in the face of constant underfunding and within the cultural/economic climate we have.  So, although people are generally encouraged to desensitise themselves (as if there is a flaw in them) and such efforts are seen as a "good thing", I think it's easy for this to drive the trauma still deeper, such that it becomes very hard to know who we basically are.  In that respect I'd recommend any webinars by Kieran Rose as he refers to this a lot and has helped me gain more clarity on the issue.  

It still doesn't make things easy, of course, but I like to think we're now on the right track.

Very glad to hear you're better than you were and long may this continue!

xx

Yes very very hostile. Not a place for people with autism really. I think it needs to be changed to make it better for autistic people - I found school really difficult at times.

Teachers can be really horrible. It's almost like some of them enjoy tormenting us lol.

Omg I'm sorry that happened to you. I don't like having my photo taken with other people, I always get the feeling like I don't look right or my clothes aren't right for that day. Getting laughed at is no fun. People can be really mean. I don't work yet but I'm going to do my best to get a job next year I hope - I think I'll hide as well :) 

I'm a lot better now than I was then. I hope you are doing really well too - and your family too, how's your son now? Xx

As the son of a  diplomat it was the done thing.

A totally hostile environment in which you got blamed and were expected to conform.  And yes, the teachers very often exacerbated it all and were bullies on only a slightly more sophisticated level from the pupils (i.e. no actual swearing but lots of shouting, blaming and intimidation). 

I was always on the edge of groups and we once got our photos taken in a photo booth.  Well, I wasn't happy with mine as I looked terrified and as though I was about to be sick.  My friend helpfully observed that, "But you're noted for that look!"  So I think I must have been in that state quite often.  Then getting laughed at or ignored/marginalised due to it.  And I can relate very strongly to the need to escape - I still disappeared into the relative safety of the toilets years later at work.  

It can take a lot to feel some distance from all of this but I do hope you are feeling more free to be yourself and tailor things as needed these days.       

School wasn't the best experience for me.

It was a massive overload every day and caused a lot of stress and anxiety, outbursts as well when it all got too much. I used to stutter terribly could hardly speak. I had shaky hands and dropped my pens, books and even my lunch which everyone found hilarious and seemed to never forget.

The teachers picked on me most of the time, made me stand up in front of everyone else and told me off when I wouldn't answer them. 

Sometimes I felt like I needed to escape and breathe so would just run from class outside or to the toilets.

I didn't like the material of my school clothes either, upset my skin in a big way.

And the noise of the other people there and the bell was unbearable every day.

This is all terrible and sadly not the only time I've heard such accounts about public schools.  My comprehensive was bad, yes, but I could at least escape at the end of the day and, though facing their own related difficulties, my parents were loving and supportive - strong protective factors that I know not everyone has.  

It does make me fear that, due to the way "education" is structured and delivered, it still needs to change radically, not just offer a few accommodations, to make it feel safe and for it to become a real learning environment for us.  I did go back later in life to retrain but, although it was the right decision in overall terms, I still found it very difficult, not just due to the environment (bad enough and built on many of the same assumptions as earlier insitutions) but also due to all of the defensive patterns and responses within me - basically the trauma from back then.  

So sorry you went through all of this.  It definitely casts a long shadow and it often feels that the safest place for any activity, including personal development, is at home where we have more control. 

I went to boarding school from 1965-1975. First a prep school in Sussex, and then Felsted public school in Essex. There was some bantering/teasing at prep school , but public school was far worse. I was subjected to severe verbal bullying. I can still remember waiting for a class to start , and having monkey chants directed at me by over a dozen boys.

The bullying related trauma still affects me  47 years since I left Felsted. My first psych admission was from there to Severalls in what should've been the term I took A levels. I've rebuffed attempts to get me to  pursue further education time and time again due to severe social anxiety and the trauma.

I had a somewhat similar experience to you. I went to two senior schools, both comprehensives. The first, from 11 to 14, was a former Secondary Modern. The teaching was so-so and the strap was dispensed very freely. The second, from 14 to 18, was a former Grammar School, the teaching was definitely much better and, although corporal punishment was still a threat, the strap was much less frequently used. I found the second school much less oppressive and I was considerably less anxious in it.

Yes, we had that too and that would just add an additional layer of fear and uncertainty into a situation that was already loaded against us.  

I definitely think it's better now, plus the increased awareness and training (although still not what I'd consider adequate) is feeding into that.  Having the recognition plus the language to describe and relate autistic experience and needs is a major improvement, I think, although of course funds to implement any support or  accommodations remain very limited. 

Unfortunately I think it's all just a beginning and if the improvements have been "vast" then this says more about how dire it was back then than how good it is now.  It's going in the right direction though.

And although I think it's now better for autistic children, there are still huge difficulties, with parents having to fight for the right support. 

Sadly, within families like mine, none of this makes any difference when identification comes later in life, with many services just petering out after age 25.  It needs to be lifelong, given the way our society and culture is set up to the detriment of  minorities like ours.   

In the 60 s/ 70 s we had no TAs in Primary School. I think that started during the 70s when I had moved to Secondary school. There were no SENCO s. I just remember one lady who took a few children out of class to help them  

If there were children with severe behavior problems they were moved to a Special School. I don't think anyone thought there might be a reason. 

As for those who struggled in school or to get to school I am not sure anyone wondered why.

There was also the threat of general punishment. Something happens, nobody owns up, so the whole class gets punished. I came close to being strapped through that route, more than once. Even behaving as scrupulously as possible, did not mean that you were shielded from corporal punishment.