Published on 12, July, 2020
I just revisited Jodie Smitten's excellent site and found this cluster of articles and info on school attendance - often an issue for parents and certainly an issue within my own family over at least 2 generations. Drilling down into the reasons can be quite emotional too. I was thinking at first that it might be more suitable for the Parents and Carers section but then, and especially after the school reports thread, I reconsidered. Reading through some of this, like thinking about my old school reports, set off quite a bit of reflection on my own schooling, much of which damaged or distorted me and influenced my behaviours for some considerable time. It's all still very much with me, in fact, like a voice in my head. I was always able to attend school myself, but I'm thinking now that the cost might have been too great. It also led to an awful lot of masking, some fairly negative behaviours and consequences for me, plus an almost neverending drive towards perfectionism and getting 10/10, no matter what I had to do to achieve it. :( And yes, although it can be a large "turning circle", I'm on to it now, with more insight, I think. :) If you feel OK to share here, how do you all feel about all of this? www.jodiesmitten.co.uk/school-attendance
School wasn't the best experience for me.
It was a massive overload every day and caused a lot of stress and anxiety, outbursts as well when it all got too much. I used to stutter terribly could hardly speak. I had shaky hands and dropped my pens, books and even my lunch which everyone found hilarious and seemed to never forget.
The teachers picked on me most of the time, made me stand up in front of everyone else and told me off when I wouldn't answer them.
Sometimes I felt like I needed to escape and breathe so would just run from class outside or to the toilets.
I didn't like the material of my school clothes either, upset my skin in a big way.
And the noise of the other people there and the bell was unbearable every day.
A totally hostile environment in which you got blamed and were expected to conform. And yes, the teachers very often exacerbated it all and were bullies on only a slightly more sophisticated level from the pupils (i.e. no actual swearing but lots of shouting, blaming and intimidation). I was always on the edge of groups and we once got our photos taken in a photo booth. Well, I wasn't happy with mine as I looked terrified and as though I was about to be sick. My friend helpfully observed that, "But you're noted for that look!" So I think I must have been in that state quite often. Then getting laughed at or ignored/marginalised due to it. And I can relate very strongly to the need to escape - I still disappeared into the relative safety of the toilets years later at work. It can take a lot to feel some distance from all of this but I do hope you are feeling more free to be yourself and tailor things as needed these days.
Yes very very hostile. Not a place for people with autism really. I think it needs to be changed to make it better for autistic people - I found school really difficult at times.
Teachers can be really horrible. It's almost like some of them enjoy tormenting us lol.
Omg I'm sorry that happened to you. I don't like having my photo taken with other people, I always get the feeling like I don't look right or my clothes aren't right for that day. Getting laughed at is no fun. People can be really mean. I don't work yet but I'm going to do my best to get a job next year I hope - I think I'll hide as well :)
I'm a lot better now than I was then. I hope you are doing really well too - and your family too, how's your son now? Xx
Yes, things are better here too. However, there's a lot of intergenerational trauma, some of which I caused or added to as I didn't know any better, and we're still trying to support our sons in carving out a better future for them. Difficult when so much has been internalised over the years and actually accepted as the way things ought to be. If I could go back, I would homeschool them and opt out of many of the activities we actually thought represented our family "doing well". In fact much of it led to a whole lot of masking and even more internalised stuff for the next generation.
Almost in their very nature, schools just aren't autistic-friendly and I'm not sure that these places can really change that much, particularly in the face of constant underfunding and within the cultural/economic climate we have. So, although people are generally encouraged to desensitise themselves (as if there is a flaw in them) and such efforts are seen as a "good thing", I think it's easy for this to drive the trauma still deeper, such that it becomes very hard to know who we basically are. In that respect I'd recommend any webinars by Kieran Rose as he refers to this a lot and has helped me gain more clarity on the issue.
It still doesn't make things easy, of course, but I like to think we're now on the right track.
Very glad to hear you're better than you were and long may this continue!
xx