School Trauma?

Jenny Butterfly said:

So sorry you went through all of this.  And yes, I can relate to so much that you're written.  I think that certain assumptions about me and my background were made based on my academic performance - apparently I couldn't be so "clever" and still be entitled to free school meals, live in a slum and be going through some quite significant family issues all at the same time.  

Thank you Jenny, and the sympathy/empathy is reciprocal 

Talking here to parents (and young people): having read this thread and how difficult it was for those growing up in the 60s and 70s+ :

is it much better now do you think for autistic children?

One would hope that there have been vast improvements over the decades since the '80s.

The recognition is 1st (which we wouldn't have had) but then of course the support structure is required - is that effective?

Understandable and very relatable.  People-pleasing takes effort and, if the results don't match that effort, resentment is quite likely I think.    

Sporadic Sparkly said:

The only way I was able to describe it at that age was that I felt homesick.

It can be very hard to explain, particularly when they are authority figures, you have minimal - no power within that system and those relationships, and on top of it all there's not even the language (on autism/neurodiversity) in place to enable you to describe it all in ways they'd understand!  Avoidance can then become the best option.   

I made an effort in school, but ended up resentful for my experience. 

I was at a Secondary School, then did A Levels at a Grammar School. Ultimately, I tried too hard to Curry Favour with everyone. 

Resentments were rife, that time, and it has decimated our morale. 

Again, this sounds all too familiar to me, especially feigning illness.  I didn't do it very often, but knowing that I could was very helpful.  And the threat of corporal punishment was frightening to me too, especially since kids would be hauled out of their group at assembly and caned in front of everyone else.  Disgusting!  

I think it was very hard to convey those feelings for so many of us and even within our families.  Back then I don't think we had the language that would have enabled us to articulate the issues, even if we felt comfortable within the family.  So I'd definitely agree that things have improved in that respect.  And help with sensitivity issues isn't enough but seems like quite a big deal compared to what we had.    

The bullying was relentless which would have been due to being pretty, very different ie autistic, wearing glasses and old hand-me-down clothes and eventually excelling academically (relatively speaking).

So sorry you went through all of this.  And yes, I can relate to so much that you're written.  I think that certain assumptions about me and my background were made based on my academic performance - apparently I couldn't be so "clever" and still be entitled to free school meals, live in a slum and be going through some quite significant family issues all at the same time.  

And yes, the trauma, although I probably wouldn't have described it as such at the time, was ongoing and still very uncomfortable to remember - your word "haunted" feels very accurate. 

Yes, I did a lot of hiding too because it just wasn't safe to stand out.  I'd probably have preferred much of it to have been conducted online, although that wasn't an option back then. 

During my final year of junior school, I began truanting because I just couldn't face the prospect of going to school. This continued until my headteacher was successful in contacting my parents. Whilst it was no secret that I didn't enjoy school, my parents found it impossible to grasp why. The only way I was able to describe it at that age was that I felt homesick.

At secondary school, there had been further instances of truanting... until my parents received a letter from the education authority about my prolonged period of absence from school. 

I attended school, though I sometimes feigned illness to attempt to avoid it. I hated school with a vengeance, and feared it. I did well academically, once my bouts of selective mutism disappeared at seven years old; I cannot imagine how much worse it would have been if I had had significantly less academic ability. I think that the threat of corporal punishment - the strap - particularly traumatised me. As an autistic child with heightened sensory difficulties around touch, being touched by others and having debilitating tactile revulsions, the threat of being hit on the hands with a thick leather strap, wielded by a grown man, appalled  me. I think trauma is not too extreme a word to apply.

Thank you for this post. Personally I always attended school but do think looking back there were times I found it difficult. I would try to describe to my parents how I felt when I now know these were times when things were too stressful, but they didn't understand from my descriptions how I felt. Knowing today about autism is a positive thing.

Now looking at my son's experience I can see how school is not an easy place to be. Behaviour policies appear to be aimed at making everyone conform. There are consequences for not wearing uniform quite right, not seeming to take into account sensory difficulties. Then there are consequences for losing a card to record not conforming or damaging it because of a need to do something to reduce anxiety. So you could end up with a detention for being yourself.  One positive for us amongst the challenges is that the SENCO understands the difficulties and has allowed some concessions to help with sensitivity issues.

School for me was a nightmare.

In Junior school I was bullied and because I couldn't see the blackboard due to myopia (and no-one picked up on it) I think I lost out on some schooling.

I used to wear my older sisters' or mum's clothes + shoes to school as I didn't have much of my own = more bullying.

I didn't pass the 11+ so went to a Secondary Modern school (for girls).

Those schools were in place for people who weren't expected to take exams.

Both my schools were in the poorest areas of Portsmouth, very rough + with poor teaching standards.

It was only when the Secondary School became Comprehensive that the school improved, with an influx of Grammar pupils and teachers.

So, against all odds, I ended up with some 'O' and 'A' levels.

We were the 1st pupils to take 'A' levels in that school (ie ever).

The bullying was relentless which would have been due to being pretty, very different ie autistic, wearing glasses and old hand-me-down clothes and eventually excelling academically (relatively speaking).

The bullying has haunted me all my life.

This was against a background of complex relationships, a mentally unstable mother, my parents being unhappily married but still together and sharing a bedroom with my older sister in a noisy council house where there was no quiet place to study or think or do anything really.

We had originally been in our own house but Portsmouth City Council in the 1970s compulsorily repossessed loads of Victorian housing in the city, demolished it and replaced it with council owned.

These are not happy memories and much of my earlier life, home and school, was filled with trauma.

I definitely had real issues with school. Social overload. Expectations overload. Hiding all my emotions and struggles. Being good to fit in.

I'd come home, raid the biscuit tin and just watch whatever was on telly until 6pm. I just couldn't function past that.

I do think there are benefits to school, but that there need to be adjustments to make it a better environment for everyone. The problem is that this costs money that just isn't available.