Baby

Hi there I'm Cassidy and I'm need of some advice please.

I have Autism which I do struggle with on a daily basis, don't we all? I mostly struggle with noise, going out, talking and things breaking my usual routine. Somehow I managed to get in a relationship and it's going ok. I don't think I'm an amazing girlfriend but he seems to like me so I guess that's nice.

But recently he's started talking about us having a baby. And I'm not really sure what to do. He tells me I'd be a great mum but I don't think I would. I have meltdowns a lot. And I can't stand babies, nothing personal I just don't like the constant crying and being sick :/ But lately he's getting really pushy and when we have intercourse he takes off protection even though I tell him not to. I don't think I want to get pregnant. There's a lot of factors here working against me. I think I'd be a terrible mum and I've also got a brain tumour which I haven't told anyone about yet. That's something else I need help with. I'm going to die and I don't know how to tell my mum, dad and sisters and brother. It's getting bigger all the time and sometimes I faint. I told my boyfriend the fainting is related to my low vitamin intake.

Not sure what to do about both things.

  • No one likes crying babies and sickness. Even a person without autism understands that. Another question is whether you should have children if you just don't want to. Maybe you should talk to him about it. You have no idea how I dealt with my breakdowns. I cried all the time. When my second baby was born, they said he had autism. And that's when I was desperate. The first one was fine, and he got on my nerves. So kids are different. I bought personalised dummy clips for my baby's pacifier, so he gets used to being silent as early as possible. At the sight of a pacifier, he understood that there are other people here and you have to be nice. If your man doesn't understand the seriousness of your thoughts, you need to tell him directly to keep his guard up and consider your wishes. What else can you do? Tell the truth. He will either accept you or not. But you don't want children, so if he wants a child from you, he will feel bad. You will feel how easy it will be for you after talking to him. And the sooner you start doing it, the sooner you'll get help.

  • Once I learned I could chose who I wanted to be friends with or who I allowed my self to be close to, it was life changing. x

    Me too! I never realised til recently that I didn't have to just be friends with the people who gravitated to me. I could actually choose who to connect with and who to distance myself from.

  • You did the right thing. If his reaction was to call you names and split up with you instead of talking about it and compromising, listening and understanding, then you are well rid of him. You are too good for him.

    Don't rush to find another man. Concentrate on you and your likes and dislikes, your health, your needs and wants, before rushing to get another man.

  • Sorry to hear that he was nasty to you but I think that just shows his character and you are well out of that relationship.  As you say you need to concentrate on your health in the immediate future and just know that you will find a partner when the time is right who will support you.  do be careful what you read online and keep talking to your medical team, they have the best knowledge available.

  • Sorry to hear that he was so horrible to you but a huge well done for standing up to him. His reaction is  the red flags I saw fluttering now waving like mad in a hurricane. Many people end up trapped for a very long time in abusive relationships because they’ve not stood up to the earlier signs of controlling behaviour. Your medical team are the best to talk to about chemo, yes it does make you feel unwell at the time as it can’t be targeted specifically to the tumour but it can extend your life significantly. Maybe you could also try and find a phone helpline for Macmillan they may be able to send you some information. You have to be very careful what you read online there is a lot of dangerous misinformation about natural cancer treatments 

  • I'm really sorry he reacted that way but I think that's proof because if he really cared about you he wouldn't say things like that and treat you that way.

    Now you can focus on your health and when you recover you'll be able to find someone who will treat you as you deserve to be treated.

    Heart

  • Without sounding unsympathetic... Your better off without someone like that! You need someone who loves and cares for you no matter what. Take time to look after YOU and always make YOURSELF the prioRelaxedrity, wish you all the best of luck! Fingers crossed for you! Relaxed

  • Wow! I am SO incredibly impressed. And feel with you. It seems 2 days ago you posted and here you are standing up for yourself, which is Self-Care 101. But I do know what it feels like to be met with that same response, it's incredibly painful, but please trust me that: Once you cry through it, and some time passes and you can take uninterrupted quality time to think and allow yourself 'be', and you, in turn, delete him from your future, most likely you will feel absolutely no regrets, but a massive sense of relief.

    I was in your situation and I did end up pregnant. But without support, I was depressed, overworked, abused, alone. I already had one son and the man I was with was manipulative, cruel, eventually kidnapping my son and left me in severe debt & in the US that meant homeless. I terminated that second pregnancy and I don't regret it. I do have an adult child now (who I wouldn't change for anything) but nothing has been easy. I left his father shortly after that termination and my whole life incrementally got better one step at a time. In fact, today, 20 years later, I am in a way I could've never dreamed! And I'm not middle class, but I am content. I simply had no idea what I was capable of learning, what I was capable of becoming. And all I needed to do was hunt down everything required for self-care including my physiological, psychological, emotional and spiritual health. That started with drawing lines or boundaries and learning to protect my self, my heart, my potential, my core being. 

    "Everyone is worthwhile including me". Take ALL the time you need to heal. Sometimes we find ourselves going through motions of life, being motivated by what seems innate or 'natural'. But that wild, natural animalistic nature, when reasoned with, can become disciplined, focused, intentional and inspiring: it takes work and tears. I had to cry so many wrong perspectives out of my thinking. I mean buckets. 

    I sincerely hope you can find friendships - a few key good ones who care about helping, healing and invest time in them. We only need a couple really close friends. The opposite of To Dominate is To Connect. Investing in individuals who are giving rather than those who just want to take is no small matter. Learning to walk away from forceful, controlling and domineering humans was difficult at first. These people are not interested in who we are, just using us. Once I learned I could chose who I wanted to be friends with or who I allowed my self to be close to, it was life changing. x

  • Smiles, it's a really horrible situation, and so upsetting. But you have been brave. That reaction is a reflection of his poor character, and doesn't say anything about you. It sounds like a really good idea to get the nurses to help you; I think that a lot of people wouldn't know what to do in that situation. Many people struggle to make decisions about their own health, so getting your family's perspective might help.

    There will be people who care for you, I suspect that over the coming years, you'll be able to find a much nicer partner. I hope things work out for you, best wishes.

  • I took advice you gave to me and told him that I'm a person and if I say no then I don't want it to happen. He called me a retarded freak and said were threw. So I'm very upset at the moment I wasn't expecting him to say and do that. He literally walked out this morning and he's blocked my number and me on Facebook. I've been crying all day so much I don't like being called mean things. I don't want to be lonely but now I'm alone. Maybe I'll find another man next year if I get better. For now I focus on my health.

    I have spoken to my nurses team and they say they can help me talk to family about my health so I think one may come to house tomorrow to talk to everyone. I'm a bit worried about that too be honest. I don't know how everyone's going to react. I don't like it.

    Also there's talk about them giving me chemotherapy but I read online that it can make you very sick so I'm not sure if I good idea or not. 

    I have been very ill again today though so may be it would be a good idea. I don't know what to do about it.

  • Smiles, I very rarely advise people about what to do in their relationships, but I agree with the other comments on this thread. Rape is where someone is forcing you to have sex in a way that you don't want. People who love you don't do that. I'm worried that this man is targeting you because of what sounds like your lack of confidence. I'm so sorry that this is happening at the same time as your tumour. I think you need to consider removing yourself from the abusive relationship, which might enable you to focus on what you need to do about your health. Please take care of yourself.

  • Sorry, Smiles. Didn't actually see your post so not sure why it has done that.

  • Hi Smiles. I know nothing about relationships really but I do know that it's wrong for someone to do things to you if you don't want them to. You deserve better than that. Make it crystal clear to him that you don't want him to do these things, and if he continues to do so maybe look for somebody else who will treat you properly and respect you Slight smile

    I'm really sorry about your health. Definitely tell your parents. If I had a daughter I would definitely want to know what she's going through so I could look after her.

    Hugs Heart

  • Are you addressing me or Smiles?

  • Oh Lord.  I am so sorry to hear what you are going through.  I can't imagine how hard this must be for you.

    But let's be clear about the boyfriend.  You don't have to be "pinned down and crying" for this to be abusive behaviour on his part.  Possibly, if you're compliant but haven't told him you don't really want sex, one might just about conclude that perhaps he just doesn't realise, but then add the fact that he's removing condoms when you have explicitly said you don't want that!  That is nothing short of a total indifference to your wishes and feelings.  This is something you have said you do not consent to and is therefore a sexual assault.

    And no!  He could NOT "do a lot better".  This guy does not deserve you.  The truth is you could do a lot better than him.

    As for the hospice, again these are your choices.  Many people want to stay in their own home.  Talk to your team about that.  They should work with you on that.

  • No, rape is non-consensual penetration and you do not need to demonstrate that by crying, screaming or even specifically saying no. You have made it clear that you don't want to have unprotected sex, he has done that regardless, and that is rape.

    You may not feel that way about it and that is OK. You don't have to feel like a victim. But it is still not OK for him to do this to you. 

  • If he's forcing you to have sex and you don't want to, that is rape.

    If he's deciding to make you pregnant without your consent (i.e. taking off the contraception), that is rape.

    Information about men taking off condoms without their partner knowing:

    nottssvss.org.uk/.../

  • Yes, my health affected my baby.

  • What I learned from having a baby:

    Make sure you have a wide and very supportive network to help you because you will need it. I had moved to a new area, I didn't have any friends, I have no siblings or cousins. I just had my husband and my very unreliable, angry mother. I ended up just home alone while pregnant, sick and frightened. Then I didn't know anyone when I had the baby and I just went round on my own all the time. I forced myself to go to mum and baby groups to meet people and so my baby made friends, but I just got bullied. It was a very lonely, horrible, frightening time.

    Get yourself a wide and supportive network of friends and family before you even think of having a baby.

    And your boyfriend should not be forcing you, he shouldn't take off protection without your consent. That is rape.

    It's up to you if you want to put your body through pregnancy, childbirth, breastfeeding etc. It's not up to your boyfriend, his body and mind won't be going through those massive changes, he can carry on life as normal.