Performance anxiety

This is usual but it requires the person to get help

I used to be the lead singer/guitarist in several bands in the 1990s. I hated every second of it. Severe stage fright. Now, I'm strictly a studio musician! 

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I relate to this. It happens to me, especially speaking up in front of people in and out of the family which has made me mute. I'm 27 now and I don't think I'll ever be able to talk properly again. Interviews nearly kill be, shopping is impossible, anxiety attack and meltdowns otherwise, so I do online shopping.

I try to avoid situations where the attention is on me, not always possible. When I'm in such a situation I take a deep breath and mask and hope I can get out of it pronto. If I can't escape quick then an anxiety attack and meltdown are highly likely.

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I think it is very normal for us autistic people. I have terrible performance anxiety about everything. Job interviews are a big one.

Even playing sports, I get anxious as soon as the game starts and just sieze up and fear embaressing myself

Your not alone with it

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I just put one a fake persona but in the last 2 years or so i totally don't care anymore 

Thank you for the bravo! Yeah, the inconstancy sucks, I'd  put some aside for those times, but you can't make people come for svcs---that is a good point, in that it holds it's own anxiety. I HIGHLY recommend, "Retirement Early Extreme" by Jacob Lund Fisker. It's like the frugal/f.i.r.e. bible lol I'm not pushy with spirituality....but my spirituality def plays into this alot. To end on a positive note, as I view everything as a lesson. My business will be geared/focused towards working with ASD/ADHD/OCD individuals/teams related to change management. Learning organizations are the future...

Warning....this is a little loooooooong. JT

The place I left has some really negative & badly entrenched mental models (anti-disability, anti-women/minority (I do not throw this out lightly), general bigotry really). I've worked in numerous industries/large corporations since I was 16 years old, including running a successful business for 10 of those years. 

This place was a little lawn treatment company. These people were small potatoes.Think bad episode of "melrose place." I had 19 years of experience when I started & I took on more/more bc they were cheap & eventually I burned hardcore trying to balance what should have been 2 peoples' jobs. I took it, because I was crossing over from the beauty industry back to business administration. I ignored the red flags I saw, even before my 1st day. I will not make that mistake again...I should've listened to my gut, that's the real lesson. Just a couple examples....

-the owner/my boss, said if he can't get ahold of me via phone, he'll just show up at my house.

-I had to remind them about our salary negotiation 6-month agreement & it took 1 month of 4 really stressful meetings to get them to go up $7400

-according to the CEO "the best it's ever been with their financials & HR-side" but any PTO more than a day wouldn't be approved (they only gave 10 days/yr)

-I saved them $300k in 2 quarters

-Rectified 3 employees who had been wrongly disqualified/discriminated against for their LEGAL ADHD medication.....

But they didn't care about me, I was disposable. I asked to work from home for just 2 months & they refused. Their company was doing great and I put way too much in. I built an HR dept from scratch & ran accounts payable & other responsibilities related to ops, but they wouldn't give me an HR title(at the very least)--the owner called himself HR. President/Owner/HR--not a conflict of interest, no lol.

There was alot of really stupid mind games & the son was jealous of the good working relationship I had with his dad/CEO & oddly the success I had/that he was directly benefiting from. It was a family owned business & there was some mental illness with gaslighting & actual yelling. My anxiety became so bad, my hands began trembling/jumping up when someone knocked on my door... led to meltdowns after work, that started escalating & I was stimming/picking a hole in the side of my temple-giving myself headaches. It caused alot of friction between me & husband, bc I let him quit his job to finish school---I just couldn't see "how" I could quit. After a while though, I was like...."I'd rather live in a car, then work at this job--it is crushing my spirit." If I had listened to my gut, I'd have quit sooner. Lesson=Trust your gut.

I took propanalol years ago and, although it didn't reduce my anxiety to the extent I would have liked, I found it comforting to know I always had some on me, just in case.   I did feel, however, as though I was always living on the edge, never far from being rumbled and dismissed from my job, or doing something ridiculous due to nerves that would make me feel my position was untenable.  OTC meds such as those containing passiflora or valerian didn't do much either, unless I took the whole jar washed down with alcohol. 

I once took a load of frisium when, as a student, I eventually managed to go to the GP due to intense fear of conducting a seminar.  Others on the course simply told me that everyone gets nerves and I'd be alright but I knew otherwise - I thought I'd choke or faint or make strange movements or laugh inappropriately before running out.   I knew I just couldn't be the centre of everyone's attention for that long so, for the first time, I forced myself to attend the GPs (yes, I also felt extremely nervous about that!).  So I took a couple of frisium and they didn't work.  So I took more.  And more.  I somehow got through the seminar (although I did make a couple of statements that caused raised eyebrows) but then kind of collapsed in the next lecture.  Head on desk, flopped, some strange notes made that looked as though insects had crawled over the page and completely out of it.  I then got blamed for sleeping through a lecture!

My long term relationship with alcohol stemmed from my performance anxiety too.  That didn't go very well either.  

Things which helped, gradually and over time:-

- The aging process!  I've calmed down a bit over the decades

- Yoga, meditation, breathwork, visualisation, mindfulness etc

- Changing jobs so I didn't feel so very judged all the time

- Cannabis edibles (although I have to forgo the driving with this one)  They do, however, kick in reliably and  a single candy, with around 10mg of THC, definitely helps within 1/2  to 3/4 of an hour.  If I'd had access to these sooner it might have saved me from nearly destroying myself with alcohol.  

- The propanolol only slightly but moreso as a kind of "talisman".  I felt safer having the tablets on my person and knowing I could take them at any time often meant I didn't have to.

- Accepting that I'm quite an anxious, nervous person, there are valid reasons for that and I'm OK as I am. 

 Sigh...   It's all been such a long haul, I must confess.  

I feel you as I've been experiencing performance anxiety since childhood either. If I know that I have to speak up in front of my co-workers, I take Propranolol. It helps me feel calm and relaxed. 

Very true. At what cost? There is likely a silent struggle for all aspies, and that will go unnoticed for generations maybe. I know I am on here because I have nobody that is receptive to being on the spectrum it is dismissed.

I also know that if I told my employer, some would be ok, but my manager would certainly begin bully tactics even more than are used now. Even though say least 3/4 of my colleagues are in the spectrum. Not to mention family members who are so in denial of their own traits they have missed because of stereotypes they grasp on to.

As with most asd, it's knuckle down, get throuh it,band take as many breaks as possible to recharge to avoid burnout. All to keep the wolf from the door, and the mortgage paid.

My only hope is to get to the syag

The figure is shocking but, as with the stats on suicide and life expectancy, I'm not sure how reliable they are.  Although the prevalence rate for autism has presumably remained constant, the identification rate has increased.  So, depending upon when the studies were done, they might not be totally representative or inclusive, more of an indication.  I know, that's bad enough. 

I always managed to stay in employment, however difficult it felt, but I won't be in any of the figures.  Nor will others like me who were diagnosed later in life.  Too many people are still getting missed.  I come from a long line of unidentified autistics who have worked, married and, from the outside, appeared to be coping.  We're also quite long lived.  But the downside came in the area of poor, sometimes extremely poor, mental health.      

The figures are still abysmal and things need to change, but I'm actually more afraid of the psychological damage caused by staying in work that is never going to be suitable, of the damaging effects of masking and of feeling pushed into situations which I know aren't right for me.  So a part of me wishes I'd settled for unemployment and not brought a whole heap of trauma upon myself.  I'm also sort of curious about the 15%.  I wonder whether they're happy in their work and, if not, what they're able to do about it...     

Thanks for taking the time to reply. That's wonderful ! It must have felt like a very heavy load being lifted. It's nice to hear this. It has helped. 

Thanks again.

JT said:

The figure of only 15% of people on the spectrum being in employment is a frightening statistic.

Now I know what Asperger's is all about, I'm finding aspies everywhere - especially the older generations - wherever there is the need for an expert or specialist or in engineering or aerospace or computing - they're everywhere - male and female - almost all undiagnosed - just about fitting in and surviving in their niche interest.