Published on 12, July, 2020
On reflection, I think this problem has defined much of my life since childhood. To the point where even now in my late 30s I struggle with interviews, shops or even speaking up infront of family members who often make fun of anything that might give rise to some poor excuse for humour.
Feeling this to such an extreme level, is this normal, does this happen to you? How do you cope with situations where the attention is directed and you, your work, or your life?
I feel you as I've been experiencing performance anxiety since childhood either. If I know that I have to speak up in front of my co-workers, I take Propranolol. It helps me feel calm and relaxed.
I took propanalol years ago and, although it didn't reduce my anxiety to the extent I would have liked, I found it comforting to know I always had some on me, just in case. I did feel, however, as though I was always living on the edge, never far from being rumbled and dismissed from my job, or doing something ridiculous due to nerves that would make me feel my position was untenable. OTC meds such as those containing passiflora or valerian didn't do much either, unless I took the whole jar washed down with alcohol.
I once took a load of frisium when, as a student, I eventually managed to go to the GP due to intense fear of conducting a seminar. Others on the course simply told me that everyone gets nerves and I'd be alright but I knew otherwise - I thought I'd choke or faint or make strange movements or laugh inappropriately before running out. I knew I just couldn't be the centre of everyone's attention for that long so, for the first time, I forced myself to attend the GPs (yes, I also felt extremely nervous about that!). So I took a couple of frisium and they didn't work. So I took more. And more. I somehow got through the seminar (although I did make a couple of statements that caused raised eyebrows) but then kind of collapsed in the next lecture. Head on desk, flopped, some strange notes made that looked as though insects had crawled over the page and completely out of it. I then got blamed for sleeping through a lecture!My long term relationship with alcohol stemmed from my performance anxiety too. That didn't go very well either.
Things which helped, gradually and over time:-
- The aging process! I've calmed down a bit over the decades
- Yoga, meditation, breathwork, visualisation, mindfulness etc
- Changing jobs so I didn't feel so very judged all the time
- Cannabis edibles (although I have to forgo the driving with this one) They do, however, kick in reliably and a single candy, with around 10mg of THC, definitely helps within 1/2 to 3/4 of an hour. If I'd had access to these sooner it might have saved me from nearly destroying myself with alcohol.
- The propanolol only slightly but moreso as a kind of "talisman". I felt safer having the tablets on my person and knowing I could take them at any time often meant I didn't have to.
- Accepting that I'm quite an anxious, nervous person, there are valid reasons for that and I'm OK as I am.
Sigh... It's all been such a long haul, I must confess.