Performance anxiety

Yes, absolutely.  It improved enormously.  I have my autonomy and I'm away from what I consider to be a toxic environment.  I'm also playing my strengths now.  For years I thought I was too sensitive and, indeed, was criticised for it time and time again.  But in counselling it can become a virtue.  Likewise my ability to read body language and often tune in to what people are feeling (I wonder whether years of extreme anxiety and constant vigilence/scanning for threats or even just discord from others honed this skill).  

I can't say that I'm never triggered, but that it's become a lot less likely and, if I am, then what I'm experiencing can sometimes be used to good advantage with my clients.  If something in what they're saying (or even almost palpably holding back on) triggers me, then it's often useful to mention it to see what unfolds and what can be explored.  What triggers me very often turns out to be what's triggering them too. 

Generally, though one really advantageous thing about being in the role of "helper" is that it shifts my focus away from my own concerns and anxieties so that, after a session, I feel uplifted too.            

I have a similar dilemma at the moment with work. It's great you finally did it though. Well done !  I'd value your input. May I ask if your mental health improved after your career change and are you ever triggered in your new role ?

I agree, but then I ask I think if you had known maybe you wouldn't have forced yourself through the issues and potentially settled for struggling  without work? The figure of only 15% of people on the spectrum being in employment is a frightening statistic.

But I also think the fact that society of willing to let that be the case says a lot about the world of the NT in general; if it doesn't effect you directly then why concern yourself with it.

Hats off for getting to where you have. I'm a way off being in a good place with work, but feel proud I've made it this far with all the issues and the chronic illness. At least there is some self pride there

I'm not sure I actually have that quality in that I only became "brave" once the financial risks were very much reduced.  I also had a couple of redundancy payments in my back pocket so I could invest in retraining (and it would also be illuminating to zoom in on the reasons I often found myself at the top of the redundancy list). 

Still, for me the suffering caused in my PAYE employment was slowly destroying me, even though, from school onwards, it seemed like the "easy", well-trodden route and, because of my decent academic performace, I somehow expected to become a huge success.  It took me a long time to realise that the old assumption that hard work and application will pay off wasn't working for me and would probably lead to my early demise.  Even longer to realise that I'm autistic and that none of the almost continual attempts to "improve" or "fix" myself were going to help.  Basically an ounce of self acceptance would have saved me a ton of futile striving.             

I'm always impressed by people brave enough to venture into working for themselves.    I know that I couldn't take the pressure and uncertainty so I stuck with PAYE employment - the 'easy' route but suffering from working with others.

Ah, once the mortgage finally got paid off, I gradually moved from full time to part time work, taking courses in the time released from this and retraining as a counsellor.  There is a small but growing market for counsellors specialising in neurodiversity.  So...   1:1 work I can do.  Anything requiring working in open plan offices, most large organisations, going out and about to find or service clients, basically putting myself out there and meeting heads of departments, project leaders, managers and other corporate types is not for me.  It drains my batteries and, after repeated attempts at recharging over the years, they now go flat again in a very short time.  

Contrast this with working from home, over Zoom or (in more "normal" times) from my own room or office space, on my own terms and I turn into someone who can actually manage.  I'm not saying I make a huge income, mind.  I'm older and my needs are now quite few.  But it's pointless even entertaining the thought of getting "out there", forging business links, liaising with HR departments and team leaders etc because all of this would make me ill.  

One thing that would have helped would have been knowing I was autistic from the start.  I ended up working in places where i never should have been.  I suppose I could say it's been an education, but it's also damaged me and, I think, exacerbated an ongoing chronic illness.  It feels like such a pity I had to find out the hard way.  My aim now is to reduce the damage in myself and others and, wherever possible, move on to create more workable options.       

Yes, the self employment grew out of my need to protect myself from typical workplace environments.  Mental health was definitely a factor but working on myself while the environment remained unchanged did very little for me.  Radical change was the only answer but I needed to feel secure about my finances before I could make that move.  The mortgage still needed to be paid.  

I say Bravo go you both! Yes, an allergy to the corporate world is probably an accurate description of how I feel. Difference for me as a designer is that I am often brought into companies that want to evolve their culture, but there is a big gap between wanting to and being willing to. So I'm often met with a lot of old skool management which doesn't act progressively enough to allow themselves to evolve with the new ideas. I find it exhausting and I'm now sick again.

I was self employed for 5 years as a freelancer, but I found the inconsistency of looking for and finding enough work was stressful in a different way. I ended up not knowing anyone particularly well because I was only there for such a short time for each project, so lost my sense of connection to anything at that time.

How did you manage to be self employed and stable with income? Having a salary during the pandemic has been vital it turns out, but still have all the problems that go with it, feels like a double edged sword and I'm over it tbh

Self employment & autism are def a win:win. I'm back to self-employment after working corporate for a short time of 1 yr. I was self-employed before that for 10 yrs. I thought going back, to increase my income for a short-time would be that bad...it's 2019, business environments had surely improved? Nope....there can be some serious mental illness that exists there that affects people like us. That's why I got into change management....to improve people issues, as well as processes. Everyone deserves to be themselves, happy & healthy in a work environment. People are not there to be robots or be abused. BRAVO that you made it out!

JT said:

I've had a pretty successful career, presenting to boardrooms full of people, and carried big projects through to delivery. All the time, underneath, in introverted anxious agony. Nobody knew. Some of my peers even use me as a reference point of what confidence looks like.

But this has all led to silently developing a chronic inflammatory condition that I have always known was probably due. Isolated from any friends I made over the years, it's only now, 10 years into this illness, I'm starting to face the facts that I've been masking.

Me too - I'm a chartered engineer - working at the highest levels of a huge multi-national - developed ulcerative colitis over 20 years ago.   Carried on like a good soldier.   Diagnosed aspie almost 10 years later in my 40s after chronic mask-failure.  

I have always tended to brazen it out until needing to totally retreat.  It felt as though I could never admit to what I was feeling inside and that, especially in the workplace, pretending to be confident and extravert was an essential defence.  I had to throw people off the scent because otherwise I didn't think I could survive in the workplace and I needed the money.  Admitting to anxiety only led to typical comments about seeking help, everyone getting "butterflies", desensitisation techniques and other strategies that, of course, I'd investigated long ago.  So I stopped doing it and carried on, feeling as though I was "walking the plank", getting further and further out and more and more wobbly until I had to take time off sick - obviously for a physical problem as owning up to anxiety would have contributed to me being bounced out of my job, one way or another.  

It basically felt as though it was unacceptable to be myself and the only point at which things got better was when I was able to leave my well-paying job and do something more aligned with my interests.  I would go so far as to say that I'm "allergic" to the corporate world, hierarchies and office politics.  Self employment works much better for me, but I had to reach a certain point in life to feel able to do this.  I also had to realise that I'm autistic and reflect on the role of masking in my life.  

I've had a pretty successful career, presenting to boardrooms full of people, and carried big projects through to delivery. All the time, underneath, in introverted anxious agony. Nobody knew. Some of my peers even use me as a reference point of what confidence looks like.

But this has all led to silently developing a chronic inflammatory condition that I have always known was probably due. Isolated from any friends I made over the years, it's only now, 10 years into this illness, I'm starting to face the facts that I've been masking.

To be weak in my family was never allowed, to talk openly about anything like this was even less tolerated. My folks just turn silent and walk the other way. It's a shame, as I'm now a father and I realise that's the damaging behavioural pattern I now need to break to help my son grow up openly aware and accepting of all his traits.

I feel like being angry at the NT world, but also know I can try to adjust aspects myself to open up the ND traits I have to at least let people in a bit before I decide they are/are not helping things. It's so hard to figure out though

I have always struggled with that myself. In exams for example I'd be so overcome with anxiety I would repeat the same questions over and over and over again.  I could have done more questions if I hadn't done that :) . If you find out please let me know

is it normal ? ---- for autistics its pretty common but your level is at the extreme end. for example you should be ok with family members ( mostly ) 

I think you need help with socialising (As do I ! ) 

How I cope  with attention on me ---- i suffer from this,,,, so  i cant give u advice apart from "Relax".   I mean practise relaxation techniques ( usually breathing techniques ) to relax and then apply them just before any such occasion. If it gets too much withdraw/ go to the loo apply relaxation technique and return to try for a short period. Repeat making the time of interaction longer and longer.

if you are are making people laugh ----- thats a good thing people see you as fun/positive and they are relaxing in your presence ( I hope )  

If you've had the foundations of your confidence knocked out from under you from an early age, it's not surprising that this causes you anxiety.

The content of the attention or conversation is paramount - if it's technical, there's no emotional content - it's just a data-transfer so it's easy - if you're speaking from an emotional basis, you are having to create the conversation in real-time so it's harder and more likely to make mistakes as you're producing data on the fly.

You could practice with friends talking about your pet subject - get the jaw lubricated and see how it goes.