Published on 12, July, 2020
On reflection, I think this problem has defined much of my life since childhood. To the point where even now in my late 30s I struggle with interviews, shops or even speaking up infront of family members who often make fun of anything that might give rise to some poor excuse for humour.
Feeling this to such an extreme level, is this normal, does this happen to you? How do you cope with situations where the attention is directed and you, your work, or your life?
I say Bravo go you both! Yes, an allergy to the corporate world is probably an accurate description of how I feel. Difference for me as a designer is that I am often brought into companies that want to evolve their culture, but there is a big gap between wanting to and being willing to. So I'm often met with a lot of old skool management which doesn't act progressively enough to allow themselves to evolve with the new ideas. I find it exhausting and I'm now sick again.
I was self employed for 5 years as a freelancer, but I found the inconsistency of looking for and finding enough work was stressful in a different way. I ended up not knowing anyone particularly well because I was only there for such a short time for each project, so lost my sense of connection to anything at that time.
How did you manage to be self employed and stable with income? Having a salary during the pandemic has been vital it turns out, but still have all the problems that go with it, feels like a double edged sword and I'm over it tbh
Warning....this is a little loooooooong. JT
The place I left has some really negative & badly entrenched mental models (anti-disability, anti-women/minority (I do not throw this out lightly), general bigotry really). I've worked in numerous industries/large corporations since I was 16 years old, including running a successful business for 10 of those years.
This place was a little lawn treatment company. These people were small potatoes.Think bad episode of "melrose place." I had 19 years of experience when I started & I took on more/more bc they were cheap & eventually I burned hardcore trying to balance what should have been 2 peoples' jobs. I took it, because I was crossing over from the beauty industry back to business administration. I ignored the red flags I saw, even before my 1st day. I will not make that mistake again...I should've listened to my gut, that's the real lesson. Just a couple examples....
-the owner/my boss, said if he can't get ahold of me via phone, he'll just show up at my house.
-I had to remind them about our salary negotiation 6-month agreement & it took 1 month of 4 really stressful meetings to get them to go up $7400
-according to the CEO "the best it's ever been with their financials & HR-side" but any PTO more than a day wouldn't be approved (they only gave 10 days/yr)
-I saved them $300k in 2 quarters
-Rectified 3 employees who had been wrongly disqualified/discriminated against for their LEGAL ADHD medication.....
But they didn't care about me, I was disposable. I asked to work from home for just 2 months & they refused. Their company was doing great and I put way too much in. I built an HR dept from scratch & ran accounts payable & other responsibilities related to ops, but they wouldn't give me an HR title(at the very least)--the owner called himself HR. President/Owner/HR--not a conflict of interest, no lol.
There was alot of really stupid mind games & the son was jealous of the good working relationship I had with his dad/CEO & oddly the success I had/that he was directly benefiting from. It was a family owned business & there was some mental illness with gaslighting & actual yelling. My anxiety became so bad, my hands began trembling/jumping up when someone knocked on my door... led to meltdowns after work, that started escalating & I was stimming/picking a hole in the side of my temple-giving myself headaches. It caused alot of friction between me & husband, bc I let him quit his job to finish school---I just couldn't see "how" I could quit. After a while though, I was like...."I'd rather live in a car, then work at this job--it is crushing my spirit." If I had listened to my gut, I'd have quit sooner. Lesson=Trust your gut.