Performance anxiety

I say Bravo go you both! Yes, an allergy to the corporate world is probably an accurate description of how I feel. Difference for me as a designer is that I am often brought into companies that want to evolve their culture, but there is a big gap between wanting to and being willing to. So I'm often met with a lot of old skool management which doesn't act progressively enough to allow themselves to evolve with the new ideas. I find it exhausting and I'm now sick again.

I was self employed for 5 years as a freelancer, but I found the inconsistency of looking for and finding enough work was stressful in a different way. I ended up not knowing anyone particularly well because I was only there for such a short time for each project, so lost my sense of connection to anything at that time.

How did you manage to be self employed and stable with income? Having a salary during the pandemic has been vital it turns out, but still have all the problems that go with it, feels like a double edged sword and I'm over it tbh

Ah, once the mortgage finally got paid off, I gradually moved from full time to part time work, taking courses in the time released from this and retraining as a counsellor.  There is a small but growing market for counsellors specialising in neurodiversity.  So...   1:1 work I can do.  Anything requiring working in open plan offices, most large organisations, going out and about to find or service clients, basically putting myself out there and meeting heads of departments, project leaders, managers and other corporate types is not for me.  It drains my batteries and, after repeated attempts at recharging over the years, they now go flat again in a very short time.  

Contrast this with working from home, over Zoom or (in more "normal" times) from my own room or office space, on my own terms and I turn into someone who can actually manage.  I'm not saying I make a huge income, mind.  I'm older and my needs are now quite few.  But it's pointless even entertaining the thought of getting "out there", forging business links, liaising with HR departments and team leaders etc because all of this would make me ill.  

One thing that would have helped would have been knowing I was autistic from the start.  I ended up working in places where i never should have been.  I suppose I could say it's been an education, but it's also damaged me and, I think, exacerbated an ongoing chronic illness.  It feels like such a pity I had to find out the hard way.  My aim now is to reduce the damage in myself and others and, wherever possible, move on to create more workable options.       

I have a similar dilemma at the moment with work. It's great you finally did it though. Well done !  I'd value your input. May I ask if your mental health improved after your career change and are you ever triggered in your new role ?

Thanks for taking the time to reply. That's wonderful ! It must have felt like a very heavy load being lifted. It's nice to hear this. It has helped. 

Thanks again.

Yes, absolutely.  It improved enormously.  I have my autonomy and I'm away from what I consider to be a toxic environment.  I'm also playing my strengths now.  For years I thought I was too sensitive and, indeed, was criticised for it time and time again.  But in counselling it can become a virtue.  Likewise my ability to read body language and often tune in to what people are feeling (I wonder whether years of extreme anxiety and constant vigilence/scanning for threats or even just discord from others honed this skill).  

I can't say that I'm never triggered, but that it's become a lot less likely and, if I am, then what I'm experiencing can sometimes be used to good advantage with my clients.  If something in what they're saying (or even almost palpably holding back on) triggers me, then it's often useful to mention it to see what unfolds and what can be explored.  What triggers me very often turns out to be what's triggering them too. 

Generally, though one really advantageous thing about being in the role of "helper" is that it shifts my focus away from my own concerns and anxieties so that, after a session, I feel uplifted too.            

Yes, absolutely.  It improved enormously.  I have my autonomy and I'm away from what I consider to be a toxic environment.  I'm also playing my strengths now.  For years I thought I was too sensitive and, indeed, was criticised for it time and time again.  But in counselling it can become a virtue.  Likewise my ability to read body language and often tune in to what people are feeling (I wonder whether years of extreme anxiety and constant vigilence/scanning for threats or even just discord from others honed this skill).  

I can't say that I'm never triggered, but that it's become a lot less likely and, if I am, then what I'm experiencing can sometimes be used to good advantage with my clients.  If something in what they're saying (or even almost palpably holding back on) triggers me, then it's often useful to mention it to see what unfolds and what can be explored.  What triggers me very often turns out to be what's triggering them too. 

Generally, though one really advantageous thing about being in the role of "helper" is that it shifts my focus away from my own concerns and anxieties so that, after a session, I feel uplifted too.            

Thanks for taking the time to reply. That's wonderful ! It must have felt like a very heavy load being lifted. It's nice to hear this. It has helped. 

Thanks again.