Are you a parent?

I'm very sorry to hear about your first daughter. How horrific. You've done very well not to completely collapse but to have more children

I agree about the theme of change and unpredictability- it is so frightening when things change so rapidly and it's so unfamiliar. I was terrified of giving birth, terrified of being a mother and I had zero reassurance from anyone- not my mum, my sisters in law, my mother in law, no one. I was too ill to go to antenatal classes and meet other pregnant women (but in hindsight that was probably good.) I didn't get on well at all with post natal groups, I was bullied and ostracised. No idea why. The other mums were super, super competitive and put me and my baby down all the time.

I had a fairly normal birth, we went home the next day and my daughter was a healthy, happy baby. I got postnatal depression and quite by chance got an appointment with the women's health specialist. God bless her. She saved my life with treatment. But it was just luck that I met her, not through support.

I was basically left to cope, with a few visits from midwives and health visitors. 

Then it got worse because my daughter had horrendous sickness for about 5 years until they discovered she had severe dairy intolerance. So we were constantly rushing her to hospital to be rehydrated after she was so sick she ended up throwing up blood. She was so little, so pale, so sick, so weak. It was absolutely horrific, I got so stressed and exhausted. If I'd had anywhere to run to, I would have run away, but I didn't have anywhere so I fought through it. 

She is fine now I'm relieved to say and the last time we had to rush her to hospital was 5 years ago. Life is more normal now but it's been a very bumpy road.

I wonder if I'd had the autism diagnosis I may have got more support. As it was, it was just a long saga of terror and confusion.

The specsavers link says to not use ear plugs as it can make sensitivity worse. I have ordered some of the flare ones so I will see how they go. 

M said:

Have you tried these? They come up on my targeted adds a lot but they seem expensive for something so small.

I have not tried them as I learnt to filter sound myself by focusing on background noise and the spaces between words as a focal distraction ~ as I can when stressed get a bit overwhelmed by lots of different types and layers of sound overloading me rather than by frequencies so much, whereas you seem very much to suffer from what can referred to as misophonia, selective sound sensitivity syndrome, hyperacusis or some such. I have though met and written with others who have the very same issues you describe and hence me passing on suppliers for the sort of things they go for. 

I did though phone a friend today who has a friend I have met who uses the much cheaper earbud options that cost between £3 to £6 from most chemists, which basically reduce the midrange (voice) frequencies very well apparently and make things in general more bearable ~ without costing loads and are not as such upsetting to lose or difficult to replace.

Also such earbuds can be revitalised a number of times by washing them under a hot tap with antibacterial washing-up liquid, keeping in mind the earwax thing. I did not think to ask if the washing up liquid is an essential ingredient in the revitalisation process, or whether any antibacterial soap will work, but if I recall I will ask next time I get the opportunity.

Here also follows a link listing from this site from other community members with hypersensitive hearing issues:

community.autism.org.uk/search

If you fancy an infranet trawl here with user feedback rather than on the great expanse of internet perhaps.

Just as extra also ~ maybe read the following Specsavers advice on hyperacusis and how to deal with it potentially:

https://www.specsavers.co.uk/hearing/ear-health/hyperacusis

This is a tricky question to answer really. My first pregnancy I was anxious, convinced something was going to go wrong and unfortunately it did. At my 20 week scan I discovered my daughter had serious heart defects and I was advised to end the pregnancy, so she was born at 22 weeks asleep after various cardiology scans and tests. 

My second pregnant was probably understandably stressful and I dreaded any appointments. I was always crying. I had a healthy baby though and then the real problems started. I cried all the time, struggling with her demands such as the crying and breastfeeding. I felt like I HAD to enjoy motherhood after my experience and I put a huge amount of pressure on myself. I really didn't enjoy at least the first 6 months of motherhood though and I felt huge anxiety just leaving the house. It was a relief to go back to work and get away from her. I did make some friends but to be honest I saw them on the same day of the week, at the same time at a play group, and it was easy to be quiet and just listen if I didn't want to speak. They're an odd bunch of women in that we don't really have much in common, but we still meet once or twice a year for a curry. The conversations are always the same.

My third pregnancy I was more anxious than ever during the pregnancy, both about something going wrong and the postnatal depression that I thought I would experience. I broke down several times at work and to my midwife and ended up being referred for CBT. I didnt really fine CBT particularly helpful but I did complete the 6 weeks or whatever it was. I was still anxious about the aftermath of birth but I found I actually enjoyed my youngest daughter more. I put this down to the fact that it wasn't as big a change to my life this time. I expected to be woken up, to have to feed her a lot, to know when life would start to get easier etc. 

Both my girls were born by emergency c-section. My eldest was discovered to be breech the day before I went into labour so I was expecting a planned section at the end of the week but I went into labour on Tuesday so it became emergency. I was devastated that my "plan" of a hypnobirth was completely thrown out of the window when I discovered that she was breech so I cried all day and night before I went into labour. 

The youngest just wasn't a smooth birth and her heart rate was dropping during contractions. I was less upset at having a c-section with her because I'd done it before and again, I knew what I could expect.

In hindsight, all my problems with pregnancy, childbirth and parenting all revolve around the common theme of unpredictability and change beyond my control. With my newfound knowledge of autism, it isnt really surprising that my experience of parenting my youngest daughter was happier. The only downside is of course the demands of the noise, especially now they are old enough to argue with each other. 

Honestly, many days I think why did I want to be a parent and I don't really know the answer. Maybe just to be normal? Following a conventional path in life? I do love my girls but I wish time away because I want them to be quieter!!! I think this is wishful thinking though because they'll have their own kids by the time they start being quiet and then they'll expect me to babysit. 

Have you tried these? They come up on my targeted adds a lot but they seem expensive for something so small.

Yes, I have a 15 year old daughter who was also diagnosed with autism in the same month as me! Totally independent journeys to the diagnosis though.

Just say 'I love you' to your children regularly, clearly and genuinely. That's all it takes.

Also, whatever stage they're at, they grow out of it if you just hang on. My daughter was so lovely between the ages of 8-10.

May I ask how your pregnancies were? Mine was so horrendous, I was alone at home sick for most of the 9 months. I didn't have any friends or neighbours I knew so it was terrifying. Socialising with my baby/toddler was horrendous afterwards, the other mums bullied me and I struggled to make friends. All those reasons are why I never had any more children. I needed far more support than I got, which was virtually zero. My husband did his best but he had a full time job and I was basically an invalid. His family didn't help. My mum was angry and jealous. So it was a horrific time.

M said:

I also feel an aversion to their voices if they speak too loud or too much.

"Made from silicone, Calmer sits barely visible in the user’s ear and cleverly reduces the ‘unpleasant’ audio frequencies known to cause most stress (think babies crying, children shrieking, traffic sirens and chairs scraping along hard floors), perfect for anyone who lives or works with children.

The device offers a natural way to reduce today’s barrage of environmental noise stressors, and the negative impact they have on our mental and physical well-being. Calmer diminishes mid and high frequency distortions which trigger the human ‘fight or flight’ response. While experts say this response was a vital part of our evolution to alert us to the slightest sound or threat, it is an overactive mechanism in today’s modern world where we no longer need to be alert to the snap of a twig, and this added resonance is loading us with unnecessary stress.

Living in the fight or flight mode for much of daily life results in increased cortisone levels, a reduced vagus nerve function, and high stress and anxiety levels.  We’re so used to the barrage of unpleasant audio bombarding our ears on a daily basis we don’t realise just how much these sounds put us on edge.  When first wearing Calmer you’d be forgiven for not noticing much change, but after wearing the device then removing it, you immediately see what a huge difference it makes.

You can still hear every sound, but the unpleasant edge is taken off sharp noises. Calmer provides a mellowness; removing the anxiety inducing properties of our surroundings and resulting in a calmer environment."

https://www.flareaudio.com/blogs/press/calmer-a-breakthrough-solution-for-school-and-home

lawrence said:

I have been autistic since a child but never diagnosed. My son is 15 and it seemed we had a loving relationship until recenty. Now I cant relate to him, he cant relate to me. I ask him to do somehting, he says no. I ask where somehting is, he ignores me or says something that gets me angry. I feel like a failure at being a dad.

Dude ~ you are as such totally succeeding as a dad, as your son's 'preadolescent' will-to-power has gone from wanting to be as big, strong and clever as you involving parental allegiance ~ to 'adolescent' will-to-power as involves being bigger, stronger and clever than you via teenage rebellion ~ as a precursor for individual autonomy, and making his own way into the world.

Basically the hypertensions and moods at home lead to staying at other peoples places and then their own place and all that and thereafter.

Anyway, rather than excessively stressing out about your sons teenage rebellion ~ get wise to it instead perhaps by reading the entirety of the following step-by-step stage-by-stage what and wherefor article:

Rebellion in Late Adolescence (15-18)

Many high-school rebellions I see occur as a result of delayed adolescence, the young person dramatically rebelling at last to liberate himself or herself from childhood dependency on parental approval for always being the "good child."

For example, only children are often slower to separate from parents because of strong attachment and protracted holding on by both sides. Finally in high school these young people, with graduation into more independence looming, may need to initiate late-stage rebellions to get the separation, differentiation, and autonomy they need to undertake this next momentous step.

This is painful and scary for parents. At this older age, risk taking can be more dangerous, while they miss the loss of closeness and compatibility with their son or daughter that they have enjoyed for so many years.

What parents need to remember at this point is that the young person is just as scared and pained as they are. So their job is to allow more independence while expecting commensurate responsibility, staying empathetic during disagreements, and providing calm and clear guidance about any significant risk taking that may going on.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/surviving-your-childs-adolescence/200912/rebel-cause-rebellion-in-adolescence

They aren't actually loud very often, I just don't like to hear them much more than anything. My friend has a little boy is ten times louder than my children and his voice seems to really make me wince. I don't like to be near him at all. 

I’m 21 and I have a 2 year old I get what you mean sadly we aren’t allowed pets so I can’t stroke anything but I often hate the sounds she makes still offer them hugs when you feel like it half the time kids don’t want allot of that well I can’t speak for all I guess it depends, I try and have fun with my little girl and explain about being loud it hurts peoples ears teach them that you have feelings to eventually they will see and understand xx

repeat post - reported

You can talk to us though and hopefully that helps. I think teenagers are difficult to communicate with at the best of times.

It is happening virtually in my area. I don't know whether this affects the quality of the assessment though.