Are you a parent?

Yes, I have a 15 year old daughter who was also diagnosed with autism in the same month as me! Totally independent journeys to the diagnosis though.

Just say 'I love you' to your children regularly, clearly and genuinely. That's all it takes.

Also, whatever stage they're at, they grow out of it if you just hang on. My daughter was so lovely between the ages of 8-10.

May I ask how your pregnancies were? Mine was so horrendous, I was alone at home sick for most of the 9 months. I didn't have any friends or neighbours I knew so it was terrifying. Socialising with my baby/toddler was horrendous afterwards, the other mums bullied me and I struggled to make friends. All those reasons are why I never had any more children. I needed far more support than I got, which was virtually zero. My husband did his best but he had a full time job and I was basically an invalid. His family didn't help. My mum was angry and jealous. So it was a horrific time.

This is a tricky question to answer really. My first pregnancy I was anxious, convinced something was going to go wrong and unfortunately it did. At my 20 week scan I discovered my daughter had serious heart defects and I was advised to end the pregnancy, so she was born at 22 weeks asleep after various cardiology scans and tests. 

My second pregnant was probably understandably stressful and I dreaded any appointments. I was always crying. I had a healthy baby though and then the real problems started. I cried all the time, struggling with her demands such as the crying and breastfeeding. I felt like I HAD to enjoy motherhood after my experience and I put a huge amount of pressure on myself. I really didn't enjoy at least the first 6 months of motherhood though and I felt huge anxiety just leaving the house. It was a relief to go back to work and get away from her. I did make some friends but to be honest I saw them on the same day of the week, at the same time at a play group, and it was easy to be quiet and just listen if I didn't want to speak. They're an odd bunch of women in that we don't really have much in common, but we still meet once or twice a year for a curry. The conversations are always the same.

My third pregnancy I was more anxious than ever during the pregnancy, both about something going wrong and the postnatal depression that I thought I would experience. I broke down several times at work and to my midwife and ended up being referred for CBT. I didnt really fine CBT particularly helpful but I did complete the 6 weeks or whatever it was. I was still anxious about the aftermath of birth but I found I actually enjoyed my youngest daughter more. I put this down to the fact that it wasn't as big a change to my life this time. I expected to be woken up, to have to feed her a lot, to know when life would start to get easier etc. 

Both my girls were born by emergency c-section. My eldest was discovered to be breech the day before I went into labour so I was expecting a planned section at the end of the week but I went into labour on Tuesday so it became emergency. I was devastated that my "plan" of a hypnobirth was completely thrown out of the window when I discovered that she was breech so I cried all day and night before I went into labour. 

The youngest just wasn't a smooth birth and her heart rate was dropping during contractions. I was less upset at having a c-section with her because I'd done it before and again, I knew what I could expect.

In hindsight, all my problems with pregnancy, childbirth and parenting all revolve around the common theme of unpredictability and change beyond my control. With my newfound knowledge of autism, it isnt really surprising that my experience of parenting my youngest daughter was happier. The only downside is of course the demands of the noise, especially now they are old enough to argue with each other. 

Honestly, many days I think why did I want to be a parent and I don't really know the answer. Maybe just to be normal? Following a conventional path in life? I do love my girls but I wish time away because I want them to be quieter!!! I think this is wishful thinking though because they'll have their own kids by the time they start being quiet and then they'll expect me to babysit. 

This is a tricky question to answer really. My first pregnancy I was anxious, convinced something was going to go wrong and unfortunately it did. At my 20 week scan I discovered my daughter had serious heart defects and I was advised to end the pregnancy, so she was born at 22 weeks asleep after various cardiology scans and tests. 

My second pregnant was probably understandably stressful and I dreaded any appointments. I was always crying. I had a healthy baby though and then the real problems started. I cried all the time, struggling with her demands such as the crying and breastfeeding. I felt like I HAD to enjoy motherhood after my experience and I put a huge amount of pressure on myself. I really didn't enjoy at least the first 6 months of motherhood though and I felt huge anxiety just leaving the house. It was a relief to go back to work and get away from her. I did make some friends but to be honest I saw them on the same day of the week, at the same time at a play group, and it was easy to be quiet and just listen if I didn't want to speak. They're an odd bunch of women in that we don't really have much in common, but we still meet once or twice a year for a curry. The conversations are always the same.

My third pregnancy I was more anxious than ever during the pregnancy, both about something going wrong and the postnatal depression that I thought I would experience. I broke down several times at work and to my midwife and ended up being referred for CBT. I didnt really fine CBT particularly helpful but I did complete the 6 weeks or whatever it was. I was still anxious about the aftermath of birth but I found I actually enjoyed my youngest daughter more. I put this down to the fact that it wasn't as big a change to my life this time. I expected to be woken up, to have to feed her a lot, to know when life would start to get easier etc. 

Both my girls were born by emergency c-section. My eldest was discovered to be breech the day before I went into labour so I was expecting a planned section at the end of the week but I went into labour on Tuesday so it became emergency. I was devastated that my "plan" of a hypnobirth was completely thrown out of the window when I discovered that she was breech so I cried all day and night before I went into labour. 

The youngest just wasn't a smooth birth and her heart rate was dropping during contractions. I was less upset at having a c-section with her because I'd done it before and again, I knew what I could expect.

In hindsight, all my problems with pregnancy, childbirth and parenting all revolve around the common theme of unpredictability and change beyond my control. With my newfound knowledge of autism, it isnt really surprising that my experience of parenting my youngest daughter was happier. The only downside is of course the demands of the noise, especially now they are old enough to argue with each other. 

Honestly, many days I think why did I want to be a parent and I don't really know the answer. Maybe just to be normal? Following a conventional path in life? I do love my girls but I wish time away because I want them to be quieter!!! I think this is wishful thinking though because they'll have their own kids by the time they start being quiet and then they'll expect me to babysit. 

the app told me to go here  ----  i have no idea why  but it was funny 

It's an old post! Where have you been?! 

i nearly choked on my weetbix when i read this :) lmao

I think I just like the good old female orgasm personally... not really interested in more kids but can't see myself stopping enjoying orgasms just because I can't have children any more.  

I work with older adults and couples in their 70s and 80s are still sexually active sometimes and they're definitely not interested in having more children. 

M said:

I'm not sure I've ever felt the drive in that way like some people describe it. Certainly not when I was 22 when I first had children. I'd been sexually active for a long time prior to that too. Maybe some women just don't feel it. I have a lot of friends who don't want children at all and although rude people tell them they'll change their mind, I'm pretty sure that they won't. 

When people desire sex they are feeling the reproductive body-clock to a lesser extent, and those that desire children are doing so to a greater extent ~ with people in general feeling to lesser or greater degrees negative, positive or neutral about having or not having sex itself ~ or also about having or not having one or more children.

Most people I have known are in the family way, but I have never been in a relationship with anyone long enough to join in with that way of life myself. I have though known a few who said they did not want to get pregnant ~ but did anyway, and I have known a small few who really regretted not so doing. Such is the variety of life.

This is how my first pregnancy happened. I was very naive really, just expecting a happy family to happen for me. 

I accepted your friend request but I didnt get to read the message properly as I clicked accept in haste, and I can't send you a private message. 

My husband and I thought that we didn't want to reach 60 or something and end up thinking 'we COULD have had children. But we didn't even try.' We knew we'd be super disappointed in that case. So we just decided to stop all contraception and see what happened. Nothing happened for a year so we'd just thought 'oh well, we aren't going to get a child.' Then suddenly BINGO! I was pregnant.

So I wasn't in any way prepared to have a child, it was a bit of a silly gamble. But I'm glad we've got her now, she is a delight and we feel like we won't get old with any regrets.

Yes, even my mum said 'they all end up the same anyway so who cares what age they walk and talk at?' We don't see non-disabled adults still in nappies unable to talk, do we? I think I just got in with a competitive bunch of 'professional women'- a police officer, a headteacher, a lawyer, a doctor etc- who looked down on me, a teaching assistant. I hate that sort of one-upmanship.

You didn't score highly enough! WTF. Motherhood is a life changing event. I know it's a normal biological function but it's scary when it happens to you. We should all get support. One of the questions should be: "Have you got a wide network of support with supportive friends and family?" If not, we need support. In the 21st century there isn't the network of mothers, grandmothers, sisters, aunts, cousins that women throughout history have had.

I read that only 50% of westerners have children now. So the basic understanding of parenting is declining and many people don't have any sympathy or concept of how hard parenting is. Whereas for most of history, nearly everyone had children so nearly everyone understood.

It's hard to know whether it would have been better with or without a diagnosis isn't it.

Thanks for your support and understanding. Before I became a mum, I had no friends that were parents so they had no clue what it was like.

Deepthought said:

In western society most definitely yes, very much, as the cost of living is increasing whilst adequate wages and available housing is not, along with the younger generations becoming increasingly concerned about the environment ~ socially and ecologically.

The problem is not really financial at its base - it more about the expected fake Western 'lifestyle' of "having it all" so people waste many years of their fertile and productive years buying expensive phones, leasing cars, having £50k debt for an Ancient Egyptian Dance Theory degree and having gap years and trying to have a 'career' (only 1% ever has a career, the rest just have jobs) and building their facebook and twitter profiles whinging about how they can't afford a massive house in a high-cost area with a huge garden on their minimum wage Deliveroo job.     It's just not fair.

They don't grow up until they are 30+ and time is running out.

They are trying to believe they are cultured beings in total control of their lives and the deny their basic natural life-function to reproduce.

I'm not sure I've ever felt the drive in that way like some people describe it. Certainly not when I was 22 when I first had children. I'd been sexually active for a long time prior to that too. Maybe some women just don't feel it. I have a lot of friends who don't want children at all and although rude people tell them they'll change their mind, I'm pretty sure that they won't. 

M said:

I had my children relatively young compared to many people we know. A lot of our friends are in their 30s and still aren't parents, which is quite common now it seems.

In western society most definitely yes, very much, as the cost of living is increasing whilst adequate wages and available housing is not, along with the younger generations becoming increasingly concerned about the environment ~ socially and ecologically.

M said:

I never waited long enough for my age to worry me as I had my children in my 20s, but I think if I still didn't have any children at my current age (32) then maybe I would feel that pressure now?

Well technically ~ as soon as one starts desiring or liking sexual intercourse ~ one's reproductive body-clock has become not only a drive but also a directional gyroscope that orients one towards the most compatible genetic match, with a person's pheromones and physical build being somewhat of a draw physiologically at least.

The body-clock thing normally gets going around the eleventh year and usually continues until around the forty-fourth to the fifty-fifth years ~ involving the eleven year solar cycles ~ with the menopause of course bringing the reproductive drive aspect to a conclusion.

Usually, if women have not had children before their thirties ~ the biological drive to do so can become quite significant after which, or even if one has had children with an ex partner ~ a new partner can stimulate the reproductive drive once again.

It sounds like you also had a very stressful and upsetting time with pregnancy and parenting too. There are a lot of mums I've struggled to get along with because of that competitive element too. For me, talking about children is boring. Who cares whether they walk at 9 months or 19 months? That's the sort of small talk I just cannot be bothered with even when it isnt competitive. 

In terms of professionals, with my eldest daughter I told her I was really anxious and she just said I didn't score highly enough so I didnt get any support. To be honest I'm surprised I even got support with my youngest child but I think I was so distressed by that point that it was much harder to ignore.

I think you are right about if we were already diagnosed as autistic, but we may have also faced discrimination and negative assumptions too, so perhaps it is also a good thing. 

I had my children relatively young compared to many people we know. A lot of our friends are in their 30s and still aren't parents, which is quite common now it seems. I never waited long enough for my age to worry me as I had my children in my 20s, but I think if I still didn't have any children at my current age (32) then maybe I would feel that pressure now?

M said:

Honestly, many days I think why did I want to be a parent and I don't really know the answer. Maybe just to be normal? Following a conventional path in life?

Have you considered the influence of the "biological-clock" on that one which amounts to the same sort of thing as needing food and water and so on and so fourth, what with the procreation thing being a survival of the species instinct of the body at very least ~ whether the mind is up for it or not!

I'm very sorry to hear about your first daughter. How horrific. You've done very well not to completely collapse but to have more children

I agree about the theme of change and unpredictability- it is so frightening when things change so rapidly and it's so unfamiliar. I was terrified of giving birth, terrified of being a mother and I had zero reassurance from anyone- not my mum, my sisters in law, my mother in law, no one. I was too ill to go to antenatal classes and meet other pregnant women (but in hindsight that was probably good.) I didn't get on well at all with post natal groups, I was bullied and ostracised. No idea why. The other mums were super, super competitive and put me and my baby down all the time.

I had a fairly normal birth, we went home the next day and my daughter was a healthy, happy baby. I got postnatal depression and quite by chance got an appointment with the women's health specialist. God bless her. She saved my life with treatment. But it was just luck that I met her, not through support.

I was basically left to cope, with a few visits from midwives and health visitors. 

Then it got worse because my daughter had horrendous sickness for about 5 years until they discovered she had severe dairy intolerance. So we were constantly rushing her to hospital to be rehydrated after she was so sick she ended up throwing up blood. She was so little, so pale, so sick, so weak. It was absolutely horrific, I got so stressed and exhausted. If I'd had anywhere to run to, I would have run away, but I didn't have anywhere so I fought through it. 

She is fine now I'm relieved to say and the last time we had to rush her to hospital was 5 years ago. Life is more normal now but it's been a very bumpy road.

I wonder if I'd had the autism diagnosis I may have got more support. As it was, it was just a long saga of terror and confusion.