Published on 12, July, 2020
I'm interested if other people are parents. I have two daughters, age 3 and 7. They are part of what prompted me to speak to my GP about autism as I found myself often being very blunt and cold towards them. My 7yr old told her dad that I love my dog more than her because I give it more attention. I do find stroking my dog soothing, whereas I really struggle with my children trying to grab me all the time. I also feel an aversion to their voices if they speak too loud or too much. It feels so horrible to say that as I do love my children. I can't stand being around young children generally because of the noises that they make, so it isnt just my own children. My 3yr old also told her childminder that I don't like her sitting on my knee, which is true but it sounds absolutely awful when she says it to other people so I just laughed it off.
I dont want my children to think I don't love them.
Yes, I have a 15 year old daughter who was also diagnosed with autism in the same month as me! Totally independent journeys to the diagnosis though.
Just say 'I love you' to your children regularly, clearly and genuinely. That's all it takes.
Also, whatever stage they're at, they grow out of it if you just hang on. My daughter was so lovely between the ages of 8-10.
May I ask how your pregnancies were? Mine was so horrendous, I was alone at home sick for most of the 9 months. I didn't have any friends or neighbours I knew so it was terrifying. Socialising with my baby/toddler was horrendous afterwards, the other mums bullied me and I struggled to make friends. All those reasons are why I never had any more children. I needed far more support than I got, which was virtually zero. My husband did his best but he had a full time job and I was basically an invalid. His family didn't help. My mum was angry and jealous. So it was a horrific time.
This is a tricky question to answer really. My first pregnancy I was anxious, convinced something was going to go wrong and unfortunately it did. At my 20 week scan I discovered my daughter had serious heart defects and I was advised to end the pregnancy, so she was born at 22 weeks asleep after various cardiology scans and tests.
My second pregnant was probably understandably stressful and I dreaded any appointments. I was always crying. I had a healthy baby though and then the real problems started. I cried all the time, struggling with her demands such as the crying and breastfeeding. I felt like I HAD to enjoy motherhood after my experience and I put a huge amount of pressure on myself. I really didn't enjoy at least the first 6 months of motherhood though and I felt huge anxiety just leaving the house. It was a relief to go back to work and get away from her. I did make some friends but to be honest I saw them on the same day of the week, at the same time at a play group, and it was easy to be quiet and just listen if I didn't want to speak. They're an odd bunch of women in that we don't really have much in common, but we still meet once or twice a year for a curry. The conversations are always the same.
My third pregnancy I was more anxious than ever during the pregnancy, both about something going wrong and the postnatal depression that I thought I would experience. I broke down several times at work and to my midwife and ended up being referred for CBT. I didnt really fine CBT particularly helpful but I did complete the 6 weeks or whatever it was. I was still anxious about the aftermath of birth but I found I actually enjoyed my youngest daughter more. I put this down to the fact that it wasn't as big a change to my life this time. I expected to be woken up, to have to feed her a lot, to know when life would start to get easier etc.
Both my girls were born by emergency c-section. My eldest was discovered to be breech the day before I went into labour so I was expecting a planned section at the end of the week but I went into labour on Tuesday so it became emergency. I was devastated that my "plan" of a hypnobirth was completely thrown out of the window when I discovered that she was breech so I cried all day and night before I went into labour.
The youngest just wasn't a smooth birth and her heart rate was dropping during contractions. I was less upset at having a c-section with her because I'd done it before and again, I knew what I could expect.
In hindsight, all my problems with pregnancy, childbirth and parenting all revolve around the common theme of unpredictability and change beyond my control. With my newfound knowledge of autism, it isnt really surprising that my experience of parenting my youngest daughter was happier. The only downside is of course the demands of the noise, especially now they are old enough to argue with each other.
Honestly, many days I think why did I want to be a parent and I don't really know the answer. Maybe just to be normal? Following a conventional path in life? I do love my girls but I wish time away because I want them to be quieter!!! I think this is wishful thinking though because they'll have their own kids by the time they start being quiet and then they'll expect me to babysit.
I'm very sorry to hear about your first daughter. How horrific. You've done very well not to completely collapse but to have more children
I agree about the theme of change and unpredictability- it is so frightening when things change so rapidly and it's so unfamiliar. I was terrified of giving birth, terrified of being a mother and I had zero reassurance from anyone- not my mum, my sisters in law, my mother in law, no one. I was too ill to go to antenatal classes and meet other pregnant women (but in hindsight that was probably good.) I didn't get on well at all with post natal groups, I was bullied and ostracised. No idea why. The other mums were super, super competitive and put me and my baby down all the time.
I had a fairly normal birth, we went home the next day and my daughter was a healthy, happy baby. I got postnatal depression and quite by chance got an appointment with the women's health specialist. God bless her. She saved my life with treatment. But it was just luck that I met her, not through support.
I was basically left to cope, with a few visits from midwives and health visitors.
Then it got worse because my daughter had horrendous sickness for about 5 years until they discovered she had severe dairy intolerance. So we were constantly rushing her to hospital to be rehydrated after she was so sick she ended up throwing up blood. She was so little, so pale, so sick, so weak. It was absolutely horrific, I got so stressed and exhausted. If I'd had anywhere to run to, I would have run away, but I didn't have anywhere so I fought through it.
She is fine now I'm relieved to say and the last time we had to rush her to hospital was 5 years ago. Life is more normal now but it's been a very bumpy road.
I wonder if I'd had the autism diagnosis I may have got more support. As it was, it was just a long saga of terror and confusion.
Yes, even my mum said 'they all end up the same anyway so who cares what age they walk and talk at?' We don't see non-disabled adults still in nappies unable to talk, do we? I think I just got in with a competitive bunch of 'professional women'- a police officer, a headteacher, a lawyer, a doctor etc- who looked down on me, a teaching assistant. I hate that sort of one-upmanship.
You didn't score highly enough! WTF. Motherhood is a life changing event. I know it's a normal biological function but it's scary when it happens to you. We should all get support. One of the questions should be: "Have you got a wide network of support with supportive friends and family?" If not, we need support. In the 21st century there isn't the network of mothers, grandmothers, sisters, aunts, cousins that women throughout history have had.
I read that only 50% of westerners have children now. So the basic understanding of parenting is declining and many people don't have any sympathy or concept of how hard parenting is. Whereas for most of history, nearly everyone had children so nearly everyone understood.
It's hard to know whether it would have been better with or without a diagnosis isn't it.
Thanks for your support and understanding. Before I became a mum, I had no friends that were parents so they had no clue what it was like.
It sounds like you also had a very stressful and upsetting time with pregnancy and parenting too. There are a lot of mums I've struggled to get along with because of that competitive element too. For me, talking about children is boring. Who cares whether they walk at 9 months or 19 months? That's the sort of small talk I just cannot be bothered with even when it isnt competitive.
In terms of professionals, with my eldest daughter I told her I was really anxious and she just said I didn't score highly enough so I didnt get any support. To be honest I'm surprised I even got support with my youngest child but I think I was so distressed by that point that it was much harder to ignore.
I think you are right about if we were already diagnosed as autistic, but we may have also faced discrimination and negative assumptions too, so perhaps it is also a good thing.