Are you a parent?

I have a grown up lad who is wonderful. I was very good at reading stories and trips to interesting places, helping him make stuff and supporting his education. We're both talkers and discussed life the universe and everything from he could talk, which was early. We've always been good mates.

BUT like you I find small children's chaos, mess and play and noise difficult. I used to dred "mummy, can you play with me?" I didn't really play when I was a kid. All I could do was organise his knights such that all the right knights had all the right kit and were posed nicely in a castle scene; essentially what I used to do with my dolls house. When told; "mummy, you're no fun", I'd just excuse myself; "sorry, love, it's been a while since I was eight".

In general I dreaded children's parties and all that. I used to find that thoroughly exhausting. Neither did I ever want to do the mother and baby group thing. I felt zero need to hang about with other mothers talking about the price of nappies. Fortunately, because I worked, my child minder provided a wide range of other chaotic little kids for him to play with.

Strangely though for all I had a childhood wiggling away from being hugged by my parents, I enjoyed my son's affection. I told him I loved him often.

I've never really liked babies, my lad was an accident but I wouldn't swap him for the world.

Your children may need a level of physical affection which is alien to you. But they need it for a healthy development, so it is one of those areas where giving in to NT need is the best choice for their sakes. As for all the other irritants, I found them irritating too, but the good news is they do grow up eventually. Try to ensure you get some breaks away from it to do your own thing, so you can give them attention when more rested. Perhaps as they grow they might become interested in some of the calmer activities you enjoy and you can develop those interests together.

the app told me to go here  ----  i have no idea why  but it was funny 

It's an old post! Where have you been?! 

i nearly choked on my weetbix when i read this :) lmao

It's a treadmill when they are babies/ toddlers isn't it. Every day is the same, over and over and over and over til you go mad.

Yes I've found if I try to press reply on a different post then scroll down then it will often appear! 

M said:

There seems to be a lot of issues with this website

I just received 166 notifications through e-mail - all at once.   Useless.

I found scrolling to the bottom of the page and back up ,and then press the newest  tab  sometimes helps the reply button to appear .

Don't worry, I understand. There seems to be a lot of issues with this website including attracting spammers and researchers who don't go through the correct channels, so I don't think it is unwise to have direct messages deactivated.

Tried to reply to you but the reply button didn't appear. *sigh* Yes, I don't know why that is about the message- I can't read anyone's friend requests either...

I don't allow private messages because I've been bullied in private on so many social media sites. Not saying you would bully me but if I open my messages up, it leads to all and sundry messaging me.

Glad we are internet friends though!

I think I just like the good old female orgasm personally... not really interested in more kids but can't see myself stopping enjoying orgasms just because I can't have children any more.  

I work with older adults and couples in their 70s and 80s are still sexually active sometimes and they're definitely not interested in having more children. 

M said:

I'm not sure I've ever felt the drive in that way like some people describe it. Certainly not when I was 22 when I first had children. I'd been sexually active for a long time prior to that too. Maybe some women just don't feel it. I have a lot of friends who don't want children at all and although rude people tell them they'll change their mind, I'm pretty sure that they won't. 

When people desire sex they are feeling the reproductive body-clock to a lesser extent, and those that desire children are doing so to a greater extent ~ with people in general feeling to lesser or greater degrees negative, positive or neutral about having or not having sex itself ~ or also about having or not having one or more children.

Most people I have known are in the family way, but I have never been in a relationship with anyone long enough to join in with that way of life myself. I have though known a few who said they did not want to get pregnant ~ but did anyway, and I have known a small few who really regretted not so doing. Such is the variety of life.

Yeah don't feel bad about it. I adore my gf but I do feel relieved when she clears of for a bit and I can be in my own environment. Shes autistic too so I guess she must feel the same. Its just part and parcel of ASD but you do need to try to make an effort to make sure they understand whats going on by just being straight with them but in a kid friendly way. 

This is how my first pregnancy happened. I was very naive really, just expecting a happy family to happen for me. 

I accepted your friend request but I didnt get to read the message properly as I clicked accept in haste, and I can't send you a private message. 

Be aware though: when your children hit adolescence, they will actively push you away and even say 'ugh, get off'. I didn't like being constantly touched and hugged and stroked when my daughter was little, it got annoying. But now she's 15, I have to ask her if she'd like a hug and she grudgingly hugs me but complains I'm too clingy and annoying. I miss the days when she was little and I could carry her around, and had an endless supply of cuddles...

My husband and I thought that we didn't want to reach 60 or something and end up thinking 'we COULD have had children. But we didn't even try.' We knew we'd be super disappointed in that case. So we just decided to stop all contraception and see what happened. Nothing happened for a year so we'd just thought 'oh well, we aren't going to get a child.' Then suddenly BINGO! I was pregnant.

So I wasn't in any way prepared to have a child, it was a bit of a silly gamble. But I'm glad we've got her now, she is a delight and we feel like we won't get old with any regrets.

Yes, even my mum said 'they all end up the same anyway so who cares what age they walk and talk at?' We don't see non-disabled adults still in nappies unable to talk, do we? I think I just got in with a competitive bunch of 'professional women'- a police officer, a headteacher, a lawyer, a doctor etc- who looked down on me, a teaching assistant. I hate that sort of one-upmanship.

You didn't score highly enough! WTF. Motherhood is a life changing event. I know it's a normal biological function but it's scary when it happens to you. We should all get support. One of the questions should be: "Have you got a wide network of support with supportive friends and family?" If not, we need support. In the 21st century there isn't the network of mothers, grandmothers, sisters, aunts, cousins that women throughout history have had.

I read that only 50% of westerners have children now. So the basic understanding of parenting is declining and many people don't have any sympathy or concept of how hard parenting is. Whereas for most of history, nearly everyone had children so nearly everyone understood.

It's hard to know whether it would have been better with or without a diagnosis isn't it.

Thanks for your support and understanding. Before I became a mum, I had no friends that were parents so they had no clue what it was like.

Deepthought said:

In western society most definitely yes, very much, as the cost of living is increasing whilst adequate wages and available housing is not, along with the younger generations becoming increasingly concerned about the environment ~ socially and ecologically.

The problem is not really financial at its base - it more about the expected fake Western 'lifestyle' of "having it all" so people waste many years of their fertile and productive years buying expensive phones, leasing cars, having £50k debt for an Ancient Egyptian Dance Theory degree and having gap years and trying to have a 'career' (only 1% ever has a career, the rest just have jobs) and building their facebook and twitter profiles whinging about how they can't afford a massive house in a high-cost area with a huge garden on their minimum wage Deliveroo job.     It's just not fair.

They don't grow up until they are 30+ and time is running out.

They are trying to believe they are cultured beings in total control of their lives and the deny their basic natural life-function to reproduce.

I'm not sure I've ever felt the drive in that way like some people describe it. Certainly not when I was 22 when I first had children. I'd been sexually active for a long time prior to that too. Maybe some women just don't feel it. I have a lot of friends who don't want children at all and although rude people tell them they'll change their mind, I'm pretty sure that they won't. 

M said:

I had my children relatively young compared to many people we know. A lot of our friends are in their 30s and still aren't parents, which is quite common now it seems.

In western society most definitely yes, very much, as the cost of living is increasing whilst adequate wages and available housing is not, along with the younger generations becoming increasingly concerned about the environment ~ socially and ecologically.

M said:

I never waited long enough for my age to worry me as I had my children in my 20s, but I think if I still didn't have any children at my current age (32) then maybe I would feel that pressure now?

Well technically ~ as soon as one starts desiring or liking sexual intercourse ~ one's reproductive body-clock has become not only a drive but also a directional gyroscope that orients one towards the most compatible genetic match, with a person's pheromones and physical build being somewhat of a draw physiologically at least.

The body-clock thing normally gets going around the eleventh year and usually continues until around the forty-fourth to the fifty-fifth years ~ involving the eleven year solar cycles ~ with the menopause of course bringing the reproductive drive aspect to a conclusion.

Usually, if women have not had children before their thirties ~ the biological drive to do so can become quite significant after which, or even if one has had children with an ex partner ~ a new partner can stimulate the reproductive drive once again.