Are you a parent?

I hate being interrupted as well! So I feel that. I've found that how I treat my son, he treats me and maybe we're a lot alike. They do require much attention at a young age and I definitely struggled, so it's not easy. 

Are you able to chat to your son about other stuff - holiday planning, new car purchase or any other non-confrontational stuff?    What does he like?

I was told by my GP there are no diagnosis or testing for autism until after covid. Ive been waiting over a year

I have been autistic since a child but never diagnosed. My son is 15 and it seemed we had a loving relationship until recenty. Now I cant relate to him, he cant relate to me. I ask him to do somehting, he says no. I ask where somehting is, he ignores me or says something that gets me angry. I feel like a failure at being a dad. I feel bullied at work too. Lockdown so noone to talk to. I really dont know where to turn.

M said:

I really struggle to give my children undivided attention. I haye being disturbed from whatever I'm doing and I struggle with their voices in a physical way. Why do children have such high pitched voices?! 

Children have such high pitched voices as an evolutionary survival mechanism that makes it easier to locate them, and the reason your hypersensitive to that and otherwise is that being on the spectrum involves consistently being in the freeze, flight, hide or fight range of the evolutionary survival mechanism ~ hence the narrow range of focus and extra focus of attention difficulties involving sensory overloads, exhaustion and burn outs etcetera. 

The easiest way around the pitch, tone and hue of voice problems that parents and teachers and children on the spectrum have with hypersensitivity issues, is either ear-plugs of the composite foam or technological varieties up to various ranges of headphones that offer noise cancellation functions, if you feel inclined perhaps?

Here is link to one provider of said options to consider maybe:

https://misophoniainstitute.org/earplugs-and-noise-cancelling-headphones/

She sounds very wise.

I really struggle to give my children undivided attention. I haye being disturbed from whatever I'm doing and I struggle with their voices in a physical way. Why do children have such high pitched voices?! 

It is good advice to try to focus more on what they are saying though. We always do bedtime reading (they can listen quietly, perfect). I do explain boundaries to my older daughter but my younger one is more like me in personality and is very emotional, especially if told no. I suppose it is a work in progress! 

I struggled most when my oldest was a baby but not so bad with my younger one, and now I wonder if it is because the change of routine isn't quite so drastic once you already have one. 

I had postnatal depression but it wasn't recognised until I was pregnant with the younger one and then had prenatal depression, mainly because I was anticipating feeling trapped by another baby. When she was born though I didnt feel trapped and fortunately the 2nd time around was generally better albeit still tiring!

Thank you for sharing your experience. I enjoy my children now but I was miserable when they were babies, especially my oldest daughter.

No because I currently don't have a diagnosis. Initial assessment is in a week so maybe I'll feel more clear after that? 

I make things for my kids too as I knit and crochet. Not always things for them but they do get more than what I make for anyone else.

My son is now 24 (Yikes!). Luckily, my grandmother (who it seems I get my hyper-sensory / hyper-focus and dialectic skills from) gave me some incredible advice when he was young. So, I'll just relay what she told me, which seemed to help. First she said that Children need to feel safe, secure. And one of the ways to avert their stress (and when they're stressed, they'll take it out on the parent), was to give them 100% full attention when they ask for it, OR give them a timer or a sense of counting time to wait for the moment when you can give them your full attention, which does require strict follow through. however, eventually they won't need it all the time because they'll trust when they need you, they can depend on you being emotionally present. Psychologically, this is normal for humans in general it seems. The more we trust someone close, the less we sort of 'need' them. There's more to this, but hopefully it makes sense. It's an upfront investment.  With both parents working or with single parenting this can be difficult, but it pays off in the long run. The second thing she taught me was that since they mimic every thing you do, you can teach them how to use their voice by how you speak to them (I used to say thank you while handing my son something - this is a popular routine) or affirming them as small humans and presenting another option for speaking. But this lesson came in the form of, never say 'no', just redirect and find a different way of expressing the boundary. Only use No when it is of grave consequence.

As for the knee, can you ask her to negotiate with you? It's incredibly useful for young girls to learn it's ok to not care for a thing and not EVER have to explain why :) It's also useful to brainstorm an alternate form of engagement that works for everyone. "I don't know why I don't like it. But perhaps we can think of something we both like?" And present options. Allow her to think of options. Hopefully someday this method of re-configuring a connexion will be useful when she's older!

Also I simply set aside a particular time of day (like bed time) to do something my son liked. Perhaps just brushing their hair for a few minutes each night is a small self-less endeavour that eases the need to attach themselves to you during the day. 

I'm not sure if any of this helps! I had an incredible grandmother x

I should also add that I found the early years - up to when they started school very difficult. Especially when they were very small. I did not get a great deal of happiness from it - it is a memory of hard work and struggle.

I have two daughters as well. One of 10 and one of 22! My first daughter started my mental health journey. I found the baby part really overwhelming. At the time I went to my GP and they referred me to group psychotherapy. I can’t say it didn’t help with the childhood stuff from my own life, but it did set me on a bit of a wild goose chase. It’s only been in the last 3 or 4 years that I have even become aware of the idea of being on the spectrum.

I have two children, ages 12 and 18. However, they are both AS/HFA themselves so it is slightly different to your situation. I also am slightly different with my sensory sensitivities..

It is a lot easier to care for them now they are older. No more sitting on knees are needed and the most embarrassing thing my daughter said when she was little was that she would tell everyone I only make packet cakes - this is totally true by the way.

And I am more in the phase of wondering what my role is now. Apart from getting them up in the morning. My 12 year old is 12 going on 25. And the 18 year old really struggles and needs a lot of reassurance.

I'm not sure I have any advice apart from know and accept yourself and then things will be okay. 

Speaking as a son and a father , it is understanding what is happening and why.

I grew up not knowing what was going on , made the totally wrong conclusions to events and was confused about  everything .

But hopefully my children are much better placed ,

Oh I hate being grabbed at and poked and stroked etc  and I do sometimes feel that maybe I come across as blunt or cold to her (3 year old, 4 tomorrow) because I’m not all lovey dovey like people are with kids but I still seem to be her favourite person somehow! I tend to show love in other ways than speaking, I do hug her but it’s stuff like organising her a lockdown birthday tomorrow so she doesn’t get upset she’s not having a party and baking her quite an ambitious birthday cake from scratch and things like that. Does your 7 year old understand that you’re autistic?  My daughter was getting confused about my hearing aids so I found her some stories where the characters wore them

Yes - it was my daughter growing up so fast and changing so quickly that showed my mask could not adapt fast enough - I began to malfunction very obviously around her.when she was around 7or 8 - that prompted the discussion with my friend's wife - a teacher with experience in ASD and she said she had suspected for a while that I was aspie - but didn't feel comfortable mentioning it..

I was referred and diagnosed a few weeks later.

It's been difficult with my daughter - i'm an engineer - I solve problems and that's not what people really want.     In fact, we ended up having a big, heated 'discussion' only a few months ago and I think we've finally cleared the air and fixed all the problems between us - at 21, she's now old enough to fully understand the reason for the conflicts and difficulties over the years.

We seem to be finally communicating properly.  

Just in time.