Relationships and dating as an autistic person

Sorry! I didn't realise.

Dear RKJ,

I have locked your other thread about research for creating a dating app as it contravenes one of the Community Rules.  Please keep the discussion general here please and do not share personal details such as an email address.

Regards,

Kerri-Mod

Thanks for sharing Castle, that’s lovely to hear that you found love.

Thanks rkj, that's nice of you to offer but the problem isn't really that I need advice the problem is that I choose not to date now because my asd meant that we were too different. I have no problem attracting people and getting dates but they never work out because of my autistic personality and you can't change who you are, and nor should you come to that.

I met my wife through a dating website and we got married within 6 months and had a daughter together within 18 months. I moved 40 miles to be with her and transfered my job.

I'm not going to lie the change sent my anxiety off big time ended up going to a mental health place to get assessed and recommended CBT not that it really worked all that whilst managing to hold my job down was real tough. I am a very determined person so I will fight my anxieties full on and try and get on with life as best I can.

I cannot stand dating I hate it having to get to know someone I just feel lucky I met my wife and I will always remember how terrified I was when she said she would call me for the first time haha. Thankfully she did all the talking as I just froze. 

She is stunning and I think if it wasn't for my looks that my personality might not have been enough at the beginning I don't know but were are happily married.

Good luck with the dating.

I completely understand Unirella. What if it were easier to meet other people on the spectrum and you could get advice on dating? Please be a part of my focus group so I can create something that works well for people on the spectrum. If you’re comfortable with helping (all I require is a little of your time), can you email me and I can provide further details: [email address removed by Moderator] 

Thank you

I found dating complicated and awkward. It was a disaster from start to finish, no wonder he didn't ask me for a second date.

Hi everyone, I read this original post and the replies from everyone. I am a mum of an autistic boy and an advocate of people with autism - yes it is difficult and challenging at times, but people on the spectrum are also some of the best I know! I am going to create an app for dating and meeting people on the spectrum. So here's what I want to ask - would you all be interested in becoming my focus group? It means I would take some time to speak with you to understand what you would want from this app. I realise some people may have anxiety at the thought of this, but I would really love anyone who feels comfortable to do this. I will not require anything but your time to connect on a call. Reply to this thread if you could help me and I'll share next steps. Ultimately, the goal is to help the autistic community in love and friendship. 

Try a forum that’s related to your special interested. Almost certainly the other users will be mostly aspies undiagnosed and unaware they’re aspies.

You work as someone who is 35 years old I find it very difficult to make friends to the point I have none...!!

and I am also a single bisexual that finds it hard to get into the later ships with anybody because I don't know how to engage or how to communicate with NT'S and my fellow autistics with most of my relationships with them can be on and off on and off with some indeed for the silliest and the most ridiculous of things...!!

I really think what we need is we need to see more autistics trying to push against the grain trying to be out and about and trying to socialise a good place to do this and to try meet with others autistics and to keep your eyes open and to try and meet other people when it goes back to normal after the the covid-19 outbreak is McDonald's and KFC at Jamaica Street in Glasgow city centre...!!

I tried a while back to start a social group where I advertised it on Facebook to invite people between 10:30 and 11:30 at night to meet socially within McDonald's on Jamaica Street Glasgow the reason doing this is it's in the evening and also gives good time for people to get the buses home safely from the city centre...!!

I also considered the evening to be a better time because I know a lot of people with autism can suffer from sleeping disorders like insomnia as well as other conditions I myself can relate to this with having severe insomnia and having dish cookies with sleep due to body pain throughout my body due to sensory issues and problems with sleep so I believed in the evening it would be good to meet for an hour and then allows people to get home safely and get to bed in the evening can be more atmospheric and I just don't like it being too bright during the day and it just seems more comfortable more welcoming send them indoors in the evening that is during the day and it was to bring people together to talk about their interest learn from each other and try to create a free non-profit ing non-managed but social group that brings all sorts of autistics on the spectrum together to socialise and make friends and support groups and networks that they can learn from and can help each other well making friends...!!

so when everything gets back to normal in the city centre of Glasgow keep your eyes open in McDonald's for people who are sitting about being sociable and just try and ask if you could join the table during the conversation see where it goes because there's a good philosophy every stranger is a possible friend all it takes is you to make the first steps to trigger the beginning of a friendship that could possibly be lifelong....!!

we need to be braver we need to have courage and we need to push ourselves because life isn't easy even for NT's so we need to try to be braver with her emotions and try to have courage and sometimes maybe we need to try and push and try to speak to people and try and start the first steps to beginning conversations socializing and starting the beginning of friendships...!!

Your very welcome! It is a big relief and all this sudden emotion when you find out and understand why you are the way you are. With this whole pandemic, I think it is a lot more difficult for people like us who wants to try and get out of our comfort zone but can’t.

I wouldn’t mind sending a friend request, it would be nice to speak to someone who can relate the same as me x

Thanks so much AmyLR94 - it’s nice to know there are other people out there like me. It was helpful to read about your experiences, It’s been an emotional month or so with my entire life making sense all of a sudden and I desperately want this yet with autism and this pandemic it all feels unachievable. Feel free to reach out with a friend request if you feel like it would help to have another online friend to relate to.

This is all very helpful experience, thank you!

I haven’t been on this forum for a while and thought it would be a good time to come back since we are all going through this pandemic. While browsing all recent posts your post kept catching my eye. I thought it would be good to tell you about my experiences with relationships.

My name is Amy and I am 25 years old (26 in November). I feel the same as your do, that people who you knew have starting relationships, gotten married, moved house and had kids and that you feel like you haven’t done anything with your life? That’s how I feel all the time, I only have a couple of online friends (who I haven’t met) but have been best friends for years. When it came to my relationships they were short because I would panic because our relationship lasting (my longest relationship last nearly 1 month, only because it was long distance). With online dating sites I avoid, I have had very bad experiences with guys using me, wanting pictures etc and it was hard to understand what was funny etc. 
You have done more than me, I am still living at home because I know I wouldn’t be able to cope living on my own. I haven’t been in a relationship in years, I have no job etc. It’s really difficult to look for someone at this time with this whole pandemic thing, especially when you have to be so far away from people when your meeting.
I have sort of accepted that I probably be on my own and eventually have my own dogs etc. I don’t really go out and big crowds make me nervous and if I don’t know an area I have a panic attack. My advice would be just follow your heart, If you feel ready to go out and meet, start up a friendships and maybe more then go ahead. I know at this time it will be difficult build relationships but hopefully this virus disappears soon and we can all get back to a normal life x

OK, Cassanovandro's honest and compleat guide to pre-diagnosis autism & finding good relationships, based on decades of mostly not being in one:

• started with running away whenever anyone showed interest. Eventually decided not to do that. Began at least trying to face up to the subject and not being scared by either person's feelings. Continued to miss many opportunities, knowing someone was interested, by not following up. If you're not going for it, it doesn't mean you're not interested but maybe a friend could give you confidence.
• painful crushes but no 'success' at university. Devastating. Tried not to get too obsessed and move on. Ditto various other friends where went from keeping it all in to being too direct. Oops. Still, learned to deal with embarrassment too. Friendly and charming appreciation is the ideal, and believe it or not aspies can definitely do it when they finally feel comfortable (I know funny and cute ones). Go with the flow (some gentle steering of conversation may be needed to take in scenery without hitting sandbanks, if that metaphor makes any sense. Flirting is probably mostly humour that acknowledges one or other person's sexual nature.)
• sexual attraction's a perfectly good place to start (and maybe end), although if it's through mutual interests that raises the chances of finding someone to enjoy time with. Good things to say after sex, however it goes, include 'thanks, that was nice', rather than 'sorry'.
• still random things can happen in hotel bars you happen to be in for some event, provided reasonable comfort and confidence. And alcohol. (6 month long-distance relationship.) Wedding receptions may create expectations though, especially since Hugh Grant.
• yes, share taxi rides home with single friends, even if you live in opposite directions (2 years with amazing person, still friends). And coffee doesn't mean coffee. Unless it does.  But be open to coffee anyway even if you don't drink it.
• had three or four dates from general-ish dating site. I think you can tell from initial text messages whether you have the same sense of humour. Some thought I was weird over meal and drink and it was all awkward parting. One turned out to mistake 'weird' for 'interesting' and it was lovely. Present your best side (metaphorically, I don't mean hold your head at an imposing angle).
• did find another aspie attractive once and tried to get together for a few months but they turned out to be asexual. Which is absolutely fine, but not what I wanted. Found out we really did both want to 'just be friends'.
• Work relationships can work; especially if you're not trying to show off but genuinely do impress. It's probably like The Office, but I've never seen it.
• you don't have to live together. Just gradually increase the length of time you spend in each other's company until you never go home. (4 years, now best friends)
• people who you didn't know before, after you've managed one decent afternoon out with a laugh, on your second date I think it's fine to disclose deep and dark secrets in a deep and dark bar somewhere. (18 months, rather fraught partly for not having known what the real deep diagnosis was to disclose, turning up late is not the right way to appear casual, still friends)
• know when to stop and hold on to who you've got. For example, if it turns out they love you.
• yes, haircut definitely. And clean fingernails.
• there are some 5 or 6 main mainstream sites/apps. Turns out I'm even more scared of apps than relationships. Getting long in the tooth now and wish I knew then what I (pretend to) know now...

Up t'North thanks for the reply, it’s helpful even if you say you have limited experience. I’m going to give the more mainstream ones a go and see what happens, putting an emphasis on those traits like you say.

And I appreciate that this isn’t a great time to be finding someone, but it’s anyone’s guess how long this will go on for and I’ve got to get by somehow. Even if I connect with someone online that’s still progress and likely to make me feel better about things.

I accept the significant irony of me being part of a thread discussing relationships - I am the least likely person to claim any knowledge or success in this area :-) .. I've had extraordinary difficulty in the NT world with personal connections and have now settled for simple friendships.

However, I've been thinking about this a bit .. the first thing to appreciate is that right now is the *worst* time to be looking to date/ meet someone .. it's really tough for everyone - never mind our community and our unique gifts. 

You might want to look at this review of dating sites in the current pandemic:
www.independent.co.uk/.../dating-apps-tinder-hinge-bumble-sites-free-lockdown-coronavirus-a9454916.html

Also, I found this list of brilliant traits of ASD/AS people very helpful when I was super low:
www.verywellhealth.com/top-terrific-traits-of-autistic-people-260321

Looking back I remember that people have often said they liked my company because I was so spontaneous .. and that the threads of my conversation leapt from one subject to another in the blink of an eye.

Some have called it "knight's move thinking" - the ability to make a leap of mental connection not common in the NT world.

In the work area that I've finally found a niche people have been kind enough to call some of my ideas innovative and on occasion inspiring. I'm just not limited by what has been done before and my mind is constantly wandering off on 'what if' ideas :-)

I wonder if joining one of the really big dating sites (ie lots of members) and then in your profile describe your best traits .. perhaps that you have really focussed interests - and name them .. and that you don't have time for mind games with people .. that you say what you mean and mean what you say .. that you prefer quiet spaces with few people rather than noisy busy spaces ..

I think it could very well be that another ASD/AS person on the same site would recognise those preferences and characteristics as being like themselves - whether or not they've been diagnosed .. and then who knows??

.. above all though .. don't beat yourself up .. lots of pebbles on the beach and the tide is always turning ..

.. happy beach combing ..

Came back to post here again after a somewhat frustrating evening me and mum had together looking at this subject. She suggested I post here but didn’t want to start another thread on the same topic.

Encouragingly, someone who I’d looked at on one site messaged me, but then I found that in order to open the message I’d have to pay. Seems a bit ridiculous that a free trial doesn’t even let you connect with one other person. The rates were quite high and no option to pay with PayPal. When we looked on trustpilot we found mainly negative reviews we’d admittedly missed before - some even saying the site isn’t genuine and is fraudulent. With no PayPal payment I was worried about my details particularly as having money stolen from me is something I really don’t need now of all times. We haven’t given them a penny.

Mum and I looked a bit more online for sites geared towards autism but found nothing that looked credible, so we are back to square one.

We have one more in mind we are going to try, but it’s a bit more of a generic site. No specific inclusion of autism. But still going to give it a go.

I normally live mostly independently in my own home but since lockdown started I’ve been living with my parents as I couldn’t cope on my own. I’m still in the same area though, in the west of Norfolk. As I said before it’s not a great area for meeting new people but mum still suggested I try to put myself out there as much as possible, especially in the autistic space, trying to find friendships that may become a bit more later. I get that current conditions are not ideal for that.

We were a bit disappointed that The National Autistic Society don’t seem to be doing more to clearly signpost people in this situation to the right places. I’ve done several searches here but not really found anything. Browsing in the forums it seems to be such a common issue and I know I’m not the only one but with there now being only one more complete calendar month until I’m 30 I’m becoming more and more conscious by the day that I’m missing out on a very basic life experience, and am losing hope that it will ever happen for me. Some days I even feel like I’ve let down my family.

Thought I’d come back and post an update. I’ve put myself out there on some dating sites specific to people with autism and disabilities, with mums help. She recommended them in the first place and I’ve slowly been becoming more confident. It’s about all we can do at the moment but it’s a good start.

Mum does want me to have my hair cut before I go any further though, and she does have a point as it’s a mess. She thinks she may know someone who can do it in our garden if we both mask up.

I am feeling more hopeful now, anyway. I had honestly started to think I’d be forever single, which would mean missing out on so many life experiences.

Thanks everyone for your replies. I’m getting there. Though I have my own home I’ve been living with my parents since lockdown started and they’ve been fantastic supporting me through everything and my mum in particular helping me come to terms with being autistic.

Plastic I really can’t answer how well I can pass off as NT - many of the traits I had as a child have disappeared but I still have a fair few social difficulties associated with ASD. I wouldn’t say a match being NT is a dealbreaker as long as they are sympathetic to my issues. If they are then as far as I’m concerned we are a match. Thanks for the heads up about scams - I’d like to think I’m savvy enough to avoid them but can never be too careful.