Relationships and dating as an autistic person

Your very welcome! It is a big relief and all this sudden emotion when you find out and understand why you are the way you are. With this whole pandemic, I think it is a lot more difficult for people like us who wants to try and get out of our comfort zone but can’t.

I wouldn’t mind sending a friend request, it would be nice to speak to someone who can relate the same as me x

Thanks so much AmyLR94 - it’s nice to know there are other people out there like me. It was helpful to read about your experiences, It’s been an emotional month or so with my entire life making sense all of a sudden and I desperately want this yet with autism and this pandemic it all feels unachievable. Feel free to reach out with a friend request if you feel like it would help to have another online friend to relate to.

This is all very helpful experience, thank you!

I haven’t been on this forum for a while and thought it would be a good time to come back since we are all going through this pandemic. While browsing all recent posts your post kept catching my eye. I thought it would be good to tell you about my experiences with relationships.

My name is Amy and I am 25 years old (26 in November). I feel the same as your do, that people who you knew have starting relationships, gotten married, moved house and had kids and that you feel like you haven’t done anything with your life? That’s how I feel all the time, I only have a couple of online friends (who I haven’t met) but have been best friends for years. When it came to my relationships they were short because I would panic because our relationship lasting (my longest relationship last nearly 1 month, only because it was long distance). With online dating sites I avoid, I have had very bad experiences with guys using me, wanting pictures etc and it was hard to understand what was funny etc. 
You have done more than me, I am still living at home because I know I wouldn’t be able to cope living on my own. I haven’t been in a relationship in years, I have no job etc. It’s really difficult to look for someone at this time with this whole pandemic thing, especially when you have to be so far away from people when your meeting.
I have sort of accepted that I probably be on my own and eventually have my own dogs etc. I don’t really go out and big crowds make me nervous and if I don’t know an area I have a panic attack. My advice would be just follow your heart, If you feel ready to go out and meet, start up a friendships and maybe more then go ahead. I know at this time it will be difficult build relationships but hopefully this virus disappears soon and we can all get back to a normal life x

OK, Cassanovandro's honest and compleat guide to pre-diagnosis autism & finding good relationships, based on decades of mostly not being in one:

• started with running away whenever anyone showed interest. Eventually decided not to do that. Began at least trying to face up to the subject and not being scared by either person's feelings. Continued to miss many opportunities, knowing someone was interested, by not following up. If you're not going for it, it doesn't mean you're not interested but maybe a friend could give you confidence.
• painful crushes but no 'success' at university. Devastating. Tried not to get too obsessed and move on. Ditto various other friends where went from keeping it all in to being too direct. Oops. Still, learned to deal with embarrassment too. Friendly and charming appreciation is the ideal, and believe it or not aspies can definitely do it when they finally feel comfortable (I know funny and cute ones). Go with the flow (some gentle steering of conversation may be needed to take in scenery without hitting sandbanks, if that metaphor makes any sense. Flirting is probably mostly humour that acknowledges one or other person's sexual nature.)
• sexual attraction's a perfectly good place to start (and maybe end), although if it's through mutual interests that raises the chances of finding someone to enjoy time with. Good things to say after sex, however it goes, include 'thanks, that was nice', rather than 'sorry'.
• still random things can happen in hotel bars you happen to be in for some event, provided reasonable comfort and confidence. And alcohol. (6 month long-distance relationship.) Wedding receptions may create expectations though, especially since Hugh Grant.
• yes, share taxi rides home with single friends, even if you live in opposite directions (2 years with amazing person, still friends). And coffee doesn't mean coffee. Unless it does.  But be open to coffee anyway even if you don't drink it.
• had three or four dates from general-ish dating site. I think you can tell from initial text messages whether you have the same sense of humour. Some thought I was weird over meal and drink and it was all awkward parting. One turned out to mistake 'weird' for 'interesting' and it was lovely. Present your best side (metaphorically, I don't mean hold your head at an imposing angle).
• did find another aspie attractive once and tried to get together for a few months but they turned out to be asexual. Which is absolutely fine, but not what I wanted. Found out we really did both want to 'just be friends'.
• Work relationships can work; especially if you're not trying to show off but genuinely do impress. It's probably like The Office, but I've never seen it.
• you don't have to live together. Just gradually increase the length of time you spend in each other's company until you never go home. (4 years, now best friends)
• people who you didn't know before, after you've managed one decent afternoon out with a laugh, on your second date I think it's fine to disclose deep and dark secrets in a deep and dark bar somewhere. (18 months, rather fraught partly for not having known what the real deep diagnosis was to disclose, turning up late is not the right way to appear casual, still friends)
• know when to stop and hold on to who you've got. For example, if it turns out they love you.
• yes, haircut definitely. And clean fingernails.
• there are some 5 or 6 main mainstream sites/apps. Turns out I'm even more scared of apps than relationships. Getting long in the tooth now and wish I knew then what I (pretend to) know now...

Up t'North thanks for the reply, it’s helpful even if you say you have limited experience. I’m going to give the more mainstream ones a go and see what happens, putting an emphasis on those traits like you say.

And I appreciate that this isn’t a great time to be finding someone, but it’s anyone’s guess how long this will go on for and I’ve got to get by somehow. Even if I connect with someone online that’s still progress and likely to make me feel better about things.

I accept the significant irony of me being part of a thread discussing relationships - I am the least likely person to claim any knowledge or success in this area :-) .. I've had extraordinary difficulty in the NT world with personal connections and have now settled for simple friendships.

However, I've been thinking about this a bit .. the first thing to appreciate is that right now is the *worst* time to be looking to date/ meet someone .. it's really tough for everyone - never mind our community and our unique gifts. 

You might want to look at this review of dating sites in the current pandemic:
www.independent.co.uk/.../dating-apps-tinder-hinge-bumble-sites-free-lockdown-coronavirus-a9454916.html

Also, I found this list of brilliant traits of ASD/AS people very helpful when I was super low:
www.verywellhealth.com/top-terrific-traits-of-autistic-people-260321

Looking back I remember that people have often said they liked my company because I was so spontaneous .. and that the threads of my conversation leapt from one subject to another in the blink of an eye.

Some have called it "knight's move thinking" - the ability to make a leap of mental connection not common in the NT world.

In the work area that I've finally found a niche people have been kind enough to call some of my ideas innovative and on occasion inspiring. I'm just not limited by what has been done before and my mind is constantly wandering off on 'what if' ideas :-)

I wonder if joining one of the really big dating sites (ie lots of members) and then in your profile describe your best traits .. perhaps that you have really focussed interests - and name them .. and that you don't have time for mind games with people .. that you say what you mean and mean what you say .. that you prefer quiet spaces with few people rather than noisy busy spaces ..

I think it could very well be that another ASD/AS person on the same site would recognise those preferences and characteristics as being like themselves - whether or not they've been diagnosed .. and then who knows??

.. above all though .. don't beat yourself up .. lots of pebbles on the beach and the tide is always turning ..

.. happy beach combing ..

Came back to post here again after a somewhat frustrating evening me and mum had together looking at this subject. She suggested I post here but didn’t want to start another thread on the same topic.

Encouragingly, someone who I’d looked at on one site messaged me, but then I found that in order to open the message I’d have to pay. Seems a bit ridiculous that a free trial doesn’t even let you connect with one other person. The rates were quite high and no option to pay with PayPal. When we looked on trustpilot we found mainly negative reviews we’d admittedly missed before - some even saying the site isn’t genuine and is fraudulent. With no PayPal payment I was worried about my details particularly as having money stolen from me is something I really don’t need now of all times. We haven’t given them a penny.

Mum and I looked a bit more online for sites geared towards autism but found nothing that looked credible, so we are back to square one.

We have one more in mind we are going to try, but it’s a bit more of a generic site. No specific inclusion of autism. But still going to give it a go.

I normally live mostly independently in my own home but since lockdown started I’ve been living with my parents as I couldn’t cope on my own. I’m still in the same area though, in the west of Norfolk. As I said before it’s not a great area for meeting new people but mum still suggested I try to put myself out there as much as possible, especially in the autistic space, trying to find friendships that may become a bit more later. I get that current conditions are not ideal for that.

We were a bit disappointed that The National Autistic Society don’t seem to be doing more to clearly signpost people in this situation to the right places. I’ve done several searches here but not really found anything. Browsing in the forums it seems to be such a common issue and I know I’m not the only one but with there now being only one more complete calendar month until I’m 30 I’m becoming more and more conscious by the day that I’m missing out on a very basic life experience, and am losing hope that it will ever happen for me. Some days I even feel like I’ve let down my family.

Thought I’d come back and post an update. I’ve put myself out there on some dating sites specific to people with autism and disabilities, with mums help. She recommended them in the first place and I’ve slowly been becoming more confident. It’s about all we can do at the moment but it’s a good start.

Mum does want me to have my hair cut before I go any further though, and she does have a point as it’s a mess. She thinks she may know someone who can do it in our garden if we both mask up.

I am feeling more hopeful now, anyway. I had honestly started to think I’d be forever single, which would mean missing out on so many life experiences.

Thanks everyone for your replies. I’m getting there. Though I have my own home I’ve been living with my parents since lockdown started and they’ve been fantastic supporting me through everything and my mum in particular helping me come to terms with being autistic.

Plastic I really can’t answer how well I can pass off as NT - many of the traits I had as a child have disappeared but I still have a fair few social difficulties associated with ASD. I wouldn’t say a match being NT is a dealbreaker as long as they are sympathetic to my issues. If they are then as far as I’m concerned we are a match. Thanks for the heads up about scams - I’d like to think I’m savvy enough to avoid them but can never be too careful.

NAS50301 I have a friend, NT, who met her match on bumble as well. I’ve just taken a look on the App Store. Looks ok though there’s always pressure as to me it looks a bit like tinder with the added element of having to respond to matches in 24 hours. Might be worth a go though if I continue to draw blanks on the sites I’m on now. Thanks for replying. I’m tempted to just go for it.

Up t'North thank you I’ll see what groups I can find on Meetup, though it’s anybody’s guess as to when they will be doing physical meets again!

Dating is really complicated for ASD people.     How self-aware are you?     Are you able to pass as NT? (for a while?)      As ASD is a spectrum condition, would you only meet other ASD people?       Do you think you would be compatible?

An easier way to meet people is to join a special interest group where you have something in common to talk about - it's a gentler introduction.

NT Dating sites can be risky because there's a lot of people out there with less-than-honourable intentions and we a vulnerable to their scams - be careful.

Ash said:

There seems to be so few quality sites set up for autistic people and I’m nervous about entering the mainstream ones. Or needn’t I be?

The mix of people on mainstream sites is diverse, I met my husband on bumble. 

We're both autistic but he didn't actually know this until a year after we were married. I'm pointing that out as some people aren't interested in labels, so would just use mainstream sites, additionally, there are many autistic individuals whose knowledge of autism is so limited they don't even know there autistic. 

There are millions of autistic individuals. Autism affects us all in different ways, plus we have individual personalities, which are influenced by our socialisation, career etc. I get your logic but I don't think because someone is autistic there anymore likely to get you than a PNT.

Hi .. dating with ASD/AS is really tough .. we're all special here and NTs often don't appreciate our gifts ..

I've had more or less zero success with dating sites - they're all based on superficial characteristics anyway - and most NTs are way too shallow to understand us wonderfully complex, deep-thinking AS people :-) ..

I've built the best connections with people (both M and F) through getting involved with local projects or volunteering or activism or simply through joining nerdy groups focussed on my particular interests ..

As they say - the best way to find someone who likes doing the things you like is by getting in amongst other people who are already doing the things you like.

There are some very interesting and helpful articles and YouTube videos on this tricky subject - maybe by Googling you'd find something useful there ...