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Relationships and dating as an autistic person

Ash

I wanted to reach out and ask... how have people found the world of dating? Or those who have had relationships or are in one, how did it actually happen for you?

My dating history hasn’t been great so far and especially with me being of an age where lots of my friends are getting married, buying houses together and having kids, it adds to my anxiety that my life is basically stuck at the start. I don’t live in a great location for social opportunities and realistically I’m going to have a partner 40 miles away but I am ok with that. Some friends have suggested to move away to widen my pool of people but I really don’t think I could cope with that since it would be a massive change and right now I need a lot of family support.

Obviously while the coronavirus is a thing physically meeting people is going to be tricky but me and my mum both agree that there’s no reason why me and a date couldn’t just sit in a park at a distance from each other and chat. It isn’t a complete blocker. But in the current climate I think dating sites are really the only way forward, though I am open to suggestions.

So far I’ve registered on two, which my mum has been great supporting me with as I lack confidence. Not sure if I’m allowed to mention them but I have serious doubts about them. One has so few people on it and the people I’ve been matched with don’t seem very active. The other seems more active generally but there are few people near me and there’s no way of telling when they were last on, and wouldn’t be surprised if they are not active themselves.

There seems to be so few quality sites set up for autistic people and I’m nervous about entering the mainstream ones. Or needn’t I be? I really want to be with someone who understands me and I think definitely that common ground of autism has to be a good thing?

I also wondered about the agency they use on The Undateables, but wonder how useful this would be in the current climate (really wish this virus would go away!!!). Any thoughts, anyone?

Parents

  • Came back to post here again after a somewhat frustrating evening me and mum had together looking at this subject. She suggested I post here but didn’t want to start another thread on the same topic.

    Encouragingly, someone who I’d looked at on one site messaged me, but then I found that in order to open the message I’d have to pay. Seems a bit ridiculous that a free trial doesn’t even let you connect with one other person. The rates were quite high and no option to pay with PayPal. When we looked on trustpilot we found mainly negative reviews we’d admittedly missed before - some even saying the site isn’t genuine and is fraudulent. With no PayPal payment I was worried about my details particularly as having money stolen from me is something I really don’t need now of all times. We haven’t given them a penny.

    Mum and I looked a bit more online for sites geared towards autism but found nothing that looked credible, so we are back to square one.

    We have one more in mind we are going to try, but it’s a bit more of a generic site. No specific inclusion of autism. But still going to give it a go.

    I normally live mostly independently in my own home but since lockdown started I’ve been living with my parents as I couldn’t cope on my own. I’m still in the same area though, in the west of Norfolk. As I said before it’s not a great area for meeting new people but mum still suggested I try to put myself out there as much as possible, especially in the autistic space, trying to find friendships that may become a bit more later. I get that current conditions are not ideal for that.

    We were a bit disappointed that The National Autistic Society don’t seem to be doing more to clearly signpost people in this situation to the right places. I’ve done several searches here but not really found anything. Browsing in the forums it seems to be such a common issue and I know I’m not the only one but with there now being only one more complete calendar month until I’m 30 I’m becoming more and more conscious by the day that I’m missing out on a very basic life experience, and am losing hope that it will ever happen for me. Some days I even feel like I’ve let down my family.

Reply

  • Came back to post here again after a somewhat frustrating evening me and mum had together looking at this subject. She suggested I post here but didn’t want to start another thread on the same topic.

    Encouragingly, someone who I’d looked at on one site messaged me, but then I found that in order to open the message I’d have to pay. Seems a bit ridiculous that a free trial doesn’t even let you connect with one other person. The rates were quite high and no option to pay with PayPal. When we looked on trustpilot we found mainly negative reviews we’d admittedly missed before - some even saying the site isn’t genuine and is fraudulent. With no PayPal payment I was worried about my details particularly as having money stolen from me is something I really don’t need now of all times. We haven’t given them a penny.

    Mum and I looked a bit more online for sites geared towards autism but found nothing that looked credible, so we are back to square one.

    We have one more in mind we are going to try, but it’s a bit more of a generic site. No specific inclusion of autism. But still going to give it a go.

    I normally live mostly independently in my own home but since lockdown started I’ve been living with my parents as I couldn’t cope on my own. I’m still in the same area though, in the west of Norfolk. As I said before it’s not a great area for meeting new people but mum still suggested I try to put myself out there as much as possible, especially in the autistic space, trying to find friendships that may become a bit more later. I get that current conditions are not ideal for that.

    We were a bit disappointed that The National Autistic Society don’t seem to be doing more to clearly signpost people in this situation to the right places. I’ve done several searches here but not really found anything. Browsing in the forums it seems to be such a common issue and I know I’m not the only one but with there now being only one more complete calendar month until I’m 30 I’m becoming more and more conscious by the day that I’m missing out on a very basic life experience, and am losing hope that it will ever happen for me. Some days I even feel like I’ve let down my family.

Children
  • in reply to Ash

    I accept the significant irony of me being part of a thread discussing relationships - I am the least likely person to claim any knowledge or success in this area :-) .. I've had extraordinary difficulty in the NT world with personal connections and have now settled for simple friendships.

    However, I've been thinking about this a bit .. the first thing to appreciate is that right now is the *worst* time to be looking to date/ meet someone .. it's really tough for everyone - never mind our community and our unique gifts. 

    You might want to look at this review of dating sites in the current pandemic:
    www.independent.co.uk/.../dating-apps-tinder-hinge-bumble-sites-free-lockdown-coronavirus-a9454916.html

    Also, I found this list of brilliant traits of ASD/AS people very helpful when I was super low:
    www.verywellhealth.com/top-terrific-traits-of-autistic-people-260321

    Looking back I remember that people have often said they liked my company because I was so spontaneous .. and that the threads of my conversation leapt from one subject to another in the blink of an eye.

    Some have called it "knight's move thinking" - the ability to make a leap of mental connection not common in the NT world.

    In the work area that I've finally found a niche people have been kind enough to call some of my ideas innovative and on occasion inspiring. I'm just not limited by what has been done before and my mind is constantly wandering off on 'what if' ideas :-)

    I wonder if joining one of the really big dating sites (ie lots of members) and then in your profile describe your best traits .. perhaps that you have really focussed interests - and name them .. and that you don't have time for mind games with people .. that you say what you mean and mean what you say .. that you prefer quiet spaces with few people rather than noisy busy spaces ..

    I think it could very well be that another ASD/AS person on the same site would recognise those preferences and characteristics as being like themselves - whether or not they've been diagnosed .. and then who knows??

    .. above all though .. don't beat yourself up .. lots of pebbles on the beach and the tide is always turning ..

    .. happy beach combing ..