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Relationships and dating as an autistic person

Ash

I wanted to reach out and ask... how have people found the world of dating? Or those who have had relationships or are in one, how did it actually happen for you?

My dating history hasn’t been great so far and especially with me being of an age where lots of my friends are getting married, buying houses together and having kids, it adds to my anxiety that my life is basically stuck at the start. I don’t live in a great location for social opportunities and realistically I’m going to have a partner 40 miles away but I am ok with that. Some friends have suggested to move away to widen my pool of people but I really don’t think I could cope with that since it would be a massive change and right now I need a lot of family support.

Obviously while the coronavirus is a thing physically meeting people is going to be tricky but me and my mum both agree that there’s no reason why me and a date couldn’t just sit in a park at a distance from each other and chat. It isn’t a complete blocker. But in the current climate I think dating sites are really the only way forward, though I am open to suggestions.

So far I’ve registered on two, which my mum has been great supporting me with as I lack confidence. Not sure if I’m allowed to mention them but I have serious doubts about them. One has so few people on it and the people I’ve been matched with don’t seem very active. The other seems more active generally but there are few people near me and there’s no way of telling when they were last on, and wouldn’t be surprised if they are not active themselves.

There seems to be so few quality sites set up for autistic people and I’m nervous about entering the mainstream ones. Or needn’t I be? I really want to be with someone who understands me and I think definitely that common ground of autism has to be a good thing?

I also wondered about the agency they use on The Undateables, but wonder how useful this would be in the current climate (really wish this virus would go away!!!). Any thoughts, anyone?

Parents

  • OK, Cassanovandro's honest and compleat guide to pre-diagnosis autism & finding good relationships, based on decades of mostly not being in one:

    • started with running away whenever anyone showed interest. Eventually decided not to do that. Began at least trying to face up to the subject and not being scared by either person's feelings. Continued to miss many opportunities, knowing someone was interested, by not following up. If you're not going for it, it doesn't mean you're not interested but maybe a friend could give you confidence.
    • painful crushes but no 'success' at university. Devastating. Tried not to get too obsessed and move on. Ditto various other friends where went from keeping it all in to being too direct. Oops. Still, learned to deal with embarrassment too. Friendly and charming appreciation is the ideal, and believe it or not aspies can definitely do it when they finally feel comfortable (I know funny and cute ones). Go with the flow (some gentle steering of conversation may be needed to take in scenery without hitting sandbanks, if that metaphor makes any sense. Flirting is probably mostly humour that acknowledges one or other person's sexual nature.)
    • sexual attraction's a perfectly good place to start (and maybe end), although if it's through mutual interests that raises the chances of finding someone to enjoy time with. Good things to say after sex, however it goes, include 'thanks, that was nice', rather than 'sorry'.
    • still random things can happen in hotel bars you happen to be in for some event, provided reasonable comfort and confidence. And alcohol. (6 month long-distance relationship.) Wedding receptions may create expectations though, especially since Hugh Grant.
    • yes, share taxi rides home with single friends, even if you live in opposite directions (2 years with amazing person, still friends). And coffee doesn't mean coffee. Unless it does.  But be open to coffee anyway even if you don't drink it.
    • had three or four dates from general-ish dating site. I think you can tell from initial text messages whether you have the same sense of humour. Some thought I was weird over meal and drink and it was all awkward parting. One turned out to mistake 'weird' for 'interesting' and it was lovely. Present your best side (metaphorically, I don't mean hold your head at an imposing angle).
    • did find another aspie attractive once and tried to get together for a few months but they turned out to be asexual. Which is absolutely fine, but not what I wanted. Found out we really did both want to 'just be friends'.
    • Work relationships can work; especially if you're not trying to show off but genuinely do impress. It's probably like The Office, but I've never seen it.
    • you don't have to live together. Just gradually increase the length of time you spend in each other's company until you never go home. (4 years, now best friends)
    • people who you didn't know before, after you've managed one decent afternoon out with a laugh, on your second date I think it's fine to disclose deep and dark secrets in a deep and dark bar somewhere. (18 months, rather fraught partly for not having known what the real deep diagnosis was to disclose, turning up late is not the right way to appear casual, still friends)
    • know when to stop and hold on to who you've got. For example, if it turns out they love you.
    • yes, haircut definitely. And clean fingernails.
    • there are some 5 or 6 main mainstream sites/apps. Turns out I'm even more scared of apps than relationships. Getting long in the tooth now and wish I knew then what I (pretend to) know now...
  • in reply to Cassandro

    This is all very helpful experience, thank you!

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