Women's experience of autism

me too so we can be friends so lets get to know each other

Yes, to everything you just said!

Very well put.

TheCatWoman said:

I have two children, long before diagnosis or before women where recognised as being able to have autism. Looking back on it now, I realise how overwhelmed I was not helped by having serious undiagnosed post natal depression and an abusive and controlling partner who I was never good enough for.

That sounds very tough indeed.

I have two children, long before diagnosis or before women where recognised as being able to have autism. Looking back on it now, I realise how overwhelmed I was not helped by having serious undiagnosed post natal depression and an abusive and controlling partner who I was never good enough for.

But I wonder if its harder for autistic women to ask for help and recieve it? As a woman of child bearing age, we have our bodies messed up with hormones from contraceptives, we're more likely to be anaemic and have low levels of vitamin B12, both of which will make you feel tired, increase brain fog and general ability to cope. Our own hormones can mess us up too, causing huge mood swings, not having had to worry about anything like that for a good few years now, I can only say that it's a massive relief. I understand that contraceptive services and options have got worse since I was a young woman and getting to actually speak to someone about how you feel and what your options are is really difficult. Just because you're of child bearing age, dosen't mean that anything going on with you health wise is gynaecological and I suspect many are afraid of the runaway train that can be mental health services.

Thank you all for your responses, which I have read with great interest.

I have two kids and honestly I can barely function. I'm undiagnosed. But I really struggle with the sensory overload, emotional regulation, and being unable to look after myself in the way I used to pre kids when overwhelmed (retreat to silent bedroom, have long sleeps, do whatever I want). I didn't have kids until mid 30s, I thought I would cope because I'm a teacher, love kids, am quite childlike, feel like I understand children really well.... nope. They are so flipping unpredictable, illogical (to me), changeable, creatures it's so much harder than teaching them to read and write all day then handing them back to their parents when they're tired.

That’s what I’m also afraid of. That they would happily remove my daughter from us. Well, I’m not alone, there is also daddy but still it’s a lot of stress and trauma. I have some coping strategies but I do my best to hide and mask as much as I only can and I avoid being officially diagnosed for this reason. The social services they are often cruel and have no empathy. They don’t really care about the family. The children are often their business. I do t want to say that all of them act this way. But there is enough horror stories. I feel terribly sad for that mother. 

I would love children but honestly at times I can hardly look after myself and that's physically, mentally and emotionally. I feel like I would be an amazing mum. I'm good with children, I'm very childlike and children like me and we have a lot of fun together - when I'm with my sisters children I play with them and have as much fun as they do... but pressures of real life hit me for six and I'm unable to cope a lot of the time.

There's also not a lot of support for autistic people and this includes autistic parents. I read a very sad news story recently (TRIGGER WARNING SUICIDE) about a young autistic mother who had a child and wasn't coping and their strategy, rather than helping was to remove the child from her and she ended up committing suicide because the proper support and help wasn't there.

I really felt for her.

So I would love to be a mum and I think I would be a good parent. In the past I briefly worked with young children and I coped better than I thought I would. But autism has many struggles and challenges and balancing all that whilst trying to look after a child as well is something I'm pretty sure I couldn't do.

Sadly I don't ever see me being able to do this and that's such a shame because I've always wanted children. I couldn't adopt either as I've been detained to hospital in the past, during my late teens and the rules are very strict about it.

I have a daughter. It’s hard. I love her and I can’t say I regret having her, but I would appreciate if I knew the challenges in advance. Well I already forgot how much I suffered in school. Now as she is growing up she reminds me about it. I’m happy I found out before I agreed to second child. That would make me crazy for sure. One child is manageable, but it’s challenging especially if I get dizzy overwhelmed from something from outside and I have to do both - soothe myself, calm down and at the same time look after her. My best friends - earplugs help me a lot. Last time I had such a situation in the emergency room. There was one child screaming a lot. Of course I’m not angry at the child. It’s normal, children cry and scream but for me it was super irritating, stressful and I had to put extra effort to stay silent and be with my daughter. Stimming helped me I did some rocking and covered my ears. It was much easier. Thank goodness I found space where no one stared at me stimming. So my opinion about having children is that: who wants, who can - yes! Have them. But I don’t like when someone is trying to convince me or others generally that everyone should have children. It’s not to you of course, but generally. There are many ways of enjoying life. Plus having child equals much less time for hobbies and interests. 

Anyone with thoughts on having children.

I reckon that it's probably less likely (possibly a lot less) that autistic women do.

I didn't and now, retrospectively, and especially with my awareness of my autism, I could give a fairly good anaylsis of why.

I hope you enjoy Unmasking Autism. I own that book and it's really good, I find it helpful too. 

Before being diagnosed with autism I was diagnosed with anxiety and then nearly bipolar... Not really sure how they thought bipolar but for a while it was on the cards before someone said it was autism. I'm so glad they got it right in the end. 

TheCatWoman said:

I think that's a feeling that will be familiar to many of us and probably not just those of us with Autism, it's the patriarchy again, shutting women down, conditioning us not to have needs.

I could have done with your input in the past here with some 'arguments' I've had!

I do hope that if I read again any of the nonsense I have read on this forum in the past, you are still here to back me up.

AH, I think that's a feeling that will be familiar to many of us and probably not just those of us with Autism, it's the patriarchy again, shutting women down, conditioning us not to have needs. I too was told to stop talking, asking, feeling things that were inconvienient to others, like it was a switch I could flick.

You could always fess up and say you don't feel strongly either way about something? That can be interesting, people react very differently, they can go away, or get angry and sometimes they even agree with you. Saying you don't really have an opinion one way or the other can open up discussion and you may end up allowing others to feel they don't have to have an opinion, they may start challenging the person who does have a strong opinion, especially if it's negative or judgemental. If you really want to put the cat amongst the pigeons you can ask them why they feel the need for your opinion or input? Asking the opinion of others is often due to the questioner feeling insecure about thier descisions

Alienatedhuman said:

yes, I’m gonna stick around, this is the only environment I feel so much understood and validated. I can say it’s somehow therapeutic 

That's great news

Thank you for reviving this post! It’s very helpful for me and yes, I’m gonna stick around, this is the only environment I feel so much understood and validated. I can say it’s somehow therapeutic 

Uhane said:

Thanks for the post.

When I made the thread there was a different set of females on the forum and most of them don't post now.

Females do seem to leave here more frequently and quickly than males (hence I am the 'deleted user' O/P).

I thought I'd resurrect it as there appear to be a set here now who thankfully/hopefully are sticking around.

Ah the clothing for the dolls I had fogotten about that. I had a johnny weatherman with a wardrobe and some paper dolls I drew clothing for a lot. thanks for the memory trigger!

I think older women among us came up in a different world where we were considered to be the McGuffin of the story.  

.Only boys were considered to be autistic. The term came up in a discussion (conducted right in front of me as if I were not there, just like a McGuffin) when I was very young but because I was a girl, dismissed and considered an idiot from whom little was to be expected, other than making art, which was considered a "gift from god" and so even that was not about me but some dude with a beard.

I was left to my own devices often, which proved a boon. Attention was NOT what I wanted.

I can relate to most of the items on the thread's list too.

I am now reading "Unmasking Autism" and there is a great deal in it from the female perspective.  Its written by a woman. A great book to keep coming back to, just like "Neurotribes". Thanks for the post.

"undefeated user" ! = Debbie

I learned "no" in therapy. It led to a readiness to proceed to self regard and determination. One of the most pivotal moments of my adult life. thanks for this post, DU.

Myself as well.