Women's experience of autism

I think some of the above are fairly true, but some a bit outdated, I think that autistic girls may use fiction or  things like celebritites and soaps as guides for how to behave and act and also to feel included. I know I did as a child and teenager.

I used to sew a lot when I was a child, I'd make endless place mats, all the same, with the same stitches in the same place and order and got really upset if anyone tried to make me change it. I'm like that with a few things, I repeat them over and over, but I can rarely get them "right", not that I have any real idea of what right is.

I certainly got in trouble with heirarchies and still do, I refuse to believe that anyone is fundamentally better than me, they may be more knowlegable and I may wish to learn from them. I get loads of problems with men over this, so many seem to expect instant deference and I don't give it, I don't know how to give it, even if I wanted to which I don't. I either seem to not recognise that there is a heirarchy or I can see it and decide not to play and NT's hate having their little social games exposed. I think a big underlying problem for girls being diagnosed is because a lot of the behaviours exhibited by autstistic women and girls are ones that happen to be valued by patriarchal society. Being quiet and shy and being good at sitting on a corner reading a book and not getting involved in gossip and stuff are still unconciously favoured by a lot of men and I think women and girls have suffered from this bias, often unconcious, for decades.

Sexism is just as pampant among autistic people as the rest of society, just because men might want to sleep with you, dosen't make you popular, or mean that they want to have relationships with you or anything else, men often use sex as a way of taking a womans power away from her, you become a thing to be taken and of no real value. The fact that you maybe be happy to engage in sex because of your own sexual needs is beside the point, there are still many who don't really believe that women have sexual desires or needs. I think sex and relationships are hard for everyone and harder still for autistic women to navigate, as we still sufer from being called things like a slag if we like sex and have multiple partners and then on accused of lesbianisn if we say no to a particular man or men.

I wonder if a fantasy world of witches and fairies is attractive to girls because they're often places where women are powerful and respected?

I'll stop now or I'll write a dissertation on the subject. But I will not be surprised to get some flak for this post, especially from the guys if they read it, it's the usual repsonse and often a boring one!

Exactly, I was always told that I behave like a little, obedient girl. And unfortunately treated not seriously. Now I’m in my middle thirties and it makes me worried when I hear again that I’m so innocent like a girl. I think I should speak to a therapist about it… I was taken advantage of many times. 

Exactly, I was always told that I behave like a little, obedient girl. And unfortunately treated not seriously. Now I’m in my middle thirties and it makes me worried when I hear again that I’m so innocent like a girl. I think I should speak to a therapist about it… I was taken advantage of many times. 

TheCatWoman said:

I think that's a feeling that will be familiar to many of us and probably not just those of us with Autism, it's the patriarchy again, shutting women down, conditioning us not to have needs.

I could have done with your input in the past here with some 'arguments' I've had!

I do hope that if I read again any of the nonsense I have read on this forum in the past, you are still here to back me up.

AH, I think that's a feeling that will be familiar to many of us and probably not just those of us with Autism, it's the patriarchy again, shutting women down, conditioning us not to have needs. I too was told to stop talking, asking, feeling things that were inconvienient to others, like it was a switch I could flick.

You could always fess up and say you don't feel strongly either way about something? That can be interesting, people react very differently, they can go away, or get angry and sometimes they even agree with you. Saying you don't really have an opinion one way or the other can open up discussion and you may end up allowing others to feel they don't have to have an opinion, they may start challenging the person who does have a strong opinion, especially if it's negative or judgemental. If you really want to put the cat amongst the pigeons you can ask them why they feel the need for your opinion or input? Asking the opinion of others is often due to the questioner feeling insecure about thier descisions

I learned "no" in therapy. It led to a readiness to proceed to self regard and determination. One of the most pivotal moments of my adult life. thanks for this post, DU.

Myself as well.

It took me 30 years to realize what I felt in my childhood. I was unable to communicate my needs, I cried but couldn’t say why and nobody really cared to ask questions or listen to me, I was also afraid of bothering anyone or making them angry. I have no idea which issue it is, or both. I obviously had no therapy and I was only told that I’m the problem and need to fix myself (without guidance, how). It’s an interesting way of coping with lack of opinion. If I have opportunity, I will try it. Often I’m like just do what you want, don’t ask me irrelevant questions, I feel lost if I have to decide about something that is not really important for me. 

I have the same problem with make-up and don't wear any, I don't even own any, people can get very weird about it too. It could be alexythemia, but it could also be that you've not learned to recognise your feelings or act on them because you've become used to not being heard? FOr such a usually opinionated person there are some things I genuinely don't have an opinion or strong feeling about, I usually mask this by asking questions around the the subject I'm being asked about. It might not be that I'm particulalry interested in the answer but that I want to give myself some time to think about how I wish to respond, often based on the tone and body language fo the person asking me. If they're hostile I might just decide I'm going to give a bland answer because I don't want the agro of answering more strongly, but sometimes they will say something thats like a red rag to a bull and I'll come out bellowing, or I'll gently wind them up.

I’m able to say no, I started being assertive some few years ago, but it may be the issue. It’s just people often not treating me seriously (at work for example) I often don’t have any strong opinion or preference, so I don’t mind doing something that is suggested, if I do it too often, then I come across like this. I also have problems identifying my own emotions (probably alexythemia) You are right, I often see the beauty of this world and beauty of other people, as they are, naturally. I also see when people are fake and I hate it so I avoid having interaction with such people. Another thing is that I’m in my middle thirties but often being mistaken for middle twenties, that I look younger,  have childlike face and kinda basic style because most important is how the clothes feel on me. I hate having make up on my face so I usually don’t have any or maybe little mascara (even this also irritates me). Make up usually causes me some skin problems such as rash or pimples, so looks like most of the cosmetics are not made for me. 

AA, sounds like you need to learn to stand in your own power, maybe something like assertiveness training would help? Theres nothing wrong with being innocent, think of the alternatives, cynicism, world weariness, judging others negatively all the time. Innocent people see the beauty of the world around them, thats worth hanging on to, but maybe you need to develop a BS detector as well as learning to say no, this is where assertiveness training could help.